Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 11, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 April 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A hickory club is very good lumber to floor a man with. The hen is the lay-dy of the barn-yard. —Merchant Traveler. Architecture is celled “frozen m - sic,“ but some buildings look as if the orchestra had been struck with a heavy frost when they were tuning their instruments. Down in Pennsylvania, it is said, they have sociables where you can kiss all the girls you want to at five cents apiece. Pennsylvania is a good State for a poor man. hat becomes of all the old boots and shoes?” asks an exchange. Look into your landlady’s soap boiler. You will learn more by observation than by interrogation. — Maverick. America—“ What do the letters H. Pi. H. mean when applied to the Prince of Wales?” Englishman—“ Such bloomink hignorance! hs Royal ’lghness, d’ye see ?” —New York Sun. “Can you tell me how the word ‘saloon ’ is spelt?” was asked a cockney. “Certainly,” said the Londoner, with a look of triumph. “There’s a hess and a hay and a hell and two hoes and a hen. ” BURNS PARAPHRASED TO SUIT THE TIMES. “To cai.ih Dome Fortune's golden smile, Assiduous wait upon liar,’’ And pitch right in and make your pile, Without a thojght of honor. --Boston Courier. Three million bricks were used in Chicago last year. 1 his does not include those worn in hats. The enormity of their mathematical computation is too much to tackle.— California Maverick. “Shall I help Bobby to another piece of pie?” asked Mrs. Hendricks, who was entertaining Bobby and his mother at dinner. “Yes, ma,” urged Bobby promptly. “It won’t hurt me any. It’s nothin’ but baker’s pie.”— New York Times. Circumstances alter cases. A man will step up with a smile and settle an hotel bill as reasonable as jealousy without a quibble; but when he comes to bargaining with a poor widow to make a pair of pantaloons he will beat her down to starvation wages, and then make her wait for the pay till her children suffer with hunger.— Chicago Ledger. A fashion editress holds that “m'litary muffs” will be all the rage this winter. An enterprising reporter, who has been making a tour of inspection of the officers’quarters at the Piesidio and elsewhere, as well as of the vario us city armories, says that no fears of a rise in price need be entertained, as the supply is'more than equal to the demand.— Say, Fransiscan. A Promising Amateur—Featherly (who is studying for a private theatrical entertainment) —“What does ‘ exit ’ Charley?” Charley—“lt is a Latin word, and means that you are to withdraw from the stage.” Featherly—“O, I see; but wouldn’t it be better if I were to say, ‘I withdraw from the stage?’ Some of the audience may not understand Latin. "-New York Sun. A drunken man strayed into a revival meeting the other" night under the belief that he was in a Democratic primary. As he was staggering into a seat a reformed sot got up and began his experience by the striking remark: “Brethren, I spent four years of my life in jail.” The drunken man straightened himself up and asked, earnestly: “Shay, shen perhaps yoush can tell me swesher it’s going Democrashish or not shish elections!!.”— Chicago liambler. A South Yonkers Sunday-school teacher‘was trying to explain to her class what the conscience was, but had some difficulty in making the scholars understand. “What is that small voice that comes to you after you have retired at night?” she said at I’ength. “Oh, please, ma’am, I know,” quickly said one of the bright little girls. “Well, what is it, Dolly?” said the teacher, proud that her explanation had been so quickly comprehended. “Cats, ma’am. ” — Yonkers Statesman. A RED-LETTER DAY IN HIS LIFE. Just four years old ; but mark his royal air As down the village street he take's his way, His head erect; a consciousness is there Gs power tnat he possessed not yesterday. Whence springs the pride that hero we see displayed? Has he teen made a present of a box of toys ? No; the discovery he just has made That he can whistle like the other boys. Ahl who can tell the happiness ho feels. The bubbling joy, the unalloyed detiplit! For weeks to come he’ll whistle at his meals And whistle when he goes to bed at night. —Boston Crurier.

A small Somerville boy goes frequently to a neighbor’s house to buy fresh eggs. He is always given eggs of the Plymouth Rock variety, which have a shell of a chocolate hue. On the last occasion that he was sent after eggs three of the ordinary white-shelled variety were given him with the Plymouth Rocks to make out the He received them with a great deal of suspicion, and, a ft w moments later, rushed into the presence of his mother, highly excited: “Oh, mother!” he cried, “what do you think? They’ve cheated us! They’ve given us three that ain’t ripe.”—Boston Record. Vital statistics lately published show that in Germany the average life of men has increased during the last thirty years from 41.9 to 43.9 years, or 5 per cent. In women the increase is given at 8 per cent., the advance being from 41.9 to 45.2. Love is said to be the motive power of the world, and yet fifty-six women out of every ninety-two will stick to it that a well-seasoned broom-handle is more reliable than moral suasion for immediate results.— Chicago Ledger.