Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 9, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 April 1886 — WIT AND HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

WIT AND HUMOR.

The Philadelphia News the other day headed a department “What Philadelphia Editors Think.” It occupied oneeighth of a column.— Puck. Young wife —“John, mother says she wants to be cremated.” Young; husband —“Tell her if she’ll get on her things Til take her down this morning.”— TidBits. A little urchin askeu Ids mother a difficult question and got tae answer: “I don’t know.” “Well,” said he, “1 think mothers ought to know. They ought to be well educated or else have an encyclopedia.” —Boston Record. Washington Belle (to young naval officer) —“I suppose the hardships of your life at times. Lieut. Sinecure, are simply frightful?” Lieut. Sinecure—“Va’as, very. The cost of gold braid ; ne is something fearful.”— N. Y. > v. n. “Is Jim Bullard bangin' ’round these rts nowadays?” ask. d a passenger an a car window of a Dakota citizen. “Jim was hangin’ ’round last week, Granger.” “Did you see him?” “O, yes; I had hold of the rope.”— N. Y. Sun. “Mother, what is an angel?” “My dear, it is a little girl with wings who flies.” “But I heard papa telling the governess yesterday she was an angel. Will she fly?” “Yes, my dear, she will fly away the first thing to-morrow.” Vanity Fair. A young lady cashier in a St. Louis dry-goods house tried to get away with $3,000 by hiding it in her bustle —a plan not open to gentleman cashiers for obvious reasons. She probably wished to have a good financial backing.— N. Y. Tribune. According to telegraphic reports the “peach crop along the Hudson” has been ruined three times already since the first of the year. It is feared that another cold spell will kill it if it should again be left out doors all night—Norristown Herald. The hardest thing in this world to please is a woman. Mr. Young of Wabasha, Minn., locked his wife in the house; Mr. Potts of Pepin, Wis., locked his wife out of the house. Now both women have sued for divorce. — Holyoke (Mass.) Transcript. A little 4-year-old miss on the East Side, toddling up-stairs the other day, noticed that the servant had removed the carpet from her room and was scrubbing the floor. Said she: “Hello, Rosa, has you moved your kitchen floor up-stai rs ?’ ’ —Buffido Co a r ier. A clever Albany girl who was at Ridgefield the other night was asked what her sensations were when she shot down the toboggan chute for the first time. “It was delightful,” she exclaimed enthusiastically; “1 thought I was dying.”— Albany Journal. “They say Mark Twain is worth a great deal of money,” remarked a casual caller yesterday. “Yes,” replied the horse editor, “Mark always has an eye to the dollar.” “That is to say,'’ chipped in the snake editor, “Twain is a sort of a dollar Mark.”— Pittsburg Chronicle.

Scene, Paris. Time, three weeks ago. “Very stupid here this winter, eh, old fellow?” “Deucedly. Let's do something to have some fun—a circus; anything, you know.” “All rkjht. Say we get up a party and go to New York to take in the French ball.” — Philadelphia News. Mrs. Southworth, the woman suffragist, says: “Men are constantly becoming more like women. They don’t fight now when they get mad at each other.” Sometimes they don’t, but then they do not generally get revenge by accusing their enemy of wearing a last season’s hat. —Savannah (Qa.) News. “How did you break oft your front teeth P” asked a visitor of the same small boy. “I didn’t break ’em,” replied the youngster. “I was just fooling {yteenty bit with a horse’s tail in the street up at C . The man that picked me up got his hands and vest awful bloody. It wasn’t my fault” —Boston Record.

Six-year-old Mary M. informed the family a few days ago that she wished to go to church Sunday, m she was iuforested in what would be said. After much persuasion she was induced to say that she “spected after the men and Women had sung the minister would get up and say: ‘The Progressive Whist Club will meet with Mrs. M. next Wednesday night* Lewiston {Me.) Journal. Miss Clara—“ Can you recall, Mr. Featherly, the name of the author of that beautiful poem beginning with the line, ‘Ah! a wonderful stream is the River Time’?" Mr. Featherly (intently) — “H’m —let me see —he was an Englishman, I fancy. No, stop a moment. I am thinking of the River Thames. The River Time! Are you sure, Miss Clara, that is the name of the riverP I never heard of it" — N. Y. Times. llow uncertain are the vicissitudes of this life! A man may be scooting along on snow-shoes over the beautiful snow lying on the numerous hills ab&ut the city, exulting in all the vigor' of youth, and overflowing with an abundance of animal spirits, and the next minute he may be in an adjoining county under twenty feet of snow, without hat or coat, waiting for the spring thaws to set in.— Hailey {Wyo.) Xews-Miner. He (at a Boston hotel-table) —“Mary, do you know where that line comes from: ■Clerk, draw a deed of gift’P i’ts been running in my head all night, and 1 ean’t place it." She —"Let me see. No, I effn’t i . it just now.” Waitress (who u\vtp|w«!) —“ ‘Merchant of Venice’ —-A»t IV. —bum and eggs .-xjrUc. j. ,Suak»piam: - £Vio*s w.e’U h,.*.* U.co,i 1b ,t.. .. . a^.'

A Northampton County schoolmarm gives the following sentence from the pen of her youngest and brightest scholar, given in answer to the request: “Write in twenty words a definition of ‘Man.’ ” It read thus: “Man is an animal that stands up; he is not very big, and he has to work for a living.—Allentown (Pa.) Register. “You say that you have played Macbeth?” said a New York theatrical manager to an applicant for a position. “I have acted the role of Macbeth fourteen times.” “Well, let me hear you repeat his defiance to Macduff.” “O, 1 never got so far as that. The audience always made me quit before I got to that part.”— Texas Siftings. Two seconds wait upon their principal to give him an account of their mission to his adversary. “You will light with pistols.” “Will the pistols be loaded?” “Parbleu, of course.” “With bullets?” “Certainly, yes!” Their principal frowns. “With bullets! But I oniy meant a friendly encounter, and not a combat of savages.” —Paris (Jalignani. Robbie \v. : tto church last Sunday and was very proud when his mother let him put a shining silver quarter into the contributiou-box. But the deacon had hardly got to the next pew before Robbie remarked in a disgusted tone, audible clear up to the pulpit: “Say, mamma, he didn’t notice that quarter any more than if it was only just a cent!” — Somerville (Mass.) Journal. An American scientist is trying to discover some means of making shells of eggs transparent without injury to their membraneous lining. He is engaged in a very laudable undertaking, and it is hoped he will succeed. A man need not then waste a good egg in the reception of an amateur Hamlet. He very seldom does to be sure; but he can’t alwavs tell.— Norristown Herald “Last fall,” said my Alexandria friend, “when the Norfolk boat stopped at Alexandria one night on its way down the river, a well known Alexandrian, who had more liquor than was good for him, walked on board and said to a gentleman who was talking to some ladies: ‘I want a cigar or blood,’ in bloodcurdling tones. ‘Have a cigar, sir?’ said the stranger, handing him one in a most conciliatory way, and then the Alexandrian came on shore again.— Washington Letter to Philadelphia Record.