Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 9, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 April 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Oough-fee—paying the doctor who prescribes for a cold.— Maverick. No matter how hard the dudes try to get tight, they can not get as high as their colllars. Hot springs—climbing up stairs in August after a delinquent subscriber. — National Weekly. “All flesh is grass,” but some people display more greenness than others. — Pittsburgh Chronicle. Thieves are said to be fond of an old-fashioned game of billards, because they can generally pocket something. Professor (to student) —“What important change came over Burns in the latter part of his life?” Student—“He died.” Why is a suspender button like a birthday party ? Because it is almost sure to come off. — Burlington Free Press. A philosopher observes: “Six things are requisite to create a happy home. One of these is a good cook, and the other five are money. ” The negro problem just now is how to lift a $l5O mortgage from his mule with a S4O bale of cotton and have any mule left.— Macon (Ga.) Telegraph. A taste for painting ? I den t know. He may, perhaps, be full of it; He did his best to paint a cow. And—well/' He made a bull of it. “J ohx, have you kept the diary that I gave you last New Year’s?” “IHi, yes, father, I put it in the bottom of my trunk to be sure that it wouldn't get away.” “Does your wife talk in her sleep?” asked one married man of another, one day when they were comparing notes. “I don’t lie awake to see,” replied the heartless husband, “but she talks all the rest of the time, so I rather guess she does.”— Louisville Journal. “Boys,” shouts an enthusiastic reformer, “boys, if you must marry, be sure to marry women.” There’s a world of sound, practical common sense in this pertinent piece of advice. Yes, boys; be sure to marry women. Don’t marry your mother’s brother, nor your father’s grandfather, but marry a" woman, and yoil’ll be wiser and happier for it.— Maverick.

A Saundersville schoolgirl lately puzzled her teacher with the inquiry: “If the oldest child of an English ruler succeeds to the throne, what would happen if the oldest child was twins ?” The girl w. s very much surprised at the teacher’s inability to answer offhand, and tried to find out from her mother, but the question still agitates the village.— Worcester (Mass.) Spy. He was trying to beat a Chatliamstreet dealer down on a suit of clothes, and he finally observed, “Y'ou’ll admit that wool is down, won’t you?” “O, yes.” “And cotton is down, and labor is down.” “ftbust so.” “Well, then, how can you call that suit worth $14.” “My friendt, you has entirely forgotten dot buttons vhas way oop. Dot vbas der basis I figure on .’’—Wall Street News. Mrs. Parvenu comes to the front again. She was making a call, and in the course of the conversation her friend remarked: “Mr. Jackson, Ihear, has gone to the land ot the caribou and moose to have some shooting.” Mrs. Parvenu met Mrs. Jackson some days later. “Ah,” said she; “how is Mr. Jackson? Has he gotten back yet?” “Yes, he came back last night.” “And did he shoot a caboose?” — Boston Record. disappointment. Wo often feel peculiar, As thr mghthis -world, we range, But of all our funny feelings Perhaps the one most strango * Is that we know when with vigor We shoot one foot in the air. To break the ribs of the hull-dog That jumps and isn't there. —J Puck. COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. [A Novel in Three Chapters.) CHAPTER i. Maid one. CHAPTER 11. Maid won. CHAPTER 111. Made one. —The Rambler. Boarding-House Mistress—“ Jane, go right down to the market this instant and order me ten square inches of elephant steak.” Jane—“ Good gracious, mum, and phwit’s got into yez now?” Boarding-House Mistress —“Don’t stand there asking me foolish questions, J ane, but go right along and do as I tell you. I’ve just been reading one of Du Chaillu’s books, and lie says that elephant steak is so permanent that it takes half an hour to eat a square inch of it.” —SomerviMe Journal.