Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 7, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 March 1886 — THE LIME-KILN CLUB. [ARTICLE]

THE LIME-KILN CLUB.

A Professor’s Discomfiture and a Bad Man from Harvard. [From the Detroit Free Press.] When the meeting opened in due form Brother Gardner announced that Hon. Profile Livermore of Arkansas was in the ante-room and waiting to address the meeting. The subject of his address was: “Has the White Man Passed His Zenith?” If there were no objections he would be brought in. Prof. Wintergreen Davis didn’t propose to object, but he would like to be informed of the meaning of the word zenith. He had attended twenty-one different ward caucuses and had clerked in a wood-yard for three weeks, but he had never met with the word before. There was a deep silence as he settled down, and Brother Gardner scratched his bald pate until as if the friction would start a fire. “Zenith,” he finally said, “why, I ar’ mo’ dan surprised at your ignerence. Ebery cull’d pusson in dis kentry orter know all about zenith.” “Yes, sah, but the word breaks me up. ” “Zenith am a dreffuleasy word,” continued the President, as he looked up and down the hall in a nervous manner. “You didn’t git zenith and zither all mixed up, did you ?” “No, sah.” “When anybody says dat Samuel Shin, fur instance, has passed his zenith, dey can’t be tooken up for slander. It-means—it means ” He waited so long that the Rev. Penstock arose and said: “Misser President, it means dat he has passed his best pint. Zenith am de highest pitch. ” “rirudder Penstock, sot right down dis minit!” exclaimed the President, as he used his gavel in a vigorous manner. “Who axed you to riz up im’ ’splain ’bout zenith? When dis chair can’t stan’ on one leg an’ ’splain any word in common use he will confess his ignorance an’ call for help! I shall fine you $2,000 fur disturbin’ dis meetin’, and Professor Davis will now be brung in.” It was evident to all as soon as he entered the room that the Professor was “off.” He grinned, and bowed, and scraped, and finally took a chair near the stove. When Giveadam Jones went over to him and asked if he was ill, he replied: “Shay! I’ll fight you two rounds for ;twenty-five shents 1”

He was drunk! As soon as Brother Gardner realized this fact he ordered him removed from the lodge. The jstranger was assisted down stairs into [the alley, and hasn’t been seen in Detroit since. From the splashes of mud lon the right board fence and the distance between his tracks it is believed that he left in a hurry. “Dis am but another proof,” said ißrother Gardner, as he took his seat, “dat when you pit brains agin whisky, •common sense agin gin, or intellect agin lager beer, de liquids am bound to go under de wire a length ahead.” Sir Isaac Walpole then moved to take from the table the case of the keeper of the museum, who was last week suspended from office and fined SB,OOO. *Sir Isaac had carefully inquired into all the facts in the case and believed them to be as follows: The keeper desired to run down to the Postoffice to mail a jletter to his father-in-law. There was present in the museum a colored man who claimed to be a professor of botany at Harvard, and he was asked to remain until the keeper’s return. The time occupied was only twelve minutes, but when the keeper returned he found the ptranger had departed, taking with him an eight-day clock once owned by Napoleon I. The keeper was to, blame, and yet he was not. If everybody coming along here and claiming to be a professor at Harvard was to be suspected and watched, the whole police force would be kept busy. The clock was probably gone beyond recovery, but the loss was not irreparable. Sir Isaac had in his possession a clock which Napoleon wanted to buy, but didn’t have money enough. He would turn this in to the museum in case the keeper was reinstated and his fine remitted. It would take him 490 years, the very best he could do, to pay the fine, and he hadn’t secured two hours’ sleep since being suspended. “Bein’ dat dis matter has been tooken up an’ considered by sich a distinguished member,” said "the President, “I shall not hesitate to comply wid de request, though I want de keeper of de museum to fully realize dat he has had a powerful close shave.” On one occasion when General Grant was visiting Boston, a well-known gentleman was entertaining him, and their talk one day while out driving turned upon the Hon. Charles Sumner, of ■whom the Bostonian, was not an admirer. After citing a number of incidents to show the objectionable traits of the lamented Senator, the Bostonian answered: “And, do you know that, with all his conspicuous championship of morals and humanity, he doesn’t believe in the inspiration of the Bible ?” While speaking he looked steadily at Grant, expecting, perhaps, some exclamation as an evidence of surprise. There was, however, no especial sign. The General took a long puff at his cigar, blew the smoke away deliberately from his lips, and quietly remarked: “I am not kt all surprised. He didn’t write it, you know.”