Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 March 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Those who never drink water are aow called jugwumps.— Maverick. You always feel surprised when you see a shooting star, do you not ? That is because you did not know the sky was loaded.— Pittsburgh Chronic.eTelegrbph. It was lately discovered that a Nevada lady had four large snakes in her stomach. Nevada should be shoved along toward Kentucky. The whisky is better there.— St. Paul Herald. Spoodle was saying that when he was abroad -he was presented at court. “Th 6 deuce you were!” exclaimed Fogg. “How did it happen? How muen did they fine you?”— Boston Transcript. That every good Christian must sleep in his armor is a proverb as old as true goodness, but the man who goes to bed with his boots on in a strange hotel becomes at once an object of grave suspicion.— Chicago Ledger. They may talk about old fiddles and their fabulous worth, but no fiddle awakens a livelier recollection of the past within ns than the old standby with which we reluctantly tortured cord-wood in our youthful days, and which still hangs in the woodshed as of yore.— Dansvitle Breeze, Little Johnnie’s mother told him one day when he was killing flies that he must not do it, as they were God’s children. Some time afterward the boy saw a lot of flies in an old molasses barrel struggling for their lives. “Look there, mamma,” he cried, “I think if God cared anything for His children He would come along and turn that barrel over.”— Merchant Traveler. plain enough. One morning in the month of Sept A pretty clerk in Manning’s dept. Took up her pen and struck a baL, Then took a train and struck for CaL Why did she tarn from Wash., D. O.? The answer is below (q. v.J ; Her lieut. had gone to join his on., And she went on to do, do, do. —Chicago Ncivs. A lady who received through the postoflice a few days ago a postal card containing 1,030 words written by a gentleman, replied on a card containing 1,040. That should teach him a lesson, and go far toward making such foolishness unpopular with the male sex. A man might as well attempt to get the last word as the most words with a woman.— Norristoion Herald. THE MAJOR’S STORY. “Waal, yes," said the Major, unfolding his knife, And shaving a slice from his chair, “I come from a farn’ly of purty long life— The longest, I reckon, round hyar. “My gran’father lived to a mighty old age— He died at two hundred ana fourBut the Major stopped short in his yarn at this stage, Forthe Judge entered in at the door. "Now, Major,” the Judge very gravely remarked. “I knew your old gra idfather well; He was just eighty-three when his spirit embarked For that bourne where the good spirits dwell." For a moment the Major had nothing to aay, But finally rose to his feet: “He died at two hundred and four Broadway” — Then the Judge moseyed up and stood treat. —Chicago News. Country Merchant (to Chicago drummer) —“A St. Louis firm offers me eighteen months’ time.” Chicago Drummer—“ Only eighteen months? They’re trying to swindle you.” Merchant— “What time can your house give?” Chicago Drummer—“ Four years are our usual terms, but I’ll tell yon what I’ll do. You give me an order, and if the account is hot paid in thirty days I’ll take 10 percent, off; if not paid in sixty days, 20 per cent, off; and, if not paid in ninety days, 30 per cent, off.” Merchant—“ And if not paid in four months?” Chicago Drummer — “Then I’ll wipe the account off the books altogether and send you a framed photograph of our monster establishment. No St. Louis firm can do business in this territory while the representative of Alexander Rockbottom & Co. is abroad.” — New York Sun.