Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 4, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 February 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A sudden check—a sight draft. A go-between—ham in a sandwich. A pipe organ—the Plumber’s Journal. Got the cold shoulder—the tramp who stole the fore-quarter of mutton. Athletes of social propensities mostly prefer the Indian Club—-St Paul Herald. Western mieners, as a rule, prefer buying their liquor by the quartz.— Goodalls Sun. An exchange advises us to “treat our young children cordiaMy.” We .do — we do. Godfrey’s cordially. The Boston ladies never term their pets “Spitz” dogs. They apeak of them as little “expectorate canines. ” “Say, Smithkins, do you think that dude is sober?” “Eta may be, but his trousers are very right.— California Maverick. “A Bachelor’s Blunder” is the title of a new story. We haven’t read it, but presume the poor fool got married. —Newman Independent. A Knight of the Grip married the girl who dusted his room and furniture, because, he said, he understood dusters were very useful to traveling men.— Merchant Traveler. A lady one day sent her little boy to a drug store near by after a porous plaster. When he came back he handed it to her, saying: “This is the poorest one I could get.”— Chicago Ledger. Customer—Hang this up. Bartender—But I hung one up for you yesterday. You can’t be always hanging ’em up, you know. C. —That’s so. Chalk this one down.— Boston Courier. The Eastern widow’s willing offer: Happy, hearty, wholesome herdsman on the Western plain, Cheery, chatty, charming cowboy, let me love again; Come and call me to your cabin, live no more alone; Would you win a woman worthy, I would be your own. —Brooklyn Times. . A writer defines courtship as “a voyage of discovery.” And when the party of the male part discovers that the party of the female part wears false teeth, a wig, and other artifices to give her a youthful appearance, the court-ship is wrecked. And when she discovers that the young man’s bank account is hardly microscopic, the voyage ends suddenly.— Norristown Herald. THEY CANNOT TELL A LIE. In youthful days George Washington, A canvasser was he, Tramped all around his home to sell An Indian history. And then as later in his life He could not tell a lie, He dwelt upon his book with truth. To make the people buy. His influence is felt to-day. This is the reason why All canvassers are truthful men— They cannot tell a lie! —Boston Courier. In leap year, in Japan, if a jipung woman is in want of a she places an empty flower pot on the foof >f tie front portico as a pre-nuptial emblem. If such a custom prevailed n this country a great many porticos would be decorated with empty flower sots; but a fashion permitting an emblem to be displayed as a sign that a voman wanted to get rid of a husband would have almost as many followers. —Norristown Herald.

(That an Enterprising Drummer Did. “I had a little experience the other light,” said a drummer, “that took all of my nerve and gall to bear up under. Iver since I’ve been on the road I’ve made it a principle to meet all engagements. More than once have I skipped ;hree or four towns in which I was sure of selling big bills of goods in order to seep my engagement to some girl or other. When 1 agree to be at a certain place at a given minute, you can bet your last dollar I’ll be there. Well, the other day I landed in St. Louis, in d suddenly discovered that in a moment of forgetfulness I bad promised to take two girls to the theater that night. The girls were not acquainted, either. I hate a liar and a sneak, and the girls’ brothers were customers of mine; and so, after thinking the whole thing over, [ made up my mind I’d live up to my contract. So 1 bought my seats at two theaters, engaged my carriage, and prepared for the campaign. 1 sent word to the first one that I’d call for her rather early, and to the other that I might be a little late. I whirled No. 1 off, seated her, excused myself, for a minute before the rising of the curtain, slipped out, and in two seconds the horses were on a run for No. 2. I got her in her seat five minutes after the curtain rose. Stayed the act out, excused myself, went back to the other, apologized, and everything was all right. I spent the evening flitting from one to the other, and got my money’s worth out of the hackman, as I made him hump. I made inquiries r.s to the hour the plays would be over, and found I had twenty-five minutes leeway. Then I made such good use of those twenty-five minutes that I got No. 1 home and was back after No. 2 just as the curtain went down. To do this cost me sl2, and the next day I had to skip out of town because the hackman was after me with a bill for one of his horses which had died from overdriving; but not till after I had sold big bills of goods to the girls’ brothers. Besides, I had the satisfaction of performing an unparalleled feat in the theater-going business. That’s the kind, of a hustler I am.”— Chicago HeratiL Mme. Nilsson has at last secured her quarter of a million francs from the Rouzeaud estate to reimburse her for money spent in her husband’s industrial enterprises.