Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 3, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 February 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Paper ware—bustles. Mourning glory—widows’ weeds. Feelicitv—the successful attorney. Pillage—the reward of a druggist. Pacific male—a native son of the golden West. Adversity has a good effect on some people. Like eggs, they never come out of their shells till they’re broke.— St. Paul Herald. Advice to chronic grumblers—Who hath woe, who hath sorrow? Those who tarry long at the whine.—Merchant Traveler. When a cold wave strikes St. Louis the girls wear ear muffs. This caused a stranger to ask one cold morning when the balloon ascension took place. Maverick. Johnson says the crying need of this country is not a non-explosive steam boiler, but a non-explosive esteemed wife. Johnson is a bald-headed wretch. —Merchant Traveler. “Papa, what is a savage ?” “A savage, my son, is a man who occupies two whole seats in a railway car while some poor woman with a sick baby has to stand up.”— Chicago Ledger. A nod of the heal Oft meaneth: "Muff sed And a sly little wink Will bring forth the drink. —Goodall’s Suh. An exchange says: “In Detroit a newspaper portrait has led to the discovery of a murderer.” We were confident the public would not stand this sort of business long. What was the name of the artist who was captured ? Buffalo World. With the view of putting our brother paragraphers on their guard so that they may be careful in examining their change when making purchases of stocks, bonds, etc., we would say that counterfeit SI,OOO bills are in circulation. — Boston Courier. An lowa man has discovered a remedy for rheumatism, consisting of maple sugar dissolved in apple brandy. In less than a week after he made the discojrery the whole neighborhood was limping around with the rheumatism.— Newman Independent. An Indiana man is trying to invent an air brake. It consists of a pie,ce of adhesive plaster pasted over his wife’s mouth. Keep your seats, gentlemen; keep your seats! If the thing works, you shall know all about it in our next issue. Besides, you can’t all have an agency for it.— California Maverick. The same woman who calls her husband a brute for whipping his birddog to make him mind, will call him another if he refuses to buy her three stuffed birds to wear on her hat, all of which suffered the agonies of death to satisfy the demands of fashion. Tenderheartedness, like beauty, seems to be only skin deep, and hardly that.— Hansville Breeze. The petrified skeleton of a whale, over thirty feet long, has been found on a range of mountains in Monterey, Colo., over 3,300 feet above sea level. Local scientists are undecided whether the big fish, when alive, fell out of a balloon and landed on the mountains, or crawled up there and died of mortification after hearing a fish story told by a California fisherman. Both theories are plausible enough.—Norristown Herald. In England, according to the census of 1881, the number of women physicians was twenty-five; from 1880 to 1884 eight had been placed in a lunatic asylum, and at the end of last year three were under treatment. Women with less brains might have made crazy quilts containing 11,000 pieces each without becoming mentally unbalanced. Prescribing pills for overworked dudes is what exhausts the woman physician. —Norristown Herald. A PSYCHOLOGICAL POEM. Like a plant beside its blossom, Or the moon beside its star. Sat a mother with her darling Boy, whose eyes were black as tar. Said she: “James, you ask how differ Soul and body. What I here Touch is body. But this something, . Still within —what is it, dear?" His eyes luminous with the dawning Of deep intellect, the pert Child exultingly replied: “Why, ma, that’s my flannel shirt." —California Maverick. “Why is it, Hodson, that you will use such extravagant comparisons? Don’t you know that it gives feebleness to your meaning?” “What’s the matter now?” “Well, take the expression you have just used, for instance—‘sadder than death.’ Now, don’t you know that nothing could be sadder than death?” “Hold on, Timmons, I don’t know so well about that. Suppose you come over to tea, try my wife’s biscuit, and judge for yourself. ” Chicago Ledger.