Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 3, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 February 1886 — The Patent Contribution Box. [ARTICLE]

The Patent Contribution Box.

Like a phantom of the past he glided ilently into the sanctum, and settled own on a chair opposite us and smiled wice. One of his eyes looked directly ar k to the fall of the Roman Republic, nd the other peered steadily forward o the time when the just man shall be lade perfect, which is a long way off. “I have got something,” he said, after te had allowed us to admire him about hree minutes, “which will either revoutionize Christianity or create a panic a church.” “What do you refer to ?” “An invention of mine, sir. A conribution box that no one will be able o escape in a satisfactory manner. ?he box has a handle to it that cl ses ip and slides out like a telescope. Underneath the box is fixed an electric I >ell, which is connected with a small : »att©ry concealed in the end of the tandle. All that you have to do is to i ouch a spring and you turn on the bell. The purpose of the bell is to prevent dd sinners from dodging the duty they <we to their church. Have you ever een baldheaded church members with ed speckled noses crouch up in the far :orner of the pew, and snore like fury md pretend to be asleep when the dea!on came around to take up the colleci ion ?” “Yes.”

“Well, their day has passed. They rave either got to ante up the ducats >r roost somewhere else. With my lew contribution box, the deacon walks n the middle of the aisle, and when he latches one of the old duffers trying to j oeat the missionary fund, he quietly J dides the box under the ear of the dumberer and sends in an alarm that jallops through him like a rip-saw. I uave seen that box bring sinners face to 'ace with their duty so quick that it oroke their suspenders. It was tested in a Methodist congregation last Sunday, and the net receipts were 50 per ;ent. more than they had been for a period of seven years/ The minister of the church immediately invested in four of the boxes, and the board of stewards presented me with a written testimonial of their regard. I have received letters from very near every preacher in the country, making anxious inquiries concerning my invention. lam egotistical enough to say that it is going to prove the balm of Gilead to the pious reaper in the country vineyard, and if it does aot pay at least 100 per cent, on the nvestment, I am perfectly willing for him to walk into town and kick me on the ear. No matter how tough the ehurch members are, the box is going to jolt money out of them, or dance tvith them unti they imagine they have fallen in with the Philistines an i not a jaw-bone in sight. My contribution box is either going to c ast a beautiful halo about religion, or else cause infidelity to flourish like a cockle-burr patch. It is going to pluck the tares from the wheat. In other words it will be the means of compelling those who have been furnished with religion on credit to pay up or get out. The chances are, it will cause a number of people to adopt Bob Ingersoll or join the Mormons, but what of that—a few shall be lost that many shall be saved. 1 tell you, sir, that Tupper’s Tithe Taker is sure to prove a powerful agent for good. It going to feed the missionary, soothe the orphan, and put a broadcloth suit and a plug hat on the country preacher who right now is riding a long-eared mule on a forty mile circut, and building up an appetite for chicken. After all this talk, I will say, sir, that my object in visiting you was to call your attention to the novelty of my invention, with the hope that it might merit a notice at your hands,” and with a gracious smile and awkward bow he departed. Hence this article. —St. Louis Whip.