Democratic Sentinel, Volume 10, Number 1, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 February 1886 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Awfully swell thing in hats —a dude’s head the morning after a “bat.” A canal horse should never be hard up. He can always draw on the bank. . X high stepper—the tight-rope walker. The Boston girl doesn’t say. “Let’s skip the gutter.” She remarks, “Let ns suddenly overleap the marginal depression of the public thoroughfare.” The scientist who said salt was injurious to tne teeth never had his foot bit off by a ninetv-year-old shark.— Maverick. “Good gracious,” said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest, “I shall be a brick-layer next.”— Boston Bulletin.

In some parts of Africa it is the custom for a woman to knock out her front teeth as soon as she is married. In this country it sometimes happens that a woman, soon after she is married,has this dental operation performed by her husband, in a discussion to decide which shall run- the house.—Norristown Herald.

“Art is a wonderful thing. The painter Rubens could change the face of a laughing child into that of a crying chi.d by a couple of dashes with his brush,” said an Austin lady to a Professor of the University of Texas. “There is nothing wonderful about that. I can do that with oife welldirected cut of a peach switch; I’ve done it time and time again,” replied the Professor of the Texas kindergarten.- —Texas Siftings. Sophronia: “What is a pessimist?” A pessimist is a man who growls when the meat is overdone, growls When it is underdone, growls when it is neither over nor underdone,and cannot see anything good in the world except when he is looking in liis mirror. To your other question, “V\ hat is an optimist?” we reply that he is a whole-sou 1 ed, jolly—but call in and see us in person some day; we don’t charge anything to be looked at. —Boston Courier. sure enough. “Why should the spirit of mortal he sad ?” Tho optimist asked with a sigh. “Why suould the spirit of mortal be glad?” The pessimist asked, in reply. —Boston Gazette.

Sip. John Lubbock says that ants have a means of recognizing each other not easily explained. “The recognition is immediate and complete, even after an absence of a year from the nest.” The recognition in human families is not quite so immediate. For instanco: when an aunt—a poor aunt—from the country visits a city nest occupied by rich relatives, after an absence of only six months, she is not recognized so suddenly and impulsively as to make her feel other than an unwelcome stranger.— Norristown Herald. Washington Irving once said to a lady friend: “Don’t teach your daughters so many things; 'teach them one thing; teach them to be easily pleased.” Judging from the specimens of husbands acquired by numerous young ladies, too many mothers have followed Irving's advice. “Oh, Gawge!” “Yes, darling.” “I fear, oh, I fear that my parents will oppose our marriage.” “What makes you think so?” “Why, you know, Gawge, ma thinks you’re a flirt. She saw you poking the fire in the grate last night, and she said you did it too well. She said no young man had that twist of the wrist who didn’t sit up with a good many girls regularly. Oh, Gawge, are you deceiving me ?” “Deceiving you ? Naw! I got that twist when I went into the restaurant business—opening oysters. lam all yours, Angelina.” “Oh, Gawge!”— Chicago Black Diamond. A TOO COMMON FOOL. There is a man in our town Who wasn’t very wise ; For twenty long and weary years Did he economize. For twenty years he wore old clothes And toiled with might and main, And starved and walked and often froze, And suffered many a pain. For twenty years did he deny Himself the joys of life, And all his self-intlieted woea Were shared by his good wife. In twenty years his wife and he Had saved enough to spend Their few remaining days in peace With plenty to attend. And then this man, like other fools. To Wali street went so gay With what he’d saved for twenty years And lost it in a day. —H. C. Dodge. “You are going into the lecture field, they tell me?” “Yes, 1 think some of doing so.” “Have you ever had any experience in public speaking?” “No, I never tried to address an audience in my life.” “But, my good sir, how can you hope to succeed if you know nothing about the lecture business?” “Oh, I’m posted on the lecture business. You can depend on that.” “But how does that come?” “Come? Why, great Scott, man, I’ve been married twenty-two years!”— Chicago Ledger.