Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 December 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A duck of a man generally makes a goose of a husband. It’s a cold day when a henpecked man is not m hot water. Billiards must be an easy game, for it's mostly done on cushions.— Stockton Mac eric k. “What is your idea of love, Mr. Sinnick?” “Three meals a day, and well cooked.” —Chicago Ledger / “How’s Mr. Toffanuff this morning, doctor?” “Well, sir,” replied the doctor, with a sigh; “terribly well, terribly well.” A Boston man whose wife has run away with a drummer has sworn a solemn oath to kill the scoundrel on sight—if he brings her back again. The young man who expectorates tobacco juice on the kitchen floor mustn’t expect to rate fix - st class in the estimation of the pretty cook.—Maverick. A pious citizen of Buffalo proposes to chain a Bible to each telephone in the country, so that while waiting for replies the telephoners will have something to read of a nature to repress profanity. THOSE extravagant girls. The elephant they went to view, Ami to paint with red the town, And they talked of the pretty girls they know As they poured the wuisky down ; Ami one said gravely to nis chum : “It gives me great distress To think young ladies will chew gum And spend so much for dress.” —Boston Courier.

“I am surprised, sir!” thundered the President, as he caught the C.isluer eroiug through the safe one night, “bo am I,” said the Cashier. “I thought yon were the burglar I hired to blow up the safe after I’d got through.”— Worcester Gazette. Charley Manhattan —“l thought that Shakspeare wrote ‘Charles the First.’” Miss Arlington—“ But, you know, Shakspeare died so many years befox’e Charles the r irst was born that peare is full of anachronisms. ” — Lite. “I don’t care if our dog did whip youi-s!” said an angry little girl to a playmate. “lour dog is a sneaking little thing, anyhow!” “I don’t care.” sobbed the owner of the sneaking dog. “I guess your dog snoukud first.” — Youth's Companion. “Is Washington’s birthday observed in Texas?” asked a New-Yorker who was visiting San Antonio. “Observed!” exclaimed the aston shed native; “why, it’s venerated. It takes four carloads of beer to fill the demand on that sacred day.”— Texas Siftings. One of a half column of “Valuable Hints” says that “insects that get into the ear may be dislodged by lying ou tlxe other side and pouring water into that ear.” If that doesn’t cause the insect to vacate, try boiling oil or molten lead. There are more ways tuan one to discourage an insect iu the ear.— Norristoivn Hera d. “It requires more true heroism for a young man to doff his frock-coat before a lot of maidens when there is a largo patch in the rear of his pants than to face the cannon’s mouth,” says Writemup, whose long experience in the newspaper business and in the army is satisfactory evidence to us that he is good anthoi-ity on the subject.— Maverick. thf. queen of spades. A teacher, all .goodness and smiles, Asked who it was traveled for miles, And feasted her eyes On Solomon wise And his wealth as it lay in great pile The teacher believed much in aids To help people up the steep grades ; So he said, “You can guess— It begins with an ‘S.’ ” And a little boy said, “Queen of Spadosl" — Columbus Dispatch.

S ARE ME AGAIN. I scared you so? lam sorry, but what Was a fellow to do when you looked just so, With your blue eyes tender, your sweet voice low? Yes, ’tis true I forgot. You tempted me. Don't deny it, How so? You are laughing at me—-oh, take care, taka care. You still lead on. You’re a flirt, I swoar! Yes you are, as you know. Well, I'm going. Angry? Oh, no I but then I'm sorry you’re scared by a kiss to-day, And I beg your pardpn. What’s that you say—- “ Please to scare you again !” —Florence M. King, in Holton Courier. Miss Ci-aba (to young Featherly)— “Mamma aud I were discussing a certain rule of table etiquette just before you came in, Mr. Featherly. Mamma thinks it is perfectly proper to take the last piece of bread on the iilate, while 1 contend that to do so is violating a rule almost as fixed as the laws of the Medes and Persians. You must decide for us, Mr. Featherly.” Mamma—“Ye3, Mr. Featherly, please do.” Mi-. Featherly—“ Well—er—really, ladies, you place me in a somewhat embarrassing position. You see, lam only slightly acquainted with the Meades, and I’ve never even met the Persians.” —New York Times.