Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 46, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 December 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

"This is my golden wedding,” re marked an impecunious man when he married a woman worth *IOO,OOO. — Brooklyn Times. Ladies have again taken to wearing combs in their hair, and with a kno wl edge of this fact we venture to suggest that the sweetest thing in combs is honey.— Boston Courier. Fobepaugh says that elephants have a natural fondness for whisky. This may account for men going out to see the elephant.— Texas Siftings. It is stated of a Georgia woman, who died a short time since, that “whenever food was mentioned she grew pale and trembled.” She probably resided at a boarding house.— Texas Siftings. “The inhabitants of Cochin China prefer rotten eggs to fresh ones." \V hat a picnic an inhabitant of Cochin China would have at our boarding house.— St. Paul Herald.

THE AMBITIOUS ANT. The ambitious ant would a-traveling go, To see the pyramid’s wonderful show. He crossed a brook and a field of rye, And came to the foot of a haystack high. "Ah I wonderful pyramid !” then cried ho; "How glad I am that I crossed the sea 1* —A. If. Wells. in St. Nicholas. The distance of the sun from Chicago has been found, by Mr. Ronzeau, to be 1)1,756,800 miles. We therefore feel that, for the present, the sun’s morals are comparatively safe.— Paris Morning News.

“Why is a poor catch called a muff in base-ball parlance?” asks a subscriber. If it isn’t because it warms the hands we don’t know.— Yonkers Statesman. Wrong. It is because it goes around the hands;— Boston Post. Mrs. De Twiblliger—John, I see by the papers that these base-ball matches are very popular, and I think we had better get some. De T.—My dear, base-ball matches are not the kind you mean, although they very often do become fiery.— Philadelphia Call.

Senator Dawes’ daughter has written a book in which she explains “How YVo Are Governed.” When she gets a husband he may feel like adding a sequel entitled “ vVe Are Governed Too Much.” It sometimes happens that way, we’ve been told.— Norristown Herald,.

Boys, as a rule, are a nuisance, but there is always something about our own that makes them a little superior to others. They are of a finer quality of material, and the noise that they make is not the Larsh, nerve-destroy-ing kind that other boys make.— Texas Siftings.

When a country editor who is struggling along, trying to build up a town and rear a large family on five hundred a year, discovers that a base-ball pitcher hauls in four thou-and dollars for a season’s play, it makes him sit down on a roller-box and think,—Chicago Ledger.

Less than fifty years ago it cest for a single letter carried less than eighty miles ten cents. The lovers of fifty years ago who resided eighty miles apart, and kept up an ep stolary correspondence for a year or so, might have saved a hundred dollars or less by deferring their communications until the present time; but we don’t suppose they ever thought of that.—Norristown Herald.

THE MUSICAL YOUNG WOMAN. She thinks that Bach is “oh! so grand,* And Handel “bo sublime," That Haydn is “so quaint, you know,* Mozart, “behind the time," That Beethoven is “just a love,* And Schubert “quite divine," And Sehumau is “too awful nice,* And Mendelssohn “bo fine,” That Rail’s “too sweet for anything,” And Berlioz “how ho scores," She loves that “dear old, queer old Liszt," But Wagner she “adores," Six symphony performances She went to in the fall; A fact which shows beyond a doubt Why now she knows it nH. —Voston Saturday Gazette. THE WAITER. O, waiter, in thine hours of ease, Uncertain, coy, and hard to please, Didst ever respond to aught save fees, Thou waiter? Does pity ne’er within thy breast Give to thy conscience greater zest And stir thee from thy wonted rest, Thou waiter? You’re always looking at the wall, Or ambling slowly down the haU, And never present when I 0011, “Here, waiter." There’s naught, indeed, but filthy gold Will keep your meats from getting cold. It does no good to hate or soold The w;aiter. Fork out the cash, give him the fee, And in a twinkling you will see How quick he’ll move. No more you’ll bo The waiter. —Boston Globe.