Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 39, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 October 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Evert year is sleep-year with a policeman.—Texas Siftings. A stock-dealer —the gambler who stocks the cards.— Texas Siftings. “Fortune smiles” upon those who have winning ways. — Stockton Maverick. The rule of modern society is to be notorious and not laborious. — Barbers’ Gazette. When he married her he exclaimed; “Won at last!” When he got a divorce he exclaimed: “One at last!”—Whitehall Times. “Pay as you go,” says a philosopher. “But what w r ould be the use of going at ail, then!”remarks a Canadian tourist.— St. Paul Herald. The prodigal son spoken of in the Bible, who tilled his belly with com husks, was, no doubt, troubled with a husky voice the remainder of his life. —Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. It is claimed that an able-bodied whale can spout all day without getting tired. An able-bodied lawyer can do the same thing, but it makes the jury very tired.— Chicago Ledger. Jobbins remarks of his neighbor’s vintage, that from the serenades he hears nightly from the neighborhood he believes him to be cultivating the cat-arbor grape.— Yonkers Gazette. “Young Puller” wants to know if we can recommend aD opening for a dentist. Why not try the mouth of the Mississippi ? It is said to be full of old snags.— Marathon Independent. Americans pretend to sneer at titles, and yet tuft-hunting is so peculiary pleasant to this nation of sovereigns that a deputy constable’s deputy can hardly escape the profix Hon.—lndianapolis Herald. “You have no heart,” sighed a lovesick swain to a pretty coquette who had dozens of admirers. “Oh, yes, I have,” she replied. “I have heart enough to accommodate every good-looking man I meet.”— Merchant Traveler.

“Why did the Apostle Paul go to Athens ?” asked a Sunday-school teacher. “Please, sir, was it to throw' the detectives off the track?” answered a Canadian tourist’s little boy whose papa left him behind.— Brooklyn Times. If there is anything more irrepressible than a fly interviewing a bald head, it is the man who having once had a letter accepted and inserted in the paper, thinks that the genius of composition is inborn within him .—Fall lliver Advance. A musical critic says of a vocalist that “when she sings her heart comes into her eyes.” She must have either a very small heart or very large eyes. If she is one of these singers who charge $2,000 and lialf of the receipts of the house, her heart is small enough to go anywhere. — Norristown Herald. The belts now worn by ladies in a ball-room have knobs affixed for their partners to take hold of, instead of the old-fashioned arm-around-waist method of waltzing. Any man who has ever come home late and took hold of the door-knob and danced around the keyhole until his wife opened the door, can comprehend the breezy richness and soul-satisfying pleasure of a belt-knob waltz. — Newman Independent. Bob Burde'tte, usually so well-in-formed on all topics, speaks of “the dear old grandma, 98 years old, who reads without glasses, and eais pie with a knife, never had a day’s sickness, or wore a bustle in her life.” Ah, Robert, you didn’t know grandma when she was a giddy young thing along back in 1807, A. D. You can bet all the “boodle” you have got salted down that she used to wear a bustle at some period of her life, beside which the ones of the present day are small potatoes and few in a hill.— Peck’s Sun. “It’s a great pity that Mrs. Trego dropped off so suddenly, isn’t it?” “Yes, it just is that very thing, mum.” “She’ll be missed for a long time to come.* “Indeed she will, mum. Slio was such a prime hand on gooseberry jam, and she had promised to show me how she made it, too, mum. I’ll declare when . I heard she was dead I jest felt so bad I didn't care whether I got any tomatoes canned or not.”— Chicago Ledger.