Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 38, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 October 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A manicure—a doctor. A taking fellow—a thief. It is the hardship that sails on the sea of trouble.— Whitehall Times. Don’t go to Hot Springs; you are liable to get yourself into hot water.— Carl Pretzel's Weekly. The chronic fisherman is forever dropping a line, but he never drops a lyin’habit.— Yonkers Gazette. Some of our militiamen may not be experts in grammar, but they all know something about tents. — Bt. Paul Herald. The editor of a sensational paper says that divorce cases, elopements, murderers, and so on are the sin-news of war.— Washington Hatchet. “Youb room is better than your company,” said the assignee of the bankrupt insurance corporation to its president, as they sat in the latter’s elegant office.— Barbers’ Gazette. “Live and learn,” remarked Balky to his wife during a little “scrap” they were having. “1 know it, Balky, and death right now would find you needing repairs badly.”— Merchant Traveler. A correspondent, who witnessed a marriage ceremony performed by the Cheyenne Indians, says that the bride was dressed in a six-inch gr:n and three streaks of red paint.— Newman Independent. First Boy—“ They say you are a coward, a liar, a—a—a ” Second Boy —“Do you know what they call you?” F rst Boy—“ What?” Second Boy—- “ They don’t call; they just whistle."— Texas Siftings. It always makes a man feel as if he was meeting with an old friend when he happens in at a railroad refreshment counter and identifies his own last season’s teeth marks upon the sandwich that is handed over to him. — Fall River Advance.

“Pa, do the waters pout?” queried a youngster of his father. “Why, Johnnie, don t talk so foolish. What do you mean?” “Well, I heard you telling mother how the sailors, when you were at sea, used to fire cannon to break the waterspout.— Stockton Maverick. “There is satisfaction in knowing that if you ever get to heaven there won’t be any lace curtains for you to spoil with your horrid old tobacco smoke,” sputtered a Brooklyn wife whose husband would smoke, curtains or no curtains. —Brooklyn Times. Sam Jones, the revivalist, doesn’t tackle kindly to the new name the revisers have substituted for Satan’s dominions. “Why,” he says, “you couldn’t frighten a cat with sheol. ” Probably not. Nor could you scare a cat with the old word —unless you had a brick attached to it when you hurled it at the animal, Words are very unsatisfactory missiles to throw at cats.—• Norristown Herald. “How do you like my new suit, mother?” inquired Mrs. B. as she displayed herself in a bewi dering, beautiful combination of cloth, ribbons, and tucks. “Very much indeed, my dear,” replied the old lady. “It’s very becoming and tits perfectly.” And then she added pleasantly, “I hops you’ll live to wear the suit out, and a hundred more like it.” “Lord! I don’t,” ejaculated her loving husband, who had just read the bill. — Peck’s Sun.

EPITAPHS. On a Poet. Put away his pens anti paper, ink and blotter, everythin?; Now extinguished is lite’s taper— No more lays on “gentle spring.” There are no more threats to shoot him: He is done with earthly cares; Editors no more will boot him Down the editorial stairs. On an Editor. Here his remains his friends have placed, To poet’s he’s no longer crusty, The festive cockroach eats his paste. His faithful shears arc dull and rusty; No more with the knife of his wit doth he fiay “Our loathsome conteinp’rary, over the way,* On a Reporter. With gentle hands we laid him here to rest, Eor he was genial and esteemed by all; We heard the clods they helped upon his breast With a "dull thud” upon his coffin fa I‘. And here he sleeps, all peaceful, safe from harm. No more assigned to base-ball, trots or other sport, No more to hasten at the fire alarm; He’s gone where there are no fires to report. On the Devil. He came for "copy” with demeanor civil, And waited for it with unruffled brow; On earth he did his duty as a devil. In heaven we trust he is an angel now. On a Selfish Man. Few people ever tasted of his cheer, Few were the tears of grief that for him fell. His health was never drank while he was here. But now, undoubtedly, he’s toasted well. —Boston Courier.

Ik "Brain Best,” Prof. J. L. Corning gives seven rules whereby mental bankruptcy may be avoided. Avoid, first, excessive indulgence of the emotions; second, frantic, desultory efforts to accomplish in one hour an amount of mental work appropriate to double that amount of time; third, avoid every species of excess which experience has proven leads to general constitutional drain; fourth, avoid attempting to do two things at one and the same time; fifth, avoid petty social and other engagements which interfere with the function of sleep; sixth, avoid constipation, as experience has abundantly proven that this condition is productive of abnormal depression; seventh, avoid indigestible food. A southern physician has studied the subject of a difference between the northerners and southerners. In tropical countries the complexion of the people is that of convalescing from fever, and indicates that the conditions of the blood are no longer susceptible to febrile influences. The number of red corpusces in the northern blood rapidly disappear in tropical regions subjected to malaria. Grief ennobles. He who has sot suffered can never have thought or felt.