Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 36, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 October 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

There is an infidel cobbler in St. Paul who says that when he breatheshis last it will be awl over with his sole. — St. Paul Herald. Did you ever really know a woman too busy to run to the parlor window to look at a neighbor with a new bonnet?—Fall River Advance. A half-ounce of scandal will blast a great reputation quicker than ten pounds of dynamite will rend an ordinary rock.— Barbers' Gazette. “Of course you believe he loves her?” “I’m not so sure about it.” “Why not?” “Why, ding it all, he wants to marry her!” — Chicago Ledger. Experiments are being made to coin. money out of quicksilver. It is hoped that they will get some kind of money that will huiry subscribers a Mltie.— Newman Independent. Lard may be weak and cheese be flat And egsis no for a song— But the man who deals in butter laughs. For butter's always strong. —Boston Courier. “They didn’t pick that stuff quick enough, did they, mamma?” asked a little boy as he passed a grocery where several cakes of Limburger were taking a breathing spell outside.— Brooklyn Times. “I know what makes it yain, mamma,” said a little toddler during a shower on a hot day. “And what do you think it is that does it, darling?” “I dess it’s Dod a twettin’.”— Chicago Ledger. Prof. Proctor says that “without water there can be no volcano.” “That may be (hie) so,” said old Beasley; “and without whisky there (hie) would be fewer eruptions—at home.”—Norristown Herald. “I can’t say as he went to heaven,” remarked a Eort Scott citizen erf a deceased townsman, “but he paid a bill of tleven years’ standing the day before he died, and you can jadge for yourself. ” — Texas Siftings. Tableau—Mother with a bad boy bent—across her knee. Slipper in her hand, which she surveys intently. Recitative—meditatively; Urn, urn. Tnis looks to be very well adapted to tlie end in view— Merchant Traveler. “I am going to husband my resources,” said an indulgent mother to a worthless son, who was worrying her life by demanding money. “I think you had better husband some of my sisters,” was the curt repiy.— Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. An exchange notes: “Maay wellmeaning people neglect the payment of bills, not because they are too stingy to pay or have not the means to do so, but merely because they do not realize how convenient it would be to those to whom the money is due.” — Yonkers Gazette. “Miss Emma Nevada,” it is stated, “recently kissed 300 girls in San Francisco. ” Well, that is nothing to brag of. When we were a young man—remember we emphat.cally state the time —we kissed 4.00 young girls, and we didn't go to California to do it either. Whitehall Times. “D o you have your chickens sent you from Tennessee?” asked a new boarder of an Eighth avenue landlady. “No, sir; I get them down in the market. Why?” “Oh, nothing-; only I read this morning that hens in that section of the country are never kilted until old enough to vote. That’s all. ” New York Morning Journal. A CATASTROPHE. Only a cyclist gigantic, Astrid ot a sixt -inch wheel. Eyeing sidew se a maiden romantic As he drives on his swift steed of steel. Only a j oor little tabby, blinnin,' slyly a .ross the smooth street. Her mouled fur d.rty and shaoby, Out she darts from beneath the girl's feet. Only a sky-rocket header. While the maiden jmst stands still and stares; A poor feline, wuo couldn’t be deader, And a whopping old bill for repairs. —Somerville Journal. When Eli Perkins was in LittleRock, and while ho sat in the rotunda of the hotel, relating hia experiences, an old farmer who had been an attentive listener arose, sighed wearily, and remarked to a friend: “Come on, tarn, let’s go. I don’t’ know that man’sname and I don't want to hurt his feelin's, but blamed if I don’t believe that he’s the worst cut-aud-dried liar I ever saw. Come on or he’ll fetch the rheumatiz back on me so bad I can’t hobble.”— Arkansaw Traveler. REPARTEE. Th?y were lunching one day. In a handsome cate. And see happen* d to say. As she notic' d the way ♦That he and icecream were In unity, “Can you eat ice cream with impunity?" And he made the reply. With a wink of the eye, "No, but 1 can with a spoon.” But her triumph came soon; As they leit the saloon. He gave her a good o )>ortunity; “And now, Bessie, dear. As the weather is clear. Can you take a walk w.th impnaify?" Her smile was as bright as the moon, And deliciously shy • Came the mocking reply, "No, but I can with a spoon." —Ben Wood Bavin, in • -ife.