Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 34, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 September 1885 — The Secret Order Fiend. [ARTICLE]

The Secret Order Fiend.

Beware of the secret order fiend. He is one who hts a mania for joining every society he hears of. It is a disease which costs a man much time and money and brings him no good. It makes no particular difference to the fiend what order he belongs to, so long as there is something mysterious about it, and it is run on passwords and grips, and meets in very high buildings on hot nights. When a young man is really crazy to join something, he will hitch on to the Golden Rule Chapters, to the Reconstructed Order of Indians, to the Hypothecated Sons of Cabbage, to the Most Puissant Peruvian Bark Peelers, or to any other that sounds grand or gives a sword-bearer in the concern the most importance on a wet picnic. Did you ever catch on to a veteran ancient and honorable Odd-Fellow ? He is a character. He always looks alike. That is, one looks like another. The veterans in this order have always held office. They are covered with honors and they are harmless. On the ends of their names are the most wonderful collection of initial letters to be found. Spell them out and they are the most Exalted Rulers of the Universe, the Past Grands of Affluent Ideas, the Vice Regent Regulators of Destiny, the Curtain Fixers of the Inner Temple, the Superior Brass Rod Handlers of the Third Veil. When the order gives an annual ball or picnic these men’s names and all their titles are printed in blue ink on red programmes. The Chief of Police or J udge of a Supreme Court would look upon one of these titled beings with awe. Hunt them up, and what are they ? One is a little shoemaker, sawed off and hammered down, who never speaks loud. Another is a tailor too tired to work, who is always on a committee, and who would make your acquaintance for fifteen cents. Another order which runs on grips is the Sons of Temperance. The platform of this organization is that getting drunk is sociability and to keep sober one must have company. The Sons allow the ladies, God bless ’em, to be visitors. It is for this that very many shaggy, ugly looking men embrace the order. The brothers of this style of order are apt to be weak, but they brace up on titles descriptive of Worth and Wisdom.

There are also numerous orders put up to tickle the fancy and catch the chivalrous. There are the Knights of Circles, Knights of Modesty, Knights of the Great unknown, Knights of this or that; hut mostly are they Knights that keep men down town when they ought to be at home. Little weazenfaced, bow-legged fellows are Knights of this class, and they make people laugh when they march on the streets, though the gay uniforms make them feel good. The secret order fiend is one who belongs to everything going. When, he has spent his time and money he becomes a fraternal vampire. He must live somehow on the order he has fastened himself to. He manages to hold forever what few offices there are that pay salaries, no matter how tired the subordinates have become of seeing bis name year after year. A professional secret order office holder is a terrible thing and is to be avoided. So is the fiend who neglects his business, if he has any, on the plea of working for his order. The advantages of belonging to orders are not great. “Going to the lodge” is no longer a good excuse for getting a night out with the boys. It is so thin any woman can see through it. Be a nice little gentleman, and without any secret order monkeying. Yon may receive a grip of friendship from all hands and hold a password that will bring you welcome in all good society.— St. Louis Whip.