Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 33, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 September 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A cow has two lips, but cowslips and tulips are not at all similar.— -Merchant Traveler. A cyclone is like a waiter. It carries everything before it.— Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. When the heart is full the lips are silent; when the man is full it is different.— Texas Siftings. It isn’t to be relied upon that every pharmacist would make a good farm assistant.— Yonkers Gazette. “Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home,” sing the disappointed office-seekers. — Brooklyn Times. Give the devil a wide berth, and he will give the wide berth reserved for you to another.— White Ha I Times. Mark Twain is said to come of a long-lived race. Many of his jokes show their paternity and have a family characteristic.— Bos ton Times. The longest word used in Eliot’s Indian Bible is Weetappesittukgussunnookwehtunkquoh. It makes a firstclass clothes line.— St. Paul Herald, A correspondent writes us 500 words on a postal-card,announcing that she has just recovered from an attack of failing health. Our attack has just come on.— Chicago Current. A scientist studied neology. His wife studied paleontology: Their children detest Triiobit- s and the rest, But witu hook and line learn ichthyology. Youih's Ooini/aiiiou. The new Bible expression, “O sheol,” may do for the clergy to expatiate upon, but it can never be recalled like the old word when a man uses his thumb-nail for a screw-driver.—New-man Independent. “Are you going for business or pleasure?” said a gentleman to his friend about to depart for Paris. “For pleasure.” “Does your wife accompany you?” “I told you I was going for pleasure.”— Boston Post. “Are your windows open toward Jerusalem?”’asked a representative of the Salvation Army add:essirg ayoung man. “Well, I guess so,” was tne reply; “there’s a row of pawnbrokers’ shops right opposite our house.”—Boston Courier. A scientist says that tie number of stars seen by the naked eye is not more than 1,500. All the same, there are occasions when a man is willing to wager that he saw 150,000,000,0d0 stars with the naked eye—to say nothing of a few million comets and meteors. — Norristown Herald.

“Never go back,” advises a writer; “what you attempt, do with all your strength.” How about a man who has attempted to catch a train but failed ? Is he never to go back? Must he wait, no m dter how long, for the next one? Ah, we fear that abstract philosophy is scarcely applicable to the events of bur concrete existence.— Lowell Citizen. “Look here, boy,” said the pompous Deacon Truly good to a newsboy whom he found dancing a jig* on the pavement last Sunday, “do you know whose day this is ?” “I may be a little off, ” answered the arab, squinting impudently through one eye to his questioner, “but 1 guess you don t carry it in your vest pocket.”— Washington Hatchet. “Call again,” said the man to the grocer, "You must call some other day.” And tne gr< err quietly tolded the bill And silently stole away. “Now, I wonder,” thought the grocer, "Il he s busted and cannot pay. He certainly seems to be honest; It's too bad to be that way.” The grocer went with his wife that night To see a two-sailling play, And in the iive-doliar private box Sat the man who could not pay. —Toledo American. HER SILENCE. She moves in a myster.ous way. Ignoring callers, day b / day; With linn resolve and solemn face, With quiet air and queenly grace. Following up each nrm endeavor, Seldom conversing—smiling never. Her meals she crunches ail alone, What, think you, maxes th.s maiden Lair Move with a san and solemn air? Why does she never smile again On augntin range 1 f mortal ken? Ask ot her dentist, he can tell. He understands her reason we 1; He knows what all her grief’s about— All her front teeth have been pulled out! —Chicago Weeiciy Sun,