Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 28, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 August 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

The best-posted traveler is a letter. Most of Persia is very rugged, hence the Persian rug. Needles we:e invented in 1545, some men haven’t learned to thrathem yet. Artists should never neglect being vaccinated,as they are always sketching something. It is said that the sting of a hornet will cure rheumatism, or at least make one forget it. Wealth screens depravity, but it isn’t worth shucks as a preventive of corns.— Barbers’ Gazette. The young man who neither drinks, smokes, nor swears may have the worse fault of thinking that he is better than he ought to be. Salt water is said to be a cure for lunacy. It is certainly a cure for freshness, and that, in some men, amounts almost to lunacy. An exchange says a great many worthy American citizens go to Mexico every year without any intention of returning. We ought to have an effective extradition treaty with Mexico.— Texas Siftings. “There is only one thing that makes me doubt the truth of the gospel,” said Cross, when Ross, who is an earnest devotee, was trying to persuade his friend to turn from the error of his ways. “What is that?” asked Ross. “The apostles were nearly all fishermen.”— St. Paul Herald. CONCORD PHILOSOPHY. What is the Whichness of the Now And the Itness of the This? A dainty matd with pouting lips, And a time to snatch a kiss. What is the Wher. ncss of the Then And the Nearness of the Who? An old papa, with unkind haste. _ And a number twenty shoe. —The Judge. “Have you an extra umbrella I could borrow?” asked a man in a friend’s office. “I have an umbrella,” replied the friend, pointing to a weather-beaten, rock-ribbed piece of dusty calico in the corner, “but I don’t think you will find it anything extra. ” He spoke the truth, but the umbrella never came back all the same. — Merchant Traveler. The National Burial Case Association announces that its object is to “make it cheaper for a man to die. A man can die now for ten cents, invested in arsenic, and if he thinks that is not cheap enough he doesn’t deserve to die. It may be the intention of the Burial Case Association, however, to furnish the poison gratis and throw in a free pass to Coney Island.— Norristown Herald. An eminent English medical authority makes the statement that cancer is a disease confined to the rich. The poor have always something to.be thankful for; if they cannot go to the beaches or mountains in the sweltering days of the summer nor escape to a warm climate to avoid the rigors of the winter they can laugh and snap their fingers at gout and cancer, and say, “We ain’t afraid of you, at any rate!” —Boston Courier. An article in an agricultural journal is entitle “Profits in Small Fruits Near Large Cities.” There is not much profit in raising small fruits near large cities, unless the premises are well supplied with a crop of cross dogs. The farther from a large city small fruits—or large ones either—are raised, the more profit there is in the business. —Norristown Herald. The baneful influence of the modern cooking academy will penetrate the interior of our best households, in Spite of all endeavors to return to the good old-fashioned cooking of our mothers. “That looks very nice, indeed,” remarked Mr. Fitzjoy to his better half, as he uncovered the breakfast dish. “What is it?” “That’s the cook’s specialty. Tripe smothered in crumbs of bread.” “Well, I should say so,” as he made an unsuccessful attempt to cut it. “It’s mighty tough.” “I don’t see. The cook has a diploma. She ought to be a good one.” “Oh, that accounts for it. She’s fried the diploma.”— Hartford Post. BROWN BREAD. [From the Chicago Ledger.] It sometimes takes more courage to have a tooth pulled than it does to run for office. If vengeance is ever reaped with a razor-edged sickle the harvest comes off about the time a barber discovers he has a book agent in the chair. If a woman could make as much noise in proportion to her size as a cricket, some means of getting to the moon would soon be discovered. Instead of giving gas to stupefy the patient, an lowa dentist has his wife play on the piano in an adjoining room whenever he has teeth to pull. Nothing on this bubble of infirmity has more of a tendency to rob man of the dye stuff in his hair than marrying for money and getting woefully left, It is to be regretted that Darwin died before the dude came on the carpet, or we might not be longer kept in suspense for the want of a missing link. Somebody claims that the seraphic beings who people the beautiful beyond are all poets. That probably explains why newspaper men seldom commit suicide. A trump in the hand is worth three in the deck, when the game is close, unless your partner happens to have the right bower up his sleeve at the critical moment. One of the two free circulatinglibra.ries in Philadelphia, that of the Friends in G ermantown, permits no work of fiction upon its shelves, yet it loans nearly 15,000 volumes a year, and about 25,000 people come annually to read in its rooms.