Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 25, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 July 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

How quickly two quarts of scandal will expand into a peck of trouble! — Barbers’ Gazette. No, “Anxious Inquirer;” the feats of calculation performed by some of our bookkeepers do not come under tbe head of ledger-demain.— Merchant Traveler. What is the difference between ascending pyrotechnics and a drunkard’s mouth? One is a sky-rocket and the other is a rye-socket.— Newman Independent. There is more joy in the sanctum of the editor for the one bore who is kicked, than there is for the ninety and nine who cometh not in contact with a boot prow.— Whitehall Times. It is stated that Lord Tennyson never reads amateur poetry. We are therefore led to conclude that he sends bis later poems to the printer without reading them over.— Texas Siftings. “Earth has no rasre like love to hatred turned, And hell no fury iike a woman ” when she finds that her husband has locked up his favorite razor, and left her to cut her corns with a pair of scissors.—Fall River Advance. Of all the distractions under the sun that perplex a man to baldness, nothing is more rasping than this thing of getting tangled up in a patent medicine advertisement that starts out with as much fascination as spearing fish by moonlight.— Chicago Ledger. Jones —Good morning, Johnson. How are you feeling now? Johnson— Mornin’. Oh, I feel better this morning. Just had a Turkish hath: first one I ever took. Good things they are, I guess. Jones—Yes, soap is good; you ought to have tried it before.—Brooklyn Times. THE ATTRACTION THAT WAS THERE. "You’ve come from the rink,” said the maiden fair To the youth who was on her waiting; “Pray tell me what's the attraction there To-night—ls it fancy skating?” He rubbed his spine and his face betrayed His bosom’s agitation; "The same old attraction is there,” he said, “The attraction of gravitation.” — Boston Courier. »

“Pat, did you say you had worked for Father Donovan ?” “Oi did, sur!” “And did he approve what you did lor him?” “He niver said a word agin it, sur!” “That’s saying a good deal, for Father Donovan w’asn’t the man to be silent in the presence of anything tha£ met his disapproval. What was the nature of the work you did for him ?” “An’ it plaze ye, Oi was sixton of Kilrain Church an’ Oi dug his grave.”— Yonkers Gazette. Among the Persians, if a man is caught stealing the second time his hands are cut off. This punishment, we should think, would be more effective in reducing the number of pickpockets than ten years’ imprisonment. Very few criminals learn to pick pockets with their feet. The punishment for the third conviction in Persia is not stated, but we suspect his head is cut off. That would cure him.-—Norris-town Herald. “No, mam; she don’ coine to our house no mo’.” “Pshaw! chile; you don’ tell me! How does dat come?” “Well, jes’ bekase she’s got too proud an’ stuck-up to mix wid common folks now days any mo’.” “Proud! Oh, good Lawd! What dat sleepy hussy got to be proud wid, I like to know ?” “Why, bless yo’ sweet soul, honey, she’s ma’d a sleepin’ ca’ po’tah, an’ I reckon she has m’lasses on de table ebry day now.” —Chicago Ledger. “I hear you’ve been writing another play, Bliffkins.” “That’s about the size of it, Doctor.” “What's the trash like?” “Well, I tackled a tragedy this time.” “A tragedy, eh? You’re a bigger fool than I thought you were. Do you suppose that anything in that line from you will be likely to equal those already produced?” “Really, Doctor, our work will not be likely to conflict. My tragedy will be bound in paper, while yours are always done up in mahogany and rosewood.” —Detroit Journal.

THE STANDARD JOKE (?) ALPHABET. rFor Funny Men.] A s the green Apple that hills little boys; B is the Barber and Boarding-house joys; C’s the spring Chicken and Clam in the Chowder; D is the Dude and the Dynamite powder; E is the Editor killing a poet; Fis the Foot, as Chicago girls show it; G’s empty Gun, Goat, and Gas-meter utter; H is the Hash and the Hair in the butter : I is the Ice-man, of course, and Ice-cream; J is the Jersey mosquito supreme; K is the Kick of a mule when he's mad; L is the Lover that’s bounced by the dad; M is May Moving and Mother-in-law; N’s the Niagara hackman's big maw-, O’s the One Oyster in church stews so thin; P’s Picnic, Plumber, pie. Poet, and Pin; Q is the Question that’s popped by us all; R is the Roller Rink—newest of all; S is the Stovepipe, and Shortcake so murky; T is the Tramp and the Thanksgiving Turkey; U’s the Umbrella, that’s Used-up and lent; V is the Verses to newspapers sent; W is the Waterme on immense; X is the small Easter bonnet’s ’Xpense; Y is the leap-Year. that tickles men folks; Z is the Zany who “chestnuts” these jokes. — H. C. Lodge.