Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 25, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 July 1885 — Page 6

THE OOU BATTAN. Rip-So-Hot was an angular dame of the i rovince of Yang-Ki-Yunjt, With a temi er as wai m as her peppery name, And, with her neighbors, a deathless fame Kept green by i,er tireless tongue. Bate and early, ea’ly and late. Her strident voice was heard Taxing the air without rebate With no soft tone to mitigate The sting of her gentlest word. Bat-Tan-Yah was her only son— Rattan his name tor short — No more given to frolic and fun. And mischievous tricks than many a one Of the festive ’Melicau sort. But every day the peevish dame Would tan her oiispring’s hide With atorturesome instrument, much the same In frissy keenness, and now in name, As her tender joy aud pride. Rat-Tan-Yah yelled with might and main In time with his mother's tongue. And he tallied for every mark of cane— But not-on hts brow—with a yawp of pain That echoed throughout K 1 Yung. About the age of twelve or so Battan h' d waxen tough. And answered r.ot tiie cutting blow With a howl of pain, or yawp of woe; He had howled and yawped enough. In silence fer three dolesome years lie took his daily score, But neither with cries, nor yells, nor tears—--80 by tradition the fact appears— Would hint of the pain he bore. One summer day Dame Rip-So-Hot Seemed lacking in vocal vim. Rattan took not ; that she did not I’epper his ears with the red-hot shot iSlio used to pelt at him. And no more beat his parchment hide In timo with her tireless tongue; But silently moped by the fireside from early morn till eventide; And there was peace in Yang-Ki-Yung.“ Battan In a c- rner sat alone, And wiped his weeping eyes. “What is )t ails my precious son?” Said the dame in a strangely gentle tone It was hard to recognize. “I weep because, alas, I fear That you are growing weak. Your hand has lost, O mother, dear! Its cunning, and the neighbors near Can hardiy hear you speak.” Again he wept, and berjred (hat she Would try her voice once more. And let the bamboo whistle tree. So that both voice and cane might be In concert as before. With this raie show of filißllove Battan surprised the dame, Who. quick her gratitude to prove, With voice like that of cooing dove. Gave to the switch his name. Because the youngster kissed the rod, As seldom mortals do, China reveres him as a god— This tricky, shatp, bamboozling fraud— And his hateful namesake, too. —New York Clipper.

MY PRIVATE ASTRONOMER.

BY CLARENCE A. WEBSTER.

My early education was neglected, übiefly by myself, a fact which my wife, who is superior to me, mentally and •morally, is not slow to keep in the foreground in a very annoying manner. She does not know how irritating she is in her efforts to improve my mind, as I have never pointed it out to her. When she commences to talk I merely walk out of the house, lighting a cigar with slow absent-mindedness, which, judging from the effect, is truly exasperating. From long experience I have discovered that conscious silence is beyond a woman’s comprehension, and shuts her up in a manner only equaled by the effect on a man of an offer to bet five to one, closely followed by a show of money. Although I would not care to own it, I was at length goaded into a sneaking desire to shine in intellectual circles, and to be able to distinguish between the works of Emerson the minstrel and Emerson the author. Between you and me, I regard Billy as having more brains than his high-toned brother who wrote books. He made more money any way; but how my wife would rave should she hear me utter such a “Philistine heresy.” (“Philistine heresy” is one of her pet gags). I commenced my intellectual improvement by buying books, those of neat but not gaudy binding being preferred. I brought home a book nearly every day, and at first my wife beamed on me at the evidence of my “renaissance” (her gag); but I think at length she came to regard it as extravagance, and entertained a mean suspicion that too much “intellectual pabulum” (her gag again)might affect the sealskin sacque fund. I sought after knowledge pretty evenly, and with considerable nerve, until one day an unprincipled dealer worked off a Welsh dictionary on me, and then I shut down. I am rather liberal in my educational views, but I draw the line at Welsh dictionaries. After that I rarely bought a book, except when I had been out late with the boys, and wished to fortify my statement to the effect that I had spent the evening at our literary club and had just brought home something choice from the club library. Little things like this sometimes carry conviction when arguments fail. I was walking along the street one fine frosty evening when an idea struck pie, suggested by the sight of a cold and shivering curbstone telescope fakir. X stopped in front of him in order to thoroughly grasp the idea; for with me they are scarce and come high. With my wife it is different. “Five cents a look. Fine view of Jupiter,” remarked the sidewalk astronomer. “Here, gimme a quarter’s worth,” said I, handing over the coin. The man grinned, believing me drunk and good for any amount of money. I was never more sober in my life. It was .merely the. idea working. “Astronomy goesftsaid I. “Wliat?” observed the man, a little :anxiously, for he was not now sure he did not have a crank on his hands. “How much do you make a night ?” I tasked. “Not enough to keep me in salt,” he

answered, rathor savagely, for he now thought he saw in me a possible rival. “Then I can hire you pretty cheap, for my own private use, can’t 1?” A shade of regret that he had not announced himself on the high road to wealth crossed his face as he commenced to haggle with me over the price of the service. “I merely want you to give me some practical lessons in agronomy. My education is way off, and I want to get posted. Books put me to sleep. Now this is practical. It’s getting right at things. I'll look through your machine, and you can give me the pedigree and time of the stars as we go along, and I will remember it just as easy as I can the record of a boss I see trot with my own eyes. You get on to mv scheme?” “I think I do.” “You can give me a starter right now. Here’s a dollar for you. Aow tell me all I can remember about that star you have leveled your spyglass at.” The fellow hemmed and hawed and acted as though he didn’t know how to begin, until I suggested his refunding the dollar. That seemed to revive him and he turned loose a dray load of information, all of which 1 could not believe, not being of a credulous turn of mind. “That is the planet Jupiter,” he commenced, while I nearly broke my back bending down to get a good fair chance at it. “It is the largest of the constellations and is a hundred and seventyfive thousand miles thick.” I took it in without a quaver and my astronomer seemed to chipper up, talking with less hesitancy. “It has four moons, which you will observe ranged around the planet like the bags around the pitcher’s stand on a base-ball field. They have on that world both night and day shift moons. There is enough, so that at least one can throw off light all the time without too much wear and tear on the solar system. Moonlight walks on Jupiter have lost their charm, having become so common. ” I soaked in that piece of knowledge, and the astronomer brightened up still more. “If you will observe very closely you will be able to see tbe planet is enveloped in a vague and scarcely discernable nebula hypothesis.” “Hold on; say that again.” “What? Nebula hypothesis?” “Stop her, while I get my note-book to bear on it. Just let me gather that word in, and if I don’t paralyze my wife with it you may call me a horned toad.” He told me how to spell and pronounce it, and then I let him go on with the show. “A year on the planet Jupiter is a very long time,” he resumed. “It is about as long as eleven of ours.” “Oh, come, now; you can’t make me believe that!” I protested, as I let go the machine and tried to straighten out the crick in my back. “That’s what Proctor says. I don’t know anything about it myself, but he stakes his professional reputation on the assertion, ” urged my astronomer. It was a tough story, but Proctor settled it. I had heard my wife mention Proctor. “Yes sir, eleven years and nearly twelve ” “Great Caesar, but that’s hard on the grangers over in Jupiter—only one crop to three Presidential elections.” “I reckon it’s tiresome, but I suppose they get used to it. ” “It must be pleasant for merchants when a farmer comes in and asks to get trusted, and says he will pay after harvest—in the course of eight or ten years.” “There are some disadvantages about that, and then there are some advantages, too. It isn’t so bad if you are the one who owes the money. ” “That’s so. Now give her a turn ahead. ” “Some scientists assert that the inhabitants of Jupiter are transparent.” “Say-er-er, what’s your name?” “Liggins. ” “Well, Liggins, I’m cussed if astronomy isn’t interesting. Why, it’s great! It knocks a political campaign clear out. Gimme some more.” “As I was saying, some scientists, notably Herschel and La Place, assert that the inhabitants of Jupiter are transparent, while Kepler disputes this. ” “I guess I’ll tie up with Kepler on this deal. ” «■ “But there is one thing they all agree on—that the people can only be a foot and a half high, and about four feet thick, sloped a good deal like a mud-turtle with a head on top instead of at the end. You see the force of gravitation is so great that a man built like us would be plastered right down, and wouldn’t be able to stand alone unless he was several times stronger than men usually are. Why, it would break Sullivan’s back ” “Good deal like your machine, eh?” The planet, as I saw it, was hard to describe. It looked more like a big gob of light with four spatters around it than anything I can call to mind. It appeared rather scratchy, and was speckled with some dark spots, as, also, with some white specks. I asked Liggins, who was getting pretty cold by this time, what one of the largest white specks was, and he gave an opinion to the effect that in his estimation—scientific men, he allowed, couldn’t be too careful in their deductions—in his estimation it was the canvass of some big, first-class show company—the “iNine Allied London Shows,” for instance, all spread out, Possibly, it included the side shows, though he didn’t care to go on record about the side shows. Scientific men had to be careful. The thing looked plausible and I absorbed it.

“When I proposed having a shy at some other star, Liggins said he had a sick baby, and must hurry home. I was enthusiastic, in spite of my back, and wanted more, but Liggins waved his sick baby, so to speak, .in my face, and I let him go when be promised to have a fresh star on top the next night. As I had no desire to make a holy show of myself, we arranged to have the succeeding seances come off in my back-yard, and I got well started in astronomy. Every night Liggins lugged his telescope up to my house and back again, notwithstanding my offer to keep it safely. He said he wanted to pursue some private investigations by himself. Another thing struck me as peculiar, Avhich was that we could have but one star at a time. As soon as I suggested a sort of astronomical free-for all, Liggins always remembered that his baby had swallowed a copper or something of that sort. I didn’t believe the yarns about the baby, and I didn’t believe Liggins had a baby. I could not, nor can I now, understand how any self-respecting baby could own Liggins for a father, for he was about the most mangy-looking citizen I ever saw. Notwithstanding bis economy in the matter of stars we got along swimmingly. I took one every clear night and learned to be satisfied with that. I then thought he had an idea his invoice of planets and asteroids might run short. I found out differently later. “I want to see a comet,” said I one night. “I’ll find you one,” remarked Liggins, who was a very accommodating person. “We will have comets to morrow.”

Sure enough, he was as good as his word, and trotted out a big comet as promised. It was somewhat breezy in the tail, and not exactly as I expected. I spoke to my wife about it, and she thought it was unbecoming in me to find fault with the solar system. Next thing I would be talking positive infidelity. I must learn not to set myself up against Copernicus, Kepler, Newton, La Place. Herschel, Lockyer, Proctor, and all those. The job lot of names she fired at me sounded as if they belonged to a hard crowd to beat, so 1 went out and smoked. Although the cloudy nights came in pretty thick about that time, we made very fair progress, doing up Mars, Uranus, Neptune, Venus, the Pleiades, the Milky Way, the Dipper, Saturn, and some others. Saturn with its rings looked like a target in a shooting gallery. Liggins had been telling me about a French astronomer by the name of Verne, who built a big cannon, and crawling into a hollow ball, shot himself to the moon, a proceeding which I would consider a tritie risky. He took a flyer around the orb (“orb” is one of Liggins’ gags), rounding the last quarter post without a skip, and lit on earth again all right. It’s funny the newspapers didn’t say anything about it. They usually do touch on such things. Well, that little story got me interested in the moon, and we fixed a date to investigate it. My wife settled on the same night for one of her symposiums, to be followed by a little progressive eucher and toned up a trifle by something in the refreshment line. My wife is noted for her literary gatherings. Liggins came around as usual, and, to alleviate his disappointment at my not coming to time on astronomy, I had a waiter carry out a dollar, a plate of chicken salad, and a, glass of champagne. Unfortunately, the bottle was left within his reach, and he went home satisfied with every one on this earth, and especially grateful to the solar system. For the first time since I had known him he left his telescope on the back porch. We got up late the next morning and my wife was cross, but brightened up when I came home to lunch. “Tom,” said she, “do you know how to run that telescope?” “N—no—l don’t know as I do. Liggins always attended to that.” She said nothing more about it and I went down town. When I returned I found the girl on her knees scrubbing a kerosene spot on the sitting room carpet and the wreck of the telescope, dissected by my wife, lying about the floor. She grabbed me by the arm and took me to a window. There she held up a piece of dirty glass. “What is that, do you think?” she asked, in her superior way. “It looks like a photo negative.” “It looks like it, but it isn’t. ” “Now listen.” Just as if I could do anything else but listen. “That miserable astronomer, whom I told my friends was a distinguished savong in distress, is nothing but a mean cheat. On this piece of glass is a clumsy picture of the moon in India ink. Hold it up to the sun. That light spot is the moon, and this opaque part represents sky.” My face showed that I didn’t understand her, and it irritated her. “That telescope was nothing but a big tin tube bronzed over with a slide up near the end, to Blip this glass in, and a place beyond it for a small hanging kerosene lamp to light it up similar to a transparency. That is what you have been looking at all this time. Studying astronomy 1 Good heavens!” There are times when the English language does not fill the bill as a medium of expression. My wife caught me struggling with my overcoat. “Thomas Henry, where are you going ?” “I’m going to interview Mr. Liggins. ” “You shall do nothing of the sort. You will make yourself the laughing stock of the town. Take off that coat.” My wife was right, as usual. “How did you discover the fraud?” I

asked, after I had cooled down. My wife looked embarrassed, a d I saw there was something in the wind. I did not cut that day, nor the next, but by a strict attention to business I managed eventually to ascertain. She had always believed the Livingstones, although they held their heads rather high, did not have enough to eat on the table half the time. As we can command a view of their dining-room from our sitting-room window, by using a powerful glass, she had tried to bring a little science to bear on the problem, with the narrated result. When Liggins came for his telescope it was given him in pieces. I never saw him again, but some months later he sent for me to pay a fine for vagrancy. He, however, went up for sixty days, and I shipped him a copy of “Dick’s Sidereal Heavens, ” one of my early purchases, to comfort him in his seclusion.

William Harvey.

William Harvey, the discoverer of the circulation of the blood, was born at Folkstone, England, April 1, 1578. He was of a well-to-do family, and received a university education, taking his first degree at Cambridge in 1597. Having selected physic for his profession, he went in 1598 to the University of Padua, then the most celebrated school of medicine in the world. There he received his diploma as Doctor of Medicine in 1002, and returning to London, began the practice of his profession. In 1009 he was appointed physician to St. Bartholomew’s Hospital, and in 1015 was made lecurer at the College of Physicians. It is generally supposed that in his first course of lectures in 1616 he expounded those original and accurate views of the circulation of the blood with which his name has since been associated. He continued to demonstrate the subject in lectures, strengthening his theory with new illustrations, till he finally gave his discovery to the world in a treatise published in 1628. In 1628 Harvey was appointed physician to King James 1., and in 1632 received the same appointment for his successor, Charles I. He accompanied the Earl of Arundel in his embassy tp the German Emperor in 1036, and while in Nuremberg lectured there on his great discovery. He attended King Charles in his various expeditions, and was with him at the battle of Edgeliill, 1042. In 1046 he withdrew from practice and occupied himself in revising and completing his essays, etc., for publication. He contributed funds about this time to build a handsome addition to the College of Physicians in London, and in 1054 the college, as an expression of gratitude, elected him its President; but he declined the office on account of his age and infirmities. In 1050 he resigned his lectureship, after having held it for forty years. He died at London, June 3, 1057. —Inter Ocean.

Frank P. Blair’s Grit.

The campaign of 1868 was attended by a deal of sporadic killing and bloodshed, and it was a dangerous thing for a Democrat to speak as Blair and Phelps spoke throughout the State, In one of the southwestern towns a coterie of Bepublicans swore that Frank P. Blair should not make a speech in that town. On the night in question the Court House was filled with an angry, excited crowd, through which Gen. Blair rapidly made his way to the front. Arriving at the stand, he drew with his right hand a navy revolver and laid it carefully down, saying: “Fellow-citizens, I have come to speak to you of the political issues now agitating the State.” Here he drew from his left hip pocket another navy revolver and placed it as carefully on the desk, continuing without interruption: “And I propose to address you without fear or favor. ” Thence he plunged into his argument, hurling the bitterest invectives against certain measures, but making no reference to his revolvers. He spoke for nearly two hours amid the profoundest silence.— St. Louis Republican.

“Catching a Guy on a Glib Fake.”

Several seedy-looking men were standing about in an auction room on South Clark street. The auctioneer was rattling away in that glib monotone which grates so harshly upon the ears. These men were not looking' at the auctioneer’s wares, nor even paving attention to his rigmarole. They were gazing out of the door. Soon a countryman entered, and then a change came upon the scene. Every man began to look at the goods as if he were bent on purchasing. “What does this job pay you?” inquired a reporter of one of the seedy-looking stool-pigeons. “Nothin’ but our grub,” he said, sadly; “business ain’t what it used to be. I’ve seen the time when a man could get his grub, four beers a day, and a quarter to boot for standin’ round one o’ these shops all day. Now it’s nothin’ but a free lunch grab twice a day. Times is hard, stranger.” —Chicago Herald.

More Important Business on Hand.

Nurse (to fashionable mother) —The baby is very restless, ma’am. I can’t do anything with her. F. M. —She’s teething, I suppose? N. —Yes’m. I think if you was to take her in your arms a little while it might soothe her. F..M. —I? Impossible. I haven’t the time to spare. lam just making ready to attend a meeting of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. Give baby some paregoric.

Candor!

Mistress (catcliing the butler helping himself to a glass of “34” port)— “James! —I’m surprised " Mr. James —So am I, mu’m! I thought you was out!”

HUMOR.

How quickly two quarts of scandal will expand into a peck of trouble! — Barbers’ Gazette. No, “Anxious Inquirer;” the feats of calculation performed by some of our bookkeepers do not come under tbe head of ledger-demain.— Merchant Traveler. What is the difference between ascending pyrotechnics and a drunkard’s mouth? One is a sky-rocket and the other is a rye-socket.— Newman Independent. There is more joy in the sanctum of the editor for the one bore who is kicked, than there is for the ninety and nine who cometh not in contact with a boot prow.— Whitehall Times. It is stated that Lord Tennyson never reads amateur poetry. We are therefore led to conclude that he sends bis later poems to the printer without reading them over.— Texas Siftings. “Earth has no rasre like love to hatred turned, And hell no fury iike a woman ” when she finds that her husband has locked up his favorite razor, and left her to cut her corns with a pair of scissors.—Fall River Advance. Of all the distractions under the sun that perplex a man to baldness, nothing is more rasping than this thing of getting tangled up in a patent medicine advertisement that starts out with as much fascination as spearing fish by moonlight.— Chicago Ledger. Jones —Good morning, Johnson. How are you feeling now? Johnson— Mornin’. Oh, I feel better this morning. Just had a Turkish hath: first one I ever took. Good things they are, I guess. Jones—Yes, soap is good; you ought to have tried it before.—Brooklyn Times. THE ATTRACTION THAT WAS THERE. "You’ve come from the rink,” said the maiden fair To the youth who was on her waiting; “Pray tell me what's the attraction there To-night—ls it fancy skating?” He rubbed his spine and his face betrayed His bosom’s agitation; "The same old attraction is there,” he said, “The attraction of gravitation.” — Boston Courier. »

“Pat, did you say you had worked for Father Donovan ?” “Oi did, sur!” “And did he approve what you did lor him?” “He niver said a word agin it, sur!” “That’s saying a good deal, for Father Donovan w’asn’t the man to be silent in the presence of anything tha£ met his disapproval. What was the nature of the work you did for him ?” “An’ it plaze ye, Oi was sixton of Kilrain Church an’ Oi dug his grave.”— Yonkers Gazette. Among the Persians, if a man is caught stealing the second time his hands are cut off. This punishment, we should think, would be more effective in reducing the number of pickpockets than ten years’ imprisonment. Very few criminals learn to pick pockets with their feet. The punishment for the third conviction in Persia is not stated, but we suspect his head is cut off. That would cure him.-—Norris-town Herald. “No, mam; she don’ coine to our house no mo’.” “Pshaw! chile; you don’ tell me! How does dat come?” “Well, jes’ bekase she’s got too proud an’ stuck-up to mix wid common folks now days any mo’.” “Proud! Oh, good Lawd! What dat sleepy hussy got to be proud wid, I like to know ?” “Why, bless yo’ sweet soul, honey, she’s ma’d a sleepin’ ca’ po’tah, an’ I reckon she has m’lasses on de table ebry day now.” —Chicago Ledger. “I hear you’ve been writing another play, Bliffkins.” “That’s about the size of it, Doctor.” “What's the trash like?” “Well, I tackled a tragedy this time.” “A tragedy, eh? You’re a bigger fool than I thought you were. Do you suppose that anything in that line from you will be likely to equal those already produced?” “Really, Doctor, our work will not be likely to conflict. My tragedy will be bound in paper, while yours are always done up in mahogany and rosewood.” —Detroit Journal.

THE STANDARD JOKE (?) ALPHABET. rFor Funny Men.] A s the green Apple that hills little boys; B is the Barber and Boarding-house joys; C’s the spring Chicken and Clam in the Chowder; D is the Dude and the Dynamite powder; E is the Editor killing a poet; Fis the Foot, as Chicago girls show it; G’s empty Gun, Goat, and Gas-meter utter; H is the Hash and the Hair in the butter : I is the Ice-man, of course, and Ice-cream; J is the Jersey mosquito supreme; K is the Kick of a mule when he's mad; L is the Lover that’s bounced by the dad; M is May Moving and Mother-in-law; N’s the Niagara hackman's big maw-, O’s the One Oyster in church stews so thin; P’s Picnic, Plumber, pie. Poet, and Pin; Q is the Question that’s popped by us all; R is the Roller Rink—newest of all; S is the Stovepipe, and Shortcake so murky; T is the Tramp and the Thanksgiving Turkey; U’s the Umbrella, that’s Used-up and lent; V is the Verses to newspapers sent; W is the Waterme on immense; X is the small Easter bonnet’s ’Xpense; Y is the leap-Year. that tickles men folks; Z is the Zany who “chestnuts” these jokes. — H. C. Lodge.

The Mastery of a Language.

The real colloquial acquisition of any foreign tongue is stated by Dr. Walshe, in a recent work on the linguistic faculty, to be extremely rare’ He thinks it next to impossible for a man to learn his own and even one other language so as to speak both of them with a proper intonation, inflection, vocal ring, pronunciation, accent, and fluency so well as to be able to translate from either language into the other with correct phraseology, word collocation, and idiom an epigrammatic article on the topics of the day and a serious disquisition on a problem of art or literature. Apart from the mental qualifications which must be united in one individual to enable him to readily master a foreign tongue, there are many of a physical character which evidently can be but very rarely overcome. A gbeat many people prefer a second glass to a second thought.