Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 22, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 June 1885 — MRS. HACKEMUP ORDERS A JERSEY. [ARTICLE]

MRS. HACKEMUP ORDERS A JERSEY.

BY NEMO.

All things taken into consideration, matrimony liad not .proved to be the elyaium which Mrs. Hackemup’s virgin fancy had fondly painted, when, as the youthful (?) and unsophisticated maiden, Juliana Keziah Skiggs, she had harkened to the honeyed eloquence of the magniloquent Dr. Peter Columbus Hackemup. Various discrepancies between the Doctor as a lover and the Doctor as a husband had jarred terribly upon her delicately sensitive organization, while the unfilial conduct of her children, Belinda and Harry, drove the iron more deeply into her tender soul. Although in her bearing toward them she was a personification, to quote her own language, of “Patience on a money meant perspiring with grief,” still their existing relations were at best a sort of armed neutrality, while, for the most part, Belinda saucily carried a figurative chip on her straight young shoulders for Mrs. Hackemup’s express delectation, indicating by her manner a decided noli me tang ere which that lady dared not defy. It was not strange, therefore, that Mrs. Hackemup, although greatly chagrined at Belinda’s blindness in eloping with John Heron, the high-minded and industrious, but comparatively poor, mechanic, when Greenberry Gordy’s plethoric money bags and mummified self were at her disposal, was nevertheless relieved to be rid of her stepdaughter at whatever cost.

Dr. Hackemup* whose imagination had reveled in visions of Greenberry’s gold, overcome by the blighting disappointment, yielded himself for a time <to despair. It was then that Harry, hitherto a “thorn in the flesh” in the ingenuity with which he devised •schemes for tormenting his step-moth-er, with the natural chivalry (?) of the average American boy, came to the rescue. Constituting himself her escort and protec tor on all occasions, his delicate attentions to Mrs. Hackemup were •touching in the extreme, manifesting a •consideration and thoughtfulness as gratifying as unexpected to the recipient. Boiler-skating being all the rage in Hawkinsville, he accompanied her to the rink, and, not content with this, insisted upon teaching her to skate. If Mrs. Hackemup on terra firma was not to the fastidious eye a thing of beauty, on roller-skates she was fearful and wonderful to behold. Blissfully unconscious that the smiles which always greeted her appearance were excited by aught but admiration, she persevered, undaunted by falls and bruises, returning home each evening with a glowing account of her success to Dr. Hackemup. That dejected gentleman interposed no objection to this amusement. The rink was a fruitful < eourco of revenue to him, and when-

ever the subject was mentioned kaleidoscopic visions of crushed skulls and broken limbs, which he would be called upon to repair, floated with delightful certainty upon his fancy, redering him, in consequence, most amiably disposed. “Come imrer to the fire,” said he, blandly, to Mrs. Hackemup and Harry, as they entered his office upon returning from the rink one cold night in April. “Have you not noticed ah, that as you approach the caloric radiator, you become ah, much warmer than if you keep at a distance lrom it? Did you observe,” to his wife, “that, after falling with force, you arose somewhat ah, bruised? Do I progneso your sensations correctly ?” “ Yes,” assented Juliana Keziah, somewhat doubtfully; “ although my nose wasn’t as much affected as my cheeks. There was something in the air which made the chaps annoy me dreadfully. I never was worried' that way before. No matter how much my face was exposed, I never was pestered with chaps. ” “I should opine not, indeed, madam,” roared the disgusted Doctor, his transient amiability quickly disappearing before the lucid utterances of his guileless spouse. The majority of the patrons of the rink having been reduced to the condition of helpless crippless, the manager wisely concluded to depart for fresh fields and pastures new, announcing a grand race en costume, free to all, for the closing evening. Mrs. Hackemup and Harry were delighted at the prospect, but carefully concealed from the Doctor tlieir intention of appearing en costume. Harry, it is true, at first felt some misgivings about this, and advised his step-mother to go simply as a spectator. “Well,” snapped she, with scorn, “you might at least suggest something more opprobrious than a decayed vegetarian, the ‘White Maid of Avenue,’ for instance.” “Which avenue,” said Harry, innocently; “the Fourth or the Fifth?” “I shall recommend a thorough course of standard friction for you, Harry,” replied the lady, severely. “If you were at all weli read, you would know that I refer to the heroine of Scott’s beautiful pome, ‘ The Mormon.’ But,” animatedly, “as I have always been an advocate for women’s righteousness, I shall openly proclaim my sententions by appearing in the Boomerang costume. Don’t stare so, Harry. I suppose you know what I refer to—short dress, Turkey pants, and a stove-pipe liat. It will be uneekqu without being ooter, and,” pensively, “I think it will become me. As one of my old sparkers used to remark, ‘lt's not your face alone, Miss Juliana Keziah, which detracts, but your flggur.’ ” Absorbed in the preparation of her costume, the intervening days sped rapidly by. “I will be Moloch of all I survey,” remarked Mrs. Hackemup, the night of the race, as, arrayed in the Boomerang costume, she triumphantly surveyed her reflection in the mirror. “Ye gods and little fishes,” wliat a sight was before her partial eyes! Turning away, with a lingering glance, she enveloped her charms in a gossamer; and creeping cautiously past Dr. Hackemup’s office-door, Joined Harry, who was impatiently awaiting her in the yard. “Hurry,” cried he, “or we will get there too late to start in the race. ” No time was lost in reaching the rink or in donning the skates. The race was about to begin. Mrs. Hackemup and Harry hurriedly took their places. Crash went the music! Off went the skaters, Juliana Keziah, tightly clasping Harry’s hand, among the foremost, her stove-pipe hat. which in Quaker style she retained upon her head, towering aloft like the leaning tower of Pisa. Greatly excited, she had completed the tour of the hall, and was flying around the second time, when, happening to glance toward the spectators, who occupied seats at the side, she met the horrified eyes of her husband, whom she had supposed at home, fixed upon her.

Harry, too, had caught sight of his father, and as his costume consisted of that indignant parent’s wedding suit, stuffed with pillows to produce the desired symmetrical fit, a fellow feeling impelled him and his step-mother to court seclusion. With one impulse they turned and fled into the crowd. Tempestuous confusion ensued! An immensely fat woman receiving Harry’s head full tilt against the pit of her stomach, shut up like a jack-knife, and fell with terrific force upon the padded form of her assailant, nearly crushing him flat. As Harry’s hand was still tightly clutched by Juliana Keziah, she, naturally and involuntarily, made a third in the picturesque group, falling on her back with a thud that sent her hat flying in the hir, and kicking so vigorously that several others, unable to get out of the way, were bowled down like ten-pins, and added their quota to the floundering mass of humanity. As soon as possible quiet was restored. Those who could arose, others were helped up; but Juliana Keziah lay motionless and gasping, her face purple. Dr. Hackemup, whose services as ministering angel had been wildly called for, bent over her, a faint hope rising in his breast that apoplexy might save him from committing murder. One look into that open mouth was enough. “She has swallowed her teeth,” he shouted, too excited to be pompous. “Bring the stomach pump.” 'While Harry, his noble proportions

considerably flattened, ran to the office ; for this instrument, Juliana Keziah, still j gasping, was raised to a sitting position. Dr. Hackemup, with a 6avage glance, ' bestowed upon her back a vicious whack. It was given con amore, ostensibly to alleviate the sufferings of ; his distressed spouse, perhaps as a vent j to his own overcharged feelings, and with due effect. The four teeth which ' had lodged in Mrs. Hackemup’s throat j flew half way across the hall, while the j relieved woman bore witness to the es- i j ficacy of the Doctor’s treatment by imj mediately screeching at the top of her lungs. liuthlessly silencing this soul-reach-ing music, Dr. Hackemup dragged the musician out of the hall, and unbottled his wrath. “Your attire is disgraceful, madam,” roared he, “and you sirrah,” to Harry, who appeared this moment with the stomach pump, “will gaze upon to-mor-row’s setting sun from the windows of a boarding-school. Such a fiasco, madam,” grinding his teeth, “I never beheld.” Juliana Keziah, stalking forlornly beside her irate lord, sniffed resentfully: “As to fee askers, what could be more opprobrious to a doctor?” “Silence,” thundered Doctor H., “and listen to my dictum. The Society for the Belief of Indigent Spinsters applied to me this morning for a suitable building. After ensconcing you, impertinent, ungrateful offspring, at school, I shall rent this dwelling (they having reached his house) for that purpose. You and I,” sardonically to his spouse, “will retire from the world to our farm on Small pox Creek. Juliana Keziah shrieked with horror. “I will not be immured in those salivian glades for all the indignant spinsters living. That hut, Peter Columbus,consists of a few small rooms and a cuticary department. I will not even considerate the plan, unless you consent to have the necessitous conditions built to the main part of the house, surmounting the whole with a Queen Anne curculio, or • a gopher conservatory, either of which would be most opprobious for a country seat.” Doctor Hackemup, however, was deaf to all persuasion. Harry started for school the next day rather surprised at his own good luck, with his stepmother’s parting words echoing in his ears. “It’s an ill wind that blows everybody good. You will see, Harry, that your father is taking a fore paw in this farming business, and that, like too many others, he will save with the bigots and leak with the bunkos; I prognosticate that before long he will come out at the little end of the hornet.” Unheeding his wife’s entreaties and doleful predictions, Dr. Hackemup removed at once to his farm, immediately thereafter offering his professional services to the country people in a huge poster, which he placed in the neighboring store and postoffice combined. Mrs. Hackemup for a while resigned herself to despair; but perceiving that the doctor was determined, she philosophically resolved to make the best of her sojourn in the country, by interesting herself in the management of the farm. Dr. Hackemup’s opinion of his own wisdom was only equaled by his utter contempt for her judgment on the subject. Therefore, the disputes between the self-sufficient medico and his wife were so frequent and violent that their connubial infelicity passed into a proverb, and quite threw into the shade the classic legend of the “cats and dogs.” Dr. Hackemup being frequently absent in attendance upon his professional duties, Mrs. H. was often alone, save for the servants, from whom she held herself loftily aloof, except when instructing them in choice vocabulary as to their duties. One afternoon in midsummer, as she sat pensively on the veranda, a stranger entered the road gate and approached the house. He carried a small valise, and appeared dusty and fatigued. A peddler, of course, was her conclusion.

Made aware by painful experience of Juliana Keziah’s similarity to Toodles, Dr. Hackemup warned her every day against agents or “Cheap Johns” of any kind, threatening her with direst vengeance should she purchase from one of these “vagrants” so much as a paper of pins. As the stranger neared the porch he removed his hat, bowing with insinuating address and such an admiring glance in her direction that her heart softened at once toward him, while her husband’s parting injunction disappeared from her memory under the influence of his ingratiating smile like dew before the morning sun. “Madam,” began he, “I am exclusive agent for the beautiful Jersey, aptly styled ‘The Ladies’ Pet.’ May I not include you among my list of purchasers?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said Mrs. Hackemup, “that I need anything of the kind in the country. ” “Pardon me, madam,” politely interrupted the stranger, “the country is just the place to show its advantages. It is so lively and frisky, perfect in shape and color.” “I prefer scarlet or blue, ” interposed Juliana Keziah. “Haveyou those colors, with crotchettv buttons ?” The agent looked somewhat mystefied, but after a moment answered, briskly: “Keally, I never have dealt with them except in white and shades of brown, but I can guarantee that while they never butt, they are good for many a pound of butter. Their bags are always large and well filled.” “Oh,” exclaimed his hearer, surprised, “do you throw in one of those

lovely pump-and-dairy bags with the Jersey?” “Of course,” replied the agent, surprised in his turn, “and not only that, but you must consider the calves. They never fail to appear in due season, and, not being of the spindling kind, they are certainly both useful and ornanamental.” Juliana Keziah bridled. “I have no use for nrtiplivsical calves,” said she, “but I should like a Jersey, well braided, without gores.” “The finest breed in the country,” cried the agent enthusiastically. “ Good for show, good for wear; there is no bustle anywhere about them.” “I have heard,” said Mrs. H., “that bustles are decidedly pasha. ” “These are the Simon-pure article. Let me induce you to take one. ' You are not obliged to pay until you receive the Jersey.” “Well,” hesitated the lady, almost persuaded, do you charge?” “Oh, ye will not quarrel about the price. Just sign your name to that order ; you may never have such another opportunity.” Juliana Keziah, overcome by his eloquence, and inwardly rejoicing at her bargain, signed her name to the order. “Now, madam,” said the polite agent, insinuatingly, “would you not like to buy a gentleman Jersey as a companion for your beautiful ‘Ladies' Pet ?’ I have just one left, so gentle and mild.” “Dr. Hackemup,” said Juliana Keziah, spitefully, “doesn’t care at all for dress, nor would anything mild be as opprebious to his style as a cross n “Just the thing!” interrupted the eager seller. “I have a fine Alderney and several crossed with short-horns. How would they suit?” “Well,” said J. K., dubiously, “Old dern sounds rather profane, although,” resentfully, “it is no more desultory than the epitaphs he heaps upon me every day. But, really, I should think horns, however short, would be very inconvenient.” “I assure you they do not poke.” “I hope not, indeed,” answered the lady, tartly. “He is poky enough now about everything except scrimping. But what would you charge for both ?” “Well,” rejoined the agent, thoughtfully, “I’d like to favor you, so if you take the pair, I’ll let you have them for five hundred dollars—two hundred and fifty dollars apiece—and dirt cheap at that. ” “Five hundred dollars!” screamed Juliana Keziah, aghast. “Two hundred and fifty dollars for a Jersey waist!” “No waste about them,” said the agent, sturdily, “good for beef, butter, and milk; as fine a Jersey bull and cow as ever I set eyes upon. You’ve ordered the cow; now do buy the bull!” Juliana Keziah uttered a yell, that would have made the reputation of ar. opera singer. “ Buy what bull ? ” bellowed Dr Hackemup, sudddenly appearing orthe scene in time to catch the agent’s last words and his confiding partner’s howl. “We need no bulls, young man, but you will be squeezed by a bear in a moment if you do not depart at once and with dispatch,” glaring fiercely at the terrified agent, who backed rapidly toward the gate, explaining volubly that the lady’s order for a Jersey cow was in his possession, and that he would forward the animal as soon as possible, with a lawyer to collect the bill. Mrs. Hackemup, between anger and fright, intermingled her excuses and lamentations in such delightful confusion that it was sometime before Dr. Hackemup’s desire for an explanation was gratified. When that gentleman, however, fully understood the case his rage knew no bounds. Hopping frantically around the low veranda, as though dancing a jig on red-hot iron, he exhaused the English vocabulary and had recourse to the Latin for contemptuous epithets to heap upon his wildly-weeping spouse. Finally overcome wi-th rage, he bestowed upon her a glance of withering contempt, exclaiming: “The gridiron of St. Lawrence was a downy bed in comparison with the tortures I endure from your idiotic performances. I will instantly and at once procure a writ of lunacy and have you incarcerated for life in an asylum for imbeciles. You will not suffer long,” he continued, with malicious venom; “you already begin to show age, madam.” This heartless allusion to her slightly (?) mature years was the last straw. Even the worm will turn when trod upon. “Peter Columbius,” said Juliana Keziah, sharply, instantly ceasing to weep, “I regret to say you begin to show drink. I think it would be far more opprobrious to remove the bean from your own eye before you begin to distract the mole in mine. The meanness of the male sect is the same the world over, and the unsuspected female who innocuously marries a man, for fear of dying an old maid, simply strangles a gnat and swallows a camel leopard.”