Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 21, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 June 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Some of the married members of Parliament pooh-pooh the dynamiters’ attemps to blow them up. “It is really nothing to w’at we get at ’home,” say these gentlemen.— Ex. Before offering to ring the streetcar bell for a lady to get off look closely at her right hand. If she wears <• diamond ring and you pull the strap she •will be your enemy for life.— Ex. “That’s bad news about Smith.” “What is it?” “He has had a relapse.” “Goodness! Is he sick?” “No, but his mother-in-law has been, and she i? now convalescing.”— Newman Independent. Barkeepers should bear in xnind, says some one, that when a man is loaded he should be fired. That is possibly true, but if the “popular barkeeper” charges him too heavily the chances are that he will “kick.”—Chicago Sun. “I understand you want a coachman,” said a young man, applying at the <Joor of a gentleman’s residence on Michigan avenue. “How much experience have you had?” asked the gentleman. “Three.” “Three what?” “Three elopements.”—Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. “Why do Texas lawyers and legislators always sign petitions to have convicts pardoned.out of the penitentiary ?” “They do it in obedience to the Scripture.” “What Scripture?” “Do unto others as ye would that they should do unto you.”— Texas Siftings. NOT IN VAIN. Ah, pretty, pretty maiden, If on me you deign To look with friendly kindness You’re not maiden vain. And, pretty, pretty maiden, If I might obtain A little moie than friendship, I'm not made in vain. —Current. . Two Arkansaw acquaintances. 4 “Captain, what Avas the matter with your son when he died?” “Nothing the matter with him when he died except that he Avas dead.” “Pretty sick though before he died, wasn’t he V” “Well, he xvasn’t as peart as he had been.” “Died a natural death, I suppose.” “Yes.” “Whisky?” “Whisky.” Arkansaw Traveler. “I am going to keep a diary; won’t you kindly tell me how to bigin it?”— Lily. Well, to tell you the honest nude truth, Lil, we don’t know much about this matter, but wc have seen several young ladies’ diaries, and they all begin: “Got up at eight o’clock; played the piano one hour; Avent into the kitchen and watched mother cleaning the stove; Avent down to Mabel’s; Mabel is horrid; took a nap after dinner; am tired out; Claude called in the evening; I am so happy, O dear!”— Boston Post. MY CIGARETTE. Ah! my fragrant cizarette, Line you are, and swear, yon bet; Spite ot all your foes may say. You are still my darling gay; (Puff!) My tender cigarette, My fragrant, paper-clad rolette. (Puff!) (Putt!) Cranks may fume and critics fret. You will see them buried yet: Into smoke like you they’ll turn. And, pe reliance, they, too, may burn. (Fuss!) My tiny cigarette, My slender, paper-clad rolette. —Judge. “What a in comprehensible Mirandy’s got to he sene e she went to thur ’cademy,” remarked Mrs. Homespun to her husband. “W’y, -wot’s the gal been doin’ noAv?” asked Daniel. “Doin’!” exclaimed Mrs. Homespun, “Av’y, she said she must go to her room to disrobe, as she wished to retire early. ” “Disrobe and retire,” murmured Daniel, “Avot’s them, ma?” “I duhno,” replied ma; “but she didn’t do nothin’ o’ the sort. She only undressed and went to bed. Did ye ever hear o’ sich p’evarication ?” Judging from the groan that came from Daniel it is safe to presume that he never did.— Exchange. THE GROAVL OP A PESSIMIST. The world is growing better every day: This fact is plain, so hopeful people say. It may be, brat the keen observer sees That pepper still is largely made of peas. The pump still aids to swell the milk supply, And “prime old port” we get from logwood dye. The bottom of the strawberry box draws near And nearer to- the top each passing year. The finest apples, cherry cheeked and round Still at the top of apple bar'l’s are found. (Ah, who would dream beholding such a show. So many rotten ones were hid beloAv!) “Pure dairy butter;” much of this, I ween, Is still composed of oleomargarine. The world is growing better, people say— New rogueries are developed every day. The world is as’t has been since it began: Man studies still to cheat his fellow-man. —Boston Courier.