Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 19, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 June 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

With umbrellas, like men, it is generally the poorest that gets left. Board ing-hocse keeper—“ Why, how deftly you carve the beef, Mr. Smith. You must bean adept.” Smith (with a grant of exertion) —“Yes’m, I am; I’m a wood-carver by trade. ” “He tried to kiss me and I just told him to behave,” said an irate young lady after a sleigh-ride. “Well, did he kiss you?” asked her friend. “No, the idiot; he behaved.”— Exchange. “I’M terribly doAvn in the mouth,” said young Slimlet. “I don’t see anything to warrant a belief that you could get down in the mouth, with such an apology for a mustache as yon wear,” retorted Miss Cute. —Boston Times. “Did you enjoy the party, Emma?” “Ever so much, mamma. ” “I hope you were a good little girl and listened to what was said to you?” “I did, mamma. I listened all the evening to one person talk.” “Who was talking?” “I was.” He comes in with stride, And the door opens wide. And leaves it where open he throws it, And make us look glummer '1 han we did in the summer, AVhen he always was careful to close it. —Boston Courier. A traveler through Arabia writes that when a Bedouin is asked to drink his answer would frequently be, “No, thanks; I drank yesterday.” In this country the answer usually is, “Well, I’ve been at it all the morning, but I guess I can stand another.” In the year 2400, Joseph Cook says, the population of this country will be 3,200,000,000. Those of our readers who contemplate going to the circus that year will do well to purchase tickets at the down-town office and avoid the rush at the "wagon.—Exchange.

a legal oath. “Do you,” said Bessie, t’other day, “In earnest love me, as you say. Or are those te der words applied Alike to fifty girls besideV ” “Dear, cruel girl,” cried I, “forbear. For by those eyes, those lips, I swear ” She stopped me as the oath 1 took. And cried, "You've sworn—now kiss the book.” —Umaha liepuuiican. “Were there many out last night?” asked Mrs. Crimsonbeak of her husband the morning after a public rehearsal of the Pliilaccordion Society. “Yes, I should judge so,” replied Crimsonbeak, dwelling on the rows of empty seats at the concert; “there didn’t seem to be many in.” —Yonkers Statesman. In Rome in ancient times the candidates for office wore white robes, and could be seen before daybreak on election day mingling with the voters proclaiming their political principles. The fact that they wore Avliite robes would seem to indicate that the newspapers didn’t “throw mud” in those days.— Norristown Herald.

“Of the seven newspaper men who reported Webster’s famous address at the laying of the corner-stone of Bunker Hill • monument, Edward Everett Hale is said to be the only one now living.” As Mr. Hale was only 3 years old when Webster delivered his sp>eecli, his reportorial work on that occasion may be set down as a phenomenal journalistic feat. —Atlanta Constitution.

The man who does the funny business for a humorous paper was out calling one night, and said something to the girl which made her laugh. “Why, Mr. Johnson, how funny you are!” she exclaimed. “I ought to be, Miss Tomkins,” he answered; *1 make my living by being funny.” “Well, I I don’t like it,” she continued, suddenly looking dissatisfied. “No? Why not?” he inquired, somewhat surprised. “Because, Mr. Johnson, I hate to hear people talk shop. ” Johnson has since reserved all his funny ideas for his paper. —Merchant Traveler. Patent-medicine Vender—“Did you ever try my infallible preventive for coughs and colds?” Stranger—“No, sir. I never tried it myself, but a friend of mine did.” P. M. V.—“ Yes? and how did it work ?” Stranger—“ Beautifully. He took two bottles of it just before the cold weather set in, and he didn’t have a cold or a cough the whole winter.” P. M. V.—“ That’s the way it always works. There’s nothing like it; nothing like it, sir.” Stranger—- “ Always works that way, eh ? I’m sorry to hear that. My friend, you know, died five minutes after finishing the second bottle.” —Boston Transcript.

BOLLEB SKATES. One more unfortunate, Trusting the fates, Rashly Importunate, Tried on the skates. Pick her up tenderly, Loosen the straps. Fashioned so slenderly, Unused to mishaps. O, it was sitiful TJJiat she should flop Where a whole city full Must see her drop. Pick her up tenderly, Smooth out her dress, Fashioned so slenderly, Made to caress. Out she struck trustfully. Skating galore. Down she came bustfully On the harcWioor. Pick her up tenderly, So good and so true, Fashioned so slenderly, What could she do? Bumping inhumanly. Jolting the men. She is pure womanly, And tries it aga Pick her up teudei y, What does she cure? Fashioned so benderly, Flump and so fair. —Merchant Traveler.

Two baw Highlanders, Donald and Dugald, are walking along a street in St. Mungo, when they come to a water-cart. “Hi!” snouts Dugald to the driver, “hi! you are losing all your water 1” Then Donald comes in. “Oh, Dugald, Dugald, dinna show your ignorance. The water is meant to keep bovs from riding on the back of tho cart.” In Denmark hotels the rooms have no locks.