Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 14, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 May 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Ode to the mince-pie—a night-mare. A legislator is a pow-wowerfu] TTIftTIA successful chiropodist is a corncuring hero. Lawyers like long fees and brief employment. “Ah ! these enchain my fancy,” remarked the prisoner, as the Sheriff put him in the chain gang.— Pretzel's lyMotheb, Is my chiqnon perfect? Shape my paniers, fix my sa->h; Johnny’s coming in the gloaming. And I want to make a mash. —Chicago Sun. “He laughs best who laughs last.” Therefore the man who catches onto a joke after everybody else has got through laughing over it is the best man,— Boston Transcript. An exchange says: “Nearly all the newspapers upfiold the skat ng rink.” Observation shows that the skaters need more upholding than the rink—especially the amateurs. —Norristown Herald.

When Bacon remarked to “Queen Bess”. that she didn’t know her own mind, what made the utterance particularly nutritious? Because it would have been rash enough in any one, but was a little rasher of Bacon.— Yonkers Gazette. She’s a blonde, and has long drooping lashes. And no skater more graceful nor rastfis, As around like a meteor she flashes; And she prates in the ear Of a friend very dear; "Say Kate! I've made seventeen mashes.” —Norristown Herald. You would hardly notice the similarity between them, and yet the only difference between a little bird and a w.ard politician just before election time is that the little bird pipes his lays while the politician lays his pipes.— Somerville Journal. THE SKATER’S CONJUGATION. I skate, thou skatest, he skates; I fall, thou tallest, he falls; I hate, thou hatest, lie hates To hear a girl laugh—how it galls! I strap, thou strappest, he straps; I swear, thou swearest, he swears; I snap, thou snappest, he snaps Suspenders, and every one stares. —New York Journal “No,” she said, positively, “I cannot marry you. Do not ask me why, but go. ” “I must ask you why,” be pleaded. “I am a street-car driver at 14 shillings a day, and can offer you a luxurious home. Think twice before you ruthlessly cast aside a' warm heart like mine. “Yonr fortune is ample and your heart is warm, no doubt,” she replied, still unmoved; “but as you are a streetcar driver I shudder when I think how cold your feet must be.” — New York Times.

OF COURSE IT IS. It’s better to laugh than be crying; It’s better to give than to take; It's better to live than be dying, And bread is much better than cake. It’s better to love than be fighting; It’s belter to lose than to win; It’s better to read than be writing. And women are better than men. It's better to go than to tarry; It’s better to smile than to pout; But whether it's better to marry Or not I would like to find out. — H. C. Dodge, in Chicago Sun. Speaking of mathematical jokes, some years ago I was witness to a curious wager between Charles Backus and Joseph Murphy, the comedians. The latter had told a story, which I do not remember, illustrated by the curious action of a number of wooden toothpicks peculiarly arranged and set on tire. “Show me that again,” said Backus, “and 11l bet a bottle of wine I can travel free to San Francisco by just telling that story to the conductors cn the way.” “Done !" exclaimed Murphy, and the two men of the profession who are popularly supposed never to have spent a penny for wine shook hands to bind the wager. Backus lost it. I asked him the circumstances. “Why,” he exclaimed, “Murphy had just worked his way over the roads by showing it to them; and every one I spoke to about it said: ‘Chestnut.’ I consider that Murphy took undue advantage of an innocent man.” When I repeated this to Murphy he maintained that he had learned the trick from a conductor, and added: “There’s nothing Charley Backus can teach them fellers. ” A MODERN SELKIRK. I’m monarch of all I survey. My right there is none to dispute, Skatorial artist au fait, In my plum-colored velveteen suit The darlings they cannot escape The glance of my all-searching eye; The creatures are struck on my shape. Their fingers I squeeze on the sly, No longer the man who has brains Can overwhelm me with defeat; Poor fool! for the sake of his pains He’s crowded upon a back seat. At polo I’m very distingue, As "Kusher” I'm not very lame; Hove to jump into the ring And capture the girls as my ganm. A sweet little daisy in blue Hangs onto my arm every night, ■While her mamma with motherly view. Enraptured looks upon the sight. Ha! ha! they all think I am meek. And haven’t a brain in my head; Inside of a very short vfeek The lass of a plumber 111 wed. At books I am not very tall. But I skate the Dutch roll very neat; At the co ler rink I have the oal'i. For all of my charm’s in my feet. Tra la la! I must bid you adieu. My charmer is waiting to whirl. The sweet little daisy in blue, The plumber’s chic heiress, a pearl —Whitehall Times.

M. Pasteur thinks that bisulphide of carbon ■will become the most useful of all antiseptics, as it is the okeapest, since it oosts only a fraction of a penny per pound. It is also the best insecticide known. Over 8,000,000 pounds are annually used to check the ravages of phylloxera. As first produced, carbon bisulphide is a very foul-smelling compound, but can be purified until it is pure enough in odor to mix with a perfume. It may be found effective in preventing such diseases as yellows in peach and other trees. A Vermonter claims to have a hen 39 years old.