Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 9, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 March 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A bad jury in a lawsuit—perjury. The latest returns—husband getting home from the club. Cold is itself a great contractor, but anybody can contract a cold. A man is called a confirmed liar when nothing that he says is confirmed. A Croton milkman is named Kalliko. He makes a first-class morning rapper. The earliest “stable government ” was that of the Roman Emperor who made his horse a consul. The difference between a flute-player and a bar-tender is that one blows the notes and the other knows the bloats. “My son, why is it that you are always behind with yourjstudies?” “Because, if I was not behind them, I could not pursue them. ” A prominent lumberman has had his coat-of-arms painted on the panels of his carriage, with the Latin motto “Vid ,” which by interpretation is “I saw.” A Swedish scientist claims to have discovered a method of extracting alcohol from sea water. As Shakspeare says, he intends to call spirits from the vasty deep. When a young couple west of the Rocky Mountains run away and get married, the sporting journalist alludes to it in big head-line letters as “the Pacific slope.” Some one says: “No thoroughly occupied man was ever miserable. ” We don’t know about that. A flea up the trousers-leg can keep a man very busy and very miserable. Dr. Richardson, of England, says that when the air is dryest the drinker craves alcohol the most.” This may be the case in England, but in this country it ;is when the drinker is dryest that he craves alcohol the most. “Who is that man applauding so v®ciferously near the front?” asked a friend of a theatrical manager on the first production ot' a play in an uptown theater. “That long-haired man with a light-colored coat?” “Yes.” “He—he’s the author of the play.”— New York Commercial Advertiser. “ Papa, dear,” lisped a Sewickley belle, “do you know there is one place in an Eastern State that I am constantly envying ?” “And what attractive spot is that, my daughter?” “It's Elizabeth,” responded the ingenious maiden. “Explain yourself, my child. My Greek education was sadly neglected.” “Well, papa, Elizabeth ought to be happy, for it’s in a New Jersey all the time.” Ere another dawn this damsel had her garment and the old man had the bill.— Exchange. Dr. Logan, of Houston, being at the ho se of Judge Cummings, asked the latter’s little boy; “Don’t you want to sea the elephant in the circus that has so much in telligence ? He can draw the cork out of a bottle, put the neck of it in his mouth, and empty it down his throat.” “If that is all he cando I don’t care to see him. My pa can do that. I’ve seen him do it more than a dozen times when he went out fishing.” It may be remarked incidentally that the room was full of company and Judge Cummings himself was present, and listened to the childish prattle of his little boy.— Texas Siftings. Jones—“lt is too bad. I believe I was born on an unlucky day.” Smith “Why so?” “Here I am a mere nobody, and yet the man I made sits today in the halls of Congress, and he don’t acknowledge his debt, either.” “That is strange. To whom are you referring?” “To Col. Blank.” “But he owes all his political success to his brilliant war record.” “Yes; but if it had not been for me he would not have any war record. ” “How so?” “I was drafted, and sent him to the war as my substitute. ” — Philadelphia Call. LOVE MAKING IN THE MEDIAEVAL AGE. “Ay!,by my halidom! I’faith! Gadzooks!— (This Is the sort of thing we read in books Of Knights like me)—l love thee, fairest coz: Pledge me thy troth. To-morrow ro the wars I go. Give, for my helmet’s oriflamme, my love, A dainty number eight, thy fairy glove.” LOVE MAKING IN THE GRECIAN AGE. “Here, on this altar, by the gods I swear, By all my father's bones, by thy black hair. By fair Diana, Venus, Hebe, Juno— The usual oath, in short—the rest of ’t you know " “Yes, yes, I know —d'ye want your dinner burned? Those hearts are , nearly done, and must be tnrnd!" LOVE MAKING IN THE AGE. “This inner Thusness, which consumes me quite— 4 Ah, do not mock my words, nor deem me tight— This all-pervading Whichness, humbly felt, As though an aching void lay ’neathmy belt “ “Seraphic sweet!—to love is but to know you! Woulds’t thou be spliced? Thou woulds’t? All right—l’ll go you!” LOVE MAKING IN CHINA. “Inner Department of my soul, Nyum-Nyum! Wiit thou be mine, and to my laundry come? Oh, say not no —or else I’ll cuff and collar And make thee stiff with iron—(shirts, per doz. one dollar— See ad. I —You’d better quickly make your mind up, » Or else my swerd your life’s account will wind up.” a Texas Siftings.