Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 9, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 March 1885 — Page 6

I THE WIDOW O’SHANE’S HINT. there! J ar; iturphy, doan think me inI j sane, BKut Tm dyin’ ter tell ye of Widder O'Shane; ■Khe as lives in the attic nixt mine, doan ye !■ know. . ■An’ does the foine washin’ for ould Misther | Bhnow. ■Wid niver a chick nor a child ter track in, ■tier kitchen is always as nate as a pin; ■An’ her cap an’ her apron is always that clane■Qch, a moighty foine gurrul is the Widder O’Shane. ■An' wnd ye belave me, on Sathurdav night ■We heard a tough stip cornin' over our tnght; ■An' Mike. me ould man, he jist hollered to me. Iwajook ont av the door an’ see who it moight be." ■An’ I looked, Mary Murphy, an’ save me if there ■Wasn't Thomas Mahone on the uppermost stair, ■(He's the landlord; ye're seen him ytrself, wid a !■ cane, ■An’ he knocked on the door of the Widder Hi, O’Shane. ■n' I whispered to Michael, “Now, what can it |p y mane ■That his worship is callin'on Widder O'Shane?” ■■Rint day comes a Friday wid us, doan ye see, ■jo I knew that it wasn't collectin’ he'd be. tWIt must be she owes him some money for rint, ■though the neighbors do say that she pays to IQ the cint; ■Yon take care of tire baby, Michael Brady," B F said I, ■ die-” ■The howly saints bliss me! w-hat shudn't I see ■But the Widder O’Shan; sittin’ pourin' the tea; ■ An’ the landlord was there, Misther Thomas I Mahone, ■ A-sittin' one side ov the table alone. ■ An’ he looked at the Widder O’Shane, an' sez he, ■'“lt's a privilege great that ye oiler ter me; ■For I've not once sat down by a fair woman's I I side ■Since I sat down by her that I once called me If bride. ■"An* is it ye’re poor now, Widder O'Shane? ■Ye’re a dacent woman, both tidy and clane; ■ An’ we're both av us here in the wurruld alone ; ■ Wad ye think ov unitin’ wid Thomas Mahone?" ■Then the Widder O'Shane put the tea-kettle E down, ■'An' she says. “Misther Thomas, yer name is a crown; ■I take it most gladly"—an' then me ould man ■Hollered, “Bridget, cum in here, quick as yer ■ can." ■Bo then, Mary Murphy, I riz off that floor, ■An’ run into me attic and bolted the door: ■Wn' 1 sez to me Michael, “Now, isn't it mane? ■She’ll have no rint to pay, will that Widder If O'Shane.” ■—Fbui/i’.s Ovnvpanion.

RIVALRY ON ROLLER SKATES.

BY SARA B. ROSE.

' The Albion rink was crowded with gyoung people. It was tbe night of the ■calico masquerade, and when the Ijnasque was over, the young ladies were Ito have a race for the championship of ■Albion. Every known shape and cosftume which could be formed from caliEco was there represented. Pirates in ■black and red,Undines in green, daisies Bin yellow and white, while one auda-l-cious young fellow represented a barIrel of spirits, his head protruding from | one end of the barrel, with long calico f -streamers depending from it, and his i feet gracefully rolling along beneath. 1 The best two youtag lady skaters, one i of whom was expected to win the race, i were attired in pretty suits of pink calico, with long streamers of pink ribbon floating behind them. They usually skated together, unless ’ it was when Alf Whitman, the brother of the taller of the two, joined them, and, leaving his sister Estelle to skate t by ’herself, acted the part of a devoted : cavalier to pretty Orette Harrington. . As soon as supper was announced the ’masks were lifted, and when it was |jover the young men stood aside to rwitness the race between the young F ladies. None of the girls expected to distance Orette or Estelle, but several | of them laughingly started out to keep j them company. Orette did not care to skate her best, .for she knew that Estelle had set her heart upon the championship, and she cared too little about it herself to wish to offend her friend, who was of a very jealous disposition. She had not thought of other oppo» sition; but, as they turned the first jeorner. Estelle a little in advance, ■Orette was astonished to see a tall, ■lender young lady, in a black velvet Idress, trimmed with old-gold satin, a [black velvet cap upon her curly head, prom which depended a long, ol’d-gold-|colored plume, and with white kid Igloves upon her hands, which reached Inearly to her elbows, shoot ahead of sher riend and proceed to execute a inumber of intricate maneuvers in front *of Estelle, and, in spite of this extra and twisting, the stranger alyways managed to keep in front. Orette knew that this would be very displeasing to Estelle, and by a little j effort she gained her side, only to see pthat provoking stranger waltzing like a ■whirlwind before them. She glanced at Estelle and saw that her eyes were enapping with anger, and her cheeks were flaming with rage. Suddenly the waltzer put on an extra epurt, and in a moment she was half way around the rink ahead of her antagonists, and was apparently intending to pass them again shortly. Orette and Estelle were now the only Albion girls upoq tlqe floor, the others withdrawn to witness the excit- > ing race. Estelle Whitman was a good skater and was very sure upon her feet. She was very angry at the antics of the stranger, and noticing a group of empty •chairs by the side of the rink, she glided to the side of the hall, and as if >by accident, she stumbled over one of .the chairs, sending it sprawling directly in the way of the girl in velvet. Everyone expected to see the stranger waver or perhaps trip over the overturned chair. Not so; a flash of amu.sezment passed over her face, she in•creased her speed, and with the utmost ease she jumped over the obstacle, and a second more darted up to the "judges’ stand, the winner of the race. After the excitement was over, Estelie informed Orette that the straniger's name was Hora Archer, that she iiad come from the village of Camden, Aiear by, and Estelle added, with upiturned nose: “She don’t pay the least {attention to any of the girL, but is all taken up with these half dozen Camden fellows, who, I do believe, brought her here.” ’ Orette laughed a little and took off Jher skates, as the rest of the evening was to be devoted to dancing. She had ■romwed the first dan e to Alf Whitnutn, but when the set formed what wnahar astonwhinant to see him at the Sr d*® o ® witl * Mi “ Flors Estelle, when it

■was finished, “see her lounging in the corners with the young men; and she jumps like a jumping-jack when she balances. Did you notice her, Orette ?” “Hush!” warned Orette; “somebody will hear you!” “Well, I declare! I think I would stand up for her, Orette Harrington, when she is trying her best to get Alf away from you!” Orette blushed at this coarse speech, and was about to move away, when Mr. Whitman and Miss Archer confronted them. “Ah, girls!” said he, “ I wondered where you were hiding your diminished heads. I wanted to present you to the belle of the evening.” Miss Archer cast a languishing glance at Alf, and appeared greatly pleased at this broad compliment; but Estelle frowned, and said in a cutting tone: “I do not wish any introduction to Miss Archer, Mr. Whitman, and I think you might’be a little more careful yourself about your acquaintances,” “Aha! my dear sister. So you are jealous are you ? Do not mind them, Miss Archer; they are beneath your notice. ” “I did not say I did not wish an introduction to Miss Archer,’’said Orette, quietly, although she was feeling much embarrassed. “Thank you,” said Miss Archer, bowing and leaving Mr. Whitman’s arm. “Suppose we take some seats at the other side of the room.” Miss Archer assumed so much of the bearing of a cavalier that Orette, without thinking, almost, that she was a lady, took her arm, and left the brother and sister together. Miss Archer drew some chairs into a cozy little corner, and the two sat down. They chatted a few moments, and then Miss Archer said: “It is a very impudent question that I am about to ask you; but I would like very much to know if yourself and Mr. Whitman are engaged?” “No,” said Orette, smiling. “We are not engaged and never shall be.” “Ah!” hazarded Miss Archer, shaking her head; “that is because you are angry at him now.” “I am not angry,” replied Orette. “He could not anger me by admiring another lady.” “But if you loved him?” persisted the strange girl. “I never loved him,” said Orette, laughing. “You may have him if you want him.” “You have made me very happy,” replied the other, a smile in the dark eyes, then she picked up Orette’s white hand and kissed it, while Orette looked her surprise. Miss Archer deepened it by asking: “Will you dance the next set with me?” “I am engaged for this set,” replied Orette, adding: “Ladies do not dance together much here. ” “Oh, I beg your pardon, I forgot.” and Miss Archer drew on a very sober face. At this moment Orette’s partner claimed her. It was one of the young men from Camden. “You are forgetting yourself,” he said in a warning tone to Miss Archer, as Orette arose to take her place among the dancers. The party was over before Orette and Estelle drifted together again. Estelle was still angry. “What a dreadful evening this has been!” she said, peevishly. “I have lost the championship, and you, my dear, are surely going to lose Alf. He is hanging around her every minute. “ “Never mind,” laughed Orette, “I do not care in the least.” “Oh! It’s well enough to say so, of course; for my part I’m glad the evening is over. ” Hoods and cloaks were now being donned rapidly, and the two girls put on their wraps, and returned to the sit-ting-room. Estelle made a discovery. “Alf,” said she to her brother, in an excited whisper, “that Miss Archer is in the gentlemen’s dressing-room. I heard her talking and laughing in there as loud as any man. I believe she is going away with those Camden fellows. ” “Don’t alarm yourself,” returned her brother, angrily. “Miss Archer gave me permission to see her home my“And Orette and I can take care of ourselves, I suppose,” was her dismayed answer; but, as she looked around for her friend, she saw her leaving that moment with a gay party of young people. Estelle waited, with several others who were in Alf’s confidence, to see him depart with the “belle of the ball,” but they were disappointed. Miss Archer had disappeared, and could not be found anywhere. “Served you right,” was Estelle’s comment. The others said nothing then, but Alf in the next few days was not allowed to forget Miss Archer. The days passed by and the skating in Albion rink was going on merrily one evening, when there was the stir ol an arrival at the door and the six young men from Carnden who had visited them before entered, accompanied by another. This time the nobby skating suit was a little different. It was now white satin with gold trimmings. The white and gold cap contrasted well with the dark curly hair, black eyes, and red cheek of the skater, the indescribable coat of white satin, gold lace and gold buttons fitted , the lithe form to perfection, but instead of a skirt were now worn knee breeches of white satin and gold lace, and gold embroidered white silk stockings, white kid. shoes and gloves finished the costume. The wearer of this costume soon began a series of maneuvers even more intricate those exhibited upon the previous evening. “Miss Archer!” exclaimed Mr. Whitman in delight, and joining the fair skater he attempted to renew his acquaintance. He did not enjoy her company long, however. Miss Archer soon joined Orette Harrington. Orette did not quite approve the oung lady’s costume, but she said poitely: “Good evening, Miss Archer.” The skater laughed aloud, and then asked humbly: “Jun J then so feminine looking that

I am doomed forever to be Miss Archer?” Orette only looked her surprise. “Dear Miss Harrington, will you keep a secret for me ? lam not a lady. My name is Fred Archer. My home is in Washington. Becoming quite an expert upon roller skates, I adopted these flashy costumes to make more of a sensation, and if you do not reveal my secret, I am anticipating quite a flirtation with our mutual friend and lover, Mr. Alf Whitman.” Orette colored a little, but she smiled also, and promised to keep Mr. Archer’s secret for him. From that moment his time was divided impartially between Miss Harrington and Mr. Whitman. Alf became very loverlike, and declared his affection to be excessive. He also 1 oasted to some of the fellows that he had “cut out” Ben Landis from Camden. This was too much for Mr. Landis. He nearly exploded with laughter, and in his merriment the whole joke came out. Alf was nearly paralyzed, but he managed to get away from the rink someway, the shouts of laughter stinging him like the cut of a whip. Next day he called on Orette Harrington and astonished her by making her an offer of his hand. He was refused decidedly. He lost his temper and exclaimed: “That Archer is nothing but a poor low scamp, who has crowded himself upon society by his fancy skating. ” “You did not think of that when you thought he was a lady,” retorted Orette. That was enough; he left her. But after a time that speech gave Alf hope. She was surely jealous or she never would have said that. He was preparing to offer himself again when he heard some news. Orette was engaged to Mr. Archer, who had turned out to be the son of a wealthy Washington gentleman. He bad been visiting his cousin, Ben Landis, where, together with the other young men of Camden, they had planned the joke which had resulted so disastrously for Alf.—Chicago Ledger.

CURIOUS FACTS.

A squirrel can run down a tree head first. The cat and the bear must get down tail first (if left to themselves). The standing armies of Europe aggregate 3,501,971 able-bodied men. The taxes for their support aggregate $495,615,603. While boring an artesian well on the Rosecrans tract, near Los Angeles, the workmen discovered a deposit of conch shells at a depth of 160 feet. A new motor, driven by the explosion of small cartridges of guncotton, has been produced in England, and is said to be applicable wherever small powers are required. A Philadelphian went to a physician with what he feared was a hopeless case of heart disease, but was relieved on finding out that the creaking sound which he had heard at every deep breath was caused by a little pulley on his patent suspenders. Of 4,692,348 persons returned by the census of Germany in 1882 as engaged in agricultural work, 1,230,080, or nearly a million and a quarter, were females. The land of Bismarck still adheres to the old fashion of harnessing women to the cart and the plow. In 1820 two hills of an area of sbout 800 acres, of almost no agricultural value, on the property of Lord Cawdor, in Scotland, were planted with fir and other trees, and after successive thinnings,’the sale of which realized large sums, the remainder of the wood was sold off for £16,000. The sum realized for the wood on this waste land during the fifty years is stated to be equal per acre to the return from the best arable land in the country. It is not a pleasant fact to know, but yet it is a fact, according to Prof. R. A. Proctor, that this earth is to-day as likely to quake and overthrow cities and towns as it has been at any time since man existed. The conditions within the globe which cause the disturbances are changing, but so slowly that there is practically no difference ( between what they were thousands of years ago and what they will be thousands of years hence. Nobody would have cause of surprise, therefore, if the earthquake of Lisbon, in 1755, should presently be repeated. Indeed, it seems possible that great disturbances have recently taken place, not on dry land, but on land that is under the ocean, and that the big wave at New Haven and the shocks in Spain indicate the limits of their extent.

Abraham Lincoln in a Quarrel.

A resident of this city, while recently on a visit to Kentucky, came into pos session of the following correspondence, which has never before been made public. It explains itself: Lawrenceville, Oct. 30, 1840. A. Lincoln, Esq.: Dear. Sir: On our first meeting on Wednesday last a difficulty in words ensued between us, which I deem it my duty to notice further. I think you were the aggressor. Your words imported insult, and whether you meant them as such is for you to say. Y'ou will therefore please inform me on this point, and, if you designed to offend me, please communicate to me your present feelings on the subject,, and whether you persist in the stand you took. Your obedient servant, Wm. S. Andehson. Lawrenceville, Oct. 31, 1840. W. S. Anderson, Esq.: Dear Sir: Your note of yesterday received. In the difficulty between qs of which you speak you say you think I was the aggressor. I do not think I was. You say “my words imported insult.” I meant them as a fair set-off to your own statement, and not otherwise, and in that light alone I now wish you to understand them. Y’ou ask for "my “present feelings on the subject.” I entertain no unkind feelings to you, and none of any sort upon the subject except a sincere regret that I permitted myself to get into such an altercation.

Yours truly,

—Chicago Journal. Thkrb are about 3,000,000,000 cigars need in this country every year.

An Interesting and Instructive Compilation of Presidential Statistics. The Popular and Electorial Votes from George Washington to Grover Cleveland. To speak of minority Presidents in a country where it is said the majority rule may be to some persons mysterious; yet such is the fact, and their inauguration frequently occurs. This is the result of choosing that officer by the electoral vote, which is, perhaps, the best system that could have been devised. By it each State has an equal number—two electoral votes as the Senatorial representation, and one electoral vote for each Representative the State is entitled to in the lower house of Congress; to be chosen in such manner as the Legislature of the State may direct. Though not controlling, this system has an equalizing tendency to the election of President. The same wise provision is provided in the legislative department of our Government. It is one of the great principles of State-rights, without which it is believed this Union of States could not have been formed, unless the small colonies (States) were forced in by the hand of oppression. Soon after the revolutionary war the Continental Congress provided for a convention of delegates from each colony to form a constitution and a union of States. Twelve of the colonies responded—viz., Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Massachusetts, Maryland, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, and Virginia. In this convention were many of the best men in the country. A constitution containing the above provisions was formed. It provided for its ratification and adoption by each State, two-thirds being necessary to form a union. Nine of them having adopted the Constitution, the election of a President became necessary. The Constitution thus formed provided that the electors shall meet in their respective States and vote by ballot for two persons, residents of different States. The person receiving the greatest number of votes, that being a majority of all the votes cast, shall be the President; but should two persons having such majority be equal, then the House of Representatives shall cjjoose one of them for President. If no one has a majority, then from the five highest on the list the House shall choose the President, each State having but one vote. Two-thirds of the States to constitute a quorum for business, but a majority to make the choice. In like manner, the second highest of the persons voted for by the electors to become the Vico President. If not chosen by the electors, then by the Senate. By tho Constitution the twelve States were ontit’ed to 91 electoral votes. When the first e ection was he'd, New York having 8 votes, had not completed her electoral system. North Carolina with 7, and Rhode Island with 3 votes, had not adopted the Cons'itution. There were four vacancies—two in Maryland and two in Virginia—leaving the electoral vote but 69. When counted, George Wallington had received the 69 votes, and was inaugurated President April 30, 1789. The census of 1790 increased the electoral vote to 132. In 1792 Washington was again unanimously chosen President. In 1796 the electoral vote was 139. Of this number John Adams, Federal, received 71, and Thomas Jefferson, Democrat, 68 votes. As some of the States chose their electors by the islatures, and the count being close, we are unable to give correctly the popular expression. It is believed to have been in favor of Jefferson. Be that as it may, Adams was constitutionally elected. South Carolina continued to choose her electors by the Legislature until 1860. In 1800 the electoral vote was 139. Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr, both Democrats, received an equal number—73 electo-al votes. There being no choice by the people, the election went to the House of Representatives. On the thirty-sixth ballot Jeffers was chosen President by the following States, each having one vote: Georgia, Kentucky, Maryland, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Vermont, and Virginia—ten States. That being a majority of all the States, Jefferson was constitutionally elected President. After the tie vote of Jefferson and Burr, it became evident that the like might often occur, and immediate measures were taken to amend this part of the Constitution. By 1804 the twelfth amendment was consummated. It provides that the electoral vote shall be given separately for President and Vice President. No one receiving a majority of that vote, the election to be by the House, as above stated, but to be chosen from the three persons having the highest electoral vote. In 1804 the electoral vote was 176. Thomas Jefferson received 162, and Charles C. Pinckney, Federal, 14 electoral votes. In 1808 the electoral vote was 17G. James Madison, Democrat, received 122; Charles C. Pinckney, Federal, 47; George Clinton, Democrat, 6 electoral votes. In 1812 the electoral vote was 218. Of this number James Madison received 128; DeWitt Clinton, Federal, 89 votes; one seat vacant. I In 1816 the electoral vote 'was 221. James Monroe, Democrat, received 183; Rufus King, Federal, 34 electoral votes; four seats vacant. In 1820 the electoral vote was 235. James Monroe received all but one, that being given to John Q. Adams; three electoral seats vacant. In 1824 the electoral vote was 261. Of this number Andrew Jackson, Democrat, received 99; John Q. Adams, Federalist, 84; William H. Crawford, Democrat, 41; and Henry Clay, Democrat 37. No one receiving a majority of the electoral vote, the contest was again decided by the House of Representatives. The number of States then in the Union was 24. Of this number 18—Connecticut, Illinois, Kentucky,

A. LINCOLN.

OUR CHIEF EXECUTIVES.

Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, Maryland, Missouri, New Hampshire, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, and Vermont—voted for John Q. Adams. The popular vote was: Jackson, 155,872; Adams, 105,351; Crawford, 44,282; Clay, 46,587. Though largely in the minority, Mr. Adams was constitutionally elected. The choice was not satisfactory to the people, and party lines became more closely drawn. In 1828 the electoral vote remained unchanged—26l. Of this number, Andrew Jackson, Democrat, received 178; John Q. Adams, Federalist, 83. The popular vote stood: Jackson, 647,231; Adams, 509,097. In 1832 the electoral vote was 228, and was divided as follows: Andrew Jackson, 219; Henry Clay, Whig, 49; John Floyd, Whig, 11; William Wirt, anti-Mason, 7. The popular vote was: Jackson, 687,502; Clay, 530,189; Floyd and Wirt combined, 23,108. In 1836 the electoral vote was 29k Martin Van Buren, Democrat, received 170; William H. Harrison, Whig, 73; Hugh L. White, Whig, 26; Daniel Webster, Whig, 1; and W. P. Mangum, Whig, 1. Popular vote: Van Buren, 761,549; all others combined, 736,656. In 1840 the electoral vote was 294. Of this number William H. Harrison, Whig, received 234; Martin Van Buren, 60. The popular vote was: Harrison, I, Van Buren, 1,128,702; and J. G. Birney, Abolition, 7,059. In 1844 the electoral vote was decreased to 275. James K. Polk, Democrat, received. 170, and Henry Clay, Whig, 105. The popular vote was: Polk, 1,337,243; Clay, 1,299,068; and Birney, 62,300. In 1848 the electoral vote was 290. Zachary Taylor, Whig, received 163; Lewis Cass, Democrat, 127. The popular vote was: Taylor, 1,360,101; Cass, 1,220,545; aud Martin Van Buren, Free Soil, 291,263. In 1852 the electoral vote was 296. Of this number Franklin Pierce, Democrat, received 254; Scott, Whig, 42. The popular vote was: Pierce, 1,601,474; Scott, 1,386,572; and John P. Hale, Free Soil, 156,149. In 1856 the electoral vote was 296. James Buchanan, Democrat, received 174; John C. Fremont, Republican, 114; and Millard Fillmore, American, 8. The popular vote was: Buchanan, 1,838,169; Fremont, 1,341,261; and Fillmore, 874,534. In 1860 the electoral vote was 303. Of these Abraham Lincoln, Republican, received 180; John C. Breckinridge, Democrat, 172; John Bell, American, 39; and Stephen A. Douglas, Democrat, 12. The popular vote was: Lincoln, 1,866,352; Douglas, 1,375,157; Breckenridge, 845,763; and Bell, 589,591. In 1864 the electoral vote was 314." Eleven States, having 81 electoral votes, did not take part in the election, reducing the electoral vote to 233. Of this number, Abraham Lincoln, Republican, received 212, and George B. McClellan, Democrat, 21. The popu, lar vote stood: Lincoln, 2,216,067; McClellan, 1,808,725. In 1868 the electoral vote was 317. Three States, havi g 23 votes, did not participate in the election, reducing the electoral vote to 294. Of these Ulysses S. Grant, Republican, received 214, and Horatio Seymour, Democrat, 80. The popular vote was: Grant, 3,015,071; Seymour, 2,709.613. In 1872 the electoral vote was 366. Of this number U. S. Grant, Republican, received 286. Votes not counted, 17; the remainder, 63, were cast for T. A. Hendricks, B. G. Brown, C. J. Jenkins, and David Davis, neither of whom was a candidate. The popular vote was: Grant, 3,597,070, and for Greeley, O’Conor, and Brown, Democrats and Liberal Republicans, 2,869,0 95. In 1876 the electoral vote was 369. Of this number 185 were cast for Rutherford B. Hayes, Republican, and 184 for Samuel J. Tilden, Democrat. The popular vote was: Tilden, 4,284,885; Hayes, 4,033,950; Peter Cooper, Greenback, 81,740; and G. C. Smith, Prohibitionist, and scattering, 12,158. In 1880 the electoral vote was 369. James A. Garfield, Republican, received 214, and Winfield S. Hancock, Democrat, 155. The popular vote was: Garfield, 4,449,053; Hancock, 4,442,035; James B. Greenback, and scattering, 319,882. In 1884 the electoral vote was 401. Of this number Grover Cleveland, Democrat, received 219, and James G. Blaine, Republican, 182. The popular vote was: Cleveland, 4,910,975; Blaine, 4,845,022; St. John, Prohibitionist, 151,443; B. F. Butler, Greenback, 133,428.

The Hog Ate Dynamite.

A gentleman remarked: “Talk about dynamite: I can tell you a true story of what nitro-glycerine once did in our State. It was out near Prairie du Chein, where they were blasting a cut on the Prairie du Chein division of the Chicago, Milwaukee & St. Paul Road. The contractor had several kegs of the stuff in an underground place. One day a w orkman went to get some and left the place open; by and by some hogs came along, and one of them slipped into this place where the combustible itself was kept. The hog found a keg open, and as glycerine is tls sweet almost as honey the animal filled himself. He came out by and by and soon wandered into a stable near by belonging to the contractor. The hog got fooling around among tbe horses’ hind legs, when one of them drew off and gave Mr. Hog a good one. The concussion started the business, and not a vestige was ever discovered of the hog, or a single horse, or the stable. And where the stable once stood there was a hole in the earth fifty feet deep and not more than 200 feet in circumference.” There is a gentleman in this city knowing to these facts. — Madison (Wis.) Democrat. The camphor laurel, a native of China, and the tree from which most of the camphor of commerce is obtained, 3eems to have been successfully introduced into California, one tree in Sacramento having attained a height of thirty feet. The wood, every part of which smells strongly of camphor, is light aud durable, not Hable to injury from insects, and much favored by cab-inet-makers.

HUMOR.

A bad jury in a lawsuit—perjury. The latest returns—husband getting home from the club. Cold is itself a great contractor, but anybody can contract a cold. A man is called a confirmed liar when nothing that he says is confirmed. A Croton milkman is named Kalliko. He makes a first-class morning rapper. The earliest “stable government ” was that of the Roman Emperor who made his horse a consul. The difference between a flute-player and a bar-tender is that one blows the notes and the other knows the bloats. “My son, why is it that you are always behind with yourjstudies?” “Because, if I was not behind them, I could not pursue them. ” A prominent lumberman has had his coat-of-arms painted on the panels of his carriage, with the Latin motto “Vid ,” which by interpretation is “I saw.” A Swedish scientist claims to have discovered a method of extracting alcohol from sea water. As Shakspeare says, he intends to call spirits from the vasty deep. When a young couple west of the Rocky Mountains run away and get married, the sporting journalist alludes to it in big head-line letters as “the Pacific slope.” Some one says: “No thoroughly occupied man was ever miserable. ” We don’t know about that. A flea up the trousers-leg can keep a man very busy and very miserable. Dr. Richardson, of England, says that when the air is dryest the drinker craves alcohol the most.” This may be the case in England, but in this country it ;is when the drinker is dryest that he craves alcohol the most. “Who is that man applauding so v®ciferously near the front?” asked a friend of a theatrical manager on the first production ot' a play in an uptown theater. “That long-haired man with a light-colored coat?” “Yes.” “He—he’s the author of the play.”— New York Commercial Advertiser. “ Papa, dear,” lisped a Sewickley belle, “do you know there is one place in an Eastern State that I am constantly envying ?” “And what attractive spot is that, my daughter?” “It's Elizabeth,” responded the ingenious maiden. “Explain yourself, my child. My Greek education was sadly neglected.” “Well, papa, Elizabeth ought to be happy, for it’s in a New Jersey all the time.” Ere another dawn this damsel had her garment and the old man had the bill.— Exchange. Dr. Logan, of Houston, being at the ho se of Judge Cummings, asked the latter’s little boy; “Don’t you want to sea the elephant in the circus that has so much in telligence ? He can draw the cork out of a bottle, put the neck of it in his mouth, and empty it down his throat.” “If that is all he cando I don’t care to see him. My pa can do that. I’ve seen him do it more than a dozen times when he went out fishing.” It may be remarked incidentally that the room was full of company and Judge Cummings himself was present, and listened to the childish prattle of his little boy.— Texas Siftings. Jones—“lt is too bad. I believe I was born on an unlucky day.” Smith “Why so?” “Here I am a mere nobody, and yet the man I made sits today in the halls of Congress, and he don’t acknowledge his debt, either.” “That is strange. To whom are you referring?” “To Col. Blank.” “But he owes all his political success to his brilliant war record.” “Yes; but if it had not been for me he would not have any war record. ” “How so?” “I was drafted, and sent him to the war as my substitute. ” — Philadelphia Call. LOVE MAKING IN THE MEDIAEVAL AGE. “Ay!,by my halidom! I’faith! Gadzooks!— (This Is the sort of thing we read in books Of Knights like me)—l love thee, fairest coz: Pledge me thy troth. To-morrow ro the wars I go. Give, for my helmet’s oriflamme, my love, A dainty number eight, thy fairy glove.” LOVE MAKING IN THE GRECIAN AGE. “Here, on this altar, by the gods I swear, By all my father's bones, by thy black hair. By fair Diana, Venus, Hebe, Juno— The usual oath, in short—the rest of ’t you know " “Yes, yes, I know —d'ye want your dinner burned? Those hearts are , nearly done, and must be tnrnd!" LOVE MAKING IN THE AGE. “This inner Thusness, which consumes me quite— 4 Ah, do not mock my words, nor deem me tight— This all-pervading Whichness, humbly felt, As though an aching void lay ’neathmy belt “ “Seraphic sweet!—to love is but to know you! Woulds’t thou be spliced? Thou woulds’t? All right—l’ll go you!” LOVE MAKING IN CHINA. “Inner Department of my soul, Nyum-Nyum! Wiit thou be mine, and to my laundry come? Oh, say not no —or else I’ll cuff and collar And make thee stiff with iron—(shirts, per doz. one dollar— See ad. I —You’d better quickly make your mind up, » Or else my swerd your life’s account will wind up.” a Texas Siftings.

Bench and Bar.

Stories on Edgar Johnson, the lawyer, are collecting. On one occasion he and another lawyer had a consultation with a Judge, and after hearing a part of the case the Judge offered a suggestion. “We are agreed on that,” said both of them. The Judge offered another. “We are agreed on that,” they sang out again. The Judge came up with another. “We are agreed on that.” Then the Judge hit upon a point that was particularly twisted, and, after puzzling over it, he said: “Well, I don’t seem to have any sense at all.” “We are agreed on that,” blurted out Edgar, and paid for the drinks. The next one is on Mr. Johnson. He was arguing a case before Judge Storer, and there arose some interruptions, and the talking became general. “There’s too much talking in the court-room,” said the Court, warningly and with irritation. “I haven’t been saying anything, your Honor,” replied Edgar, taking tbe censure to himself. “I beg your pardon, Mr. Johnson,” responded the Judge, politely, “but‘l have oeen aware of that fact for the lost hour or more.*” The argument closed shortly after.— Merchant Traveler.