Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 5, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 February 1885 — Page 6

BUBAL FELICITY. BY H. 8. KELLKB. i The chestnuts they axe mapping On the rosy-tinted fender; The maid is In the cellar, Where her papa he did send her 1 Te draw a muz of cider, To bring some golden pippins. j Some doughnuts and some ginger enapi To fill the eve as chip-ins. ‘ The hired man is greasing His kipskins wit fa the tallow. The while he smears some taffy O’er the butter-maker callow: The little boy is pinching Poor pussy's tail in antic; The gratiddame she is trying To thread a needle frantic. The horses they are rubbing Their noses 'gainst the manger; The cock is soitly cautioning His wives against the stranger; The shadows.on the hillside Are turning into black; The young folks they are hurrying From candy frolic back. I The watchdog he is barking At the moon above the manle; The tramp is softly drawing The lock onto the staple; The water wheel is silent. The pigs lie close together; ! A most convenient tnotpia Uperandi in cold weather.

PEGGY'S DOUBLE.

BY MATTIE GORDON.

■There’s no use talking, Rose; I canI work all day long and live on such ijuals! Black, muddy coffee, heavy its that I would defy the strongest Bmach to digest, and such cooked Bps— Je-whit-taker! I can’t abide it I” End, after kicking the dog several |es, and venting his anger on the Itr, inoffensive cat by giving her a I over-gentle rap with his cane, he Inmed the street door after him, I ring the astonished Rose to digest I I tirade at her leisure. I Vhat should she do ? She had never I med to do any cooking in her life, I. this was the consequence. The Bieymoon had scarcely expired, and Be she stood with great tears rolling Im her cheeks, the beauty of her Biplexion destroyed by her vain en- ■ vor to prepare a dainty meal, and, ■ •st, of all, the first harsh words that II passed her husband’s lips since l ir marriage, had been uttered, wliile ■left her in anger. She sank upon ■ bo fa and cried aloud. BVhen the floodgates of grief had Bied, she arose, and, bathing her Bobbing temples and swollen eyelids, Bi in the act of performing the daily ■ tine of household duties, when a Bid peal at the door-bell caused her Blrop her dish-towel and wonder who I caller might be. B. pale face and slight figure met her Be, neatly, though plainly, clad in a Bbh of gray serge, set off by a dainty ■he of white at the throat and wrists, Ble a knot of cherry-colored ribbon Brned the former; a spotless white B on completed the attire.

■ Please, ma’am,” came almost apoloBically, “Mr. Caruthers sent me here ■trial, saying as how you wanted to ■'? a girl to do general work for yon. ■ >pe I will suit you, for I understand ■kinds of work, but I’ve never hired Bbefore, my lady. ” ■Dome in! ” Rose said, a glad expres■l looking out from her dark, blue ■B, “and we shall soon be able to ■He that point beyond a doubt. Can Br cook?” Bfes’ml My mother has been cook E gentleman’s family for years, and ■ says that I am very passable.” is good. When can you comBice work—let me see, what is your Ike?”’ ■Peggy, ma’am!” ■ When can you come, Peggy?” It will begin now, my lady, if you BjVery well, then,” said Rose, noting■Sliringly the modest droop of the eye- ■ over the meek gray eyes, “you may B»h washing the dishes and tidy up ■ room.” ■Then the master of the house came ■ linner he was met at the hall door ■ > radiant and forgiving face, while ■air of soft arms wound about hia ■ x, and a pair of rosy lips pressed to Ereminded him of former days of E Off does your servant suit, dear?” Bsthe question, as they proceeded to Edining room arm-in-arm. ■gßpjdie is altogether too perfect for jvas the extravagant answer, jtffirgv is just an ideal of laundress, Hywoman, and, Oh, you must taste lb cooking, Henry.” B/ery well! I am glad that you have Rid such a prize, Pet,” he said ■Hr Rpd the dinner was certainly a If ieas—fit food for a dyspeptic. Ijitk, juicy and tender; potatoes, M ly, and not over-done; light biscuit II -h caused Henry Caruthers’ impairr ppetite to blossom forth with ref ed vigor; the cottage pudding was | >ly delicious, while the pie-crust p d not be excelled for flakiness, r spirits rose with his appetite, his T ‘ty laugh ringing out loud and Er, until Rose was disagreeably surr »d when the half hour had expired, Ijjring it might continue forever. The i®kfast was simple in its construcMea using home to appear like fark|sd elysium to Henry Caruther, 11 ere imprinting the parting kiss, Baid to his wife: week from to-night, love, there a grand hop at Airs. Trueman’s; & is the card of invitation which I rellpd to-day. We must certainly calKtetogo.” . , . ■m evening arrived, ana great was anticipation for the coming EL Henry entered his wife’s room Kle before the time, and throwing package upon her dressingcarelessly: Bfiere h. aslii/lit token. Rose, dear; Ktheis to-night to please me.” s B|e curiously undid the fastening, K revealed to her delighted eyes ImniOri magnificent sight that ever ■hb axdnatmn had pictured. Lying Kbed of pink perfumed cotton was Kt of real diamonds; eardrops and Kefr—which sparkled and resparkled K£eir lustrous, dazding beauty Ktr the eye* of Rose, until she could SLn herself no longer, but caught ML imynlsivelv to her lips, and pressKL* upon kiss on their shiniug surKery lovely she looked as she enSd the illumined parlors of her hostElcsningupon the arm of her proud,

It was late that night when the ball broke up, and Rose Caruthers, tired and weary, unfastening her shining jewels and tossing them carelessly upon her dressing-table, hurriedly disrobed. The sun was shining brightly in at the dormer window when she awoke the next morning, and the breakfast-bell was ringing for the second time. She She found Henry awaiting her arrival with a little frown disfiguring his handsome face, as the rolls and coffee had been served and were cooling upon the table. “I did not know but you were still ' dreaming of your diamonds,” he said, a little jealously. “Oh, no, indeed; you do me injustice, Henry. I declare to you that they have not, even for one moment, entered my thoughts since I unfastened them last night after the ball. I am not qnite so Vain, I hope,” she said, with a pout of her red lips. “Well, never mind, Puss,” he rejoined, as he kissed away the pretty pout. “Come now, we will break our fast, and after that I will remove your new jewels to the bank, as lam on my way to the office, and lock them up in the casket with the others, for they are the pure stuff—warranted.” As soon as they had finished their repast, Rose ran gayly up to her room, keeping time with her dainty slippers to the waltz she was humming as she went, and bursting in ran straight to her dressing-table confidently, to grasp the precious diamonds. The next moment her face assumed a blank, puzzled expression, as she stood riveted to the spot. The diamonds were not there. She placed her hand to her forehead in a dazed manner, striving to recall some other place in which she might have secreted them. But, in vain. She felt as sure of casting them upon her table as that she was awake when doing so. Had burglars entered her chamber ? Impossible! The windows were all fastened securely, and the doors all locked. She stepped to the landing, and in a faint voice called “Henry. ” He ran wonderingly to her, noting with anxiety her white face. “ Why, Rose, have you seen a ghost ?” he queried, assuming a playful tone. When told what had occurred, he gave a prolonged whistle, while his first suspicion startled while it angered her. Peggy! Such an idea! That honest countenance allow her hands to commit a theft? Never. The thought alone seemed wholly preposterous to her mind. “No, Henry, she never did it! I could swear that Peggy is innocent,” Rose said, with positive assurance. “Nevertheless 1 shall call her, and allow her the privilege of protesting her ignorance of the affair, ” he said, suiting the action to the word. But, no; he felt that Rose must be right in vindicating Peggy’s cause, when he beheld the clear, honest gray eyes unflinchingly deny the unjust accusation, while the lips unfalteringly proclaimed her entire innocence.

“Strange! strange! strange!” was his only comment, as he left the room. Later in the day, as Rose sat pondering on the strange disappearance of her diamonds (she thought of little else now), a slight circumstance recurred to her, which had taken place just after her husband had left the room the night of the ball. After kissing them several times, she had looked around, ashamed of her folly, when a pair of keen gray eyes, with an expression of gloating admiration in their depths, were fascinatingly fixed upon her treasures, through the door, slightly ajar. bjie remembered now the start of confusion evinced, ,undoubtedly occasioned by her (Rose’s) sudden change of position. And yet was it not very natural for in passing the slightly open door, to peep in, and, having done so, pause to admire the dazzling brilliance which must have caught her eye? She refrained from relating the incident to Henry, for fear of rekindling the slumbering suspicion. Days flew into weeks and weeks into months, bringing no clew to the missing diamonds; but, strange to relate, many small articles of lesser value were found missing, and all remained enveloped in a mystery unfathomable. One evening, after dusk, as Henry Caruthers was returning from his office, he saw the rays of a bright light streaming from the one little window in the unfurnished and unoccupied attic chamber, just over the kitchen. Somewhat puzzled, he ascended the steps leading from the street to the front door, and was in the act of crossing the hall to seek Rosa, when his attention was drawn to the back staircase by the closing of a door near the attic, and soon after Peggy descended the back staircase, and hurriedly passed through the rear door, bearing a huge bundle with her. "Has Rose discharged her?” he asked himself. But upon questioning Rose no information was gained, as she knew absolutely nothing about it. “Peggy has been m the dining-room for a half hour certain,” she told him. “And I have just come from there, Henry, instructing her a little in the art of economy. She must have flown, to I have been in the attic when you came.” “Run, Rose, and ascertain if she is in the house now,” he said, impatiently. She did go, returning in a second, her countenance as puzzled now as his had been a moment before. “She says that she has not been from the dining-room since I left her.” Rose said, in an awed tone. As before, the only word that Henry Caruthers could utter was: “Strange, stange, strange!” And the mystery deepened. Upon leaving his office one noon to go to dinner, he was startled at beholding a figure crossing the bridge and coming toward him, strangely familiar. “ How are you Peggy ? Are you leaving for good?” he asked, as he noted the good-sized bundle in her hand, inclosed in a large yellow bandana. But she hurrid’ly drew her veil down over her face, and passed him without vouchsafing him even a nod of recognition. “By George! gone off in a huff," he ejaculated, gazing back at the now dis-

taut Peggy. “I wonder what she has been doing now, to arouse my lady’s displeasure ?” he mentally added. But, what did it mem? Surely that was Peggy crossing the hall from the kitchen to the dining-room. “I shall investigate this matter ere the setting of to-morrow’s sun,” he determined, as he silently entered and took a seat at the table. In consequence, toward evening of the same day, Henry Caruthers was privately closeted with a proficient j detective, to whom he explained as ex- ■ plicitly as possible the facts in the case. The next day, as Rose was engaged with some fine needle work in the little sitting-room, she was certain that she heard some one sobbing, and other sounds of distress from an adjoining bedroom. She hastily opened the door communicating, and saw Peggy in great distress, sitting upon the side of the bed, which she had began to make up. “Why, Peggy, you poor child! What ' is the matter?” exclaimed the warmhearted Rose, placing her hand upon the girl’s bowed head. “I can’t tell you, ma’am! You would despise me. I can’t tell any one, leastwise you who have been so kind to me. ” “But, where are you going?” she asked, observing Peggy donning her cloak and hat. “I have to go down town, my lady. I am sent for.” And Rose, on glancing through the half-open door, saw for the first time a man standing in the hall, dressed in a blue detective suit. In a few words he explained to her his painful duty; that of arresting Peggy for theft. He had come to conduct her to the station house. The evening before he had tracked her from the house where she was employed, away beyond the city limits, and had there lost trace of her. That morning she had stolen in at the back entrance to the Caruthers domain veiy early, ere the family were astir, minus the bundle which she had borne away with her. Peggy, amidst expostulations and entreaties, was searched, all to no purpose. When questioned as to how she came by the bundle so frequently seen with her, anti as to their contents, she maintained a confused silence, while her eyelids drooped guiltily. “Peggy,” and Henry Caruthers’ tone was stern and commanding, “the sooner you explain this matter the better it will be for you. Are you guilty or innocent of the crime ?” Peggy hung her head for a few minutes thoughtfully, then expressed her willingness to confess all that she knew of the affair. Her story is as follows: “My home is five miles away from here, to the east. My family consists of a father and twin sisters, besides myself. My father, sir, is an inebriate, spending all our earnings in liquor; he is very quarrelsome, and never thinks of doing one stroke of work, so that, sometimes, my sister and myself find it difficult to make both ends meet.

“My twin s:ster, sir, is the very counterpart of myself in appearance, but she is deaf and dumb. lam very sorry, sir, but I could not resist the temptation of taking the things, although I knew it was stealing. 1 began to think that you were so well off’ that perhaps you might never find out what became of them and that the crjme would not be as bad as when taken from a poorer person. ” “Where is your sister, Peggy?” “In your house, sir, in the attic chamber, she is waiting for me.” A bright light dawned on the mind of Henry Caruthers. This, then, accounted for the light he had seen there, and cleared, in his mind, the remainder of the mystery. “I will fetch her,” he said, and left. He soon returned, leading Polly by the hand. Polly wrote rapidly the answers to the questions put to her, and her story coincided in every way with the one Peggy had told, but when questioned as to the manner in which she had committed the theft, Peggy sprang forward excitedly, while she exclaimed, with flashing eyes: “She never did that! I it was who stole the things, when you were absent from the room, and wrapped them up , for her. She merely received the bundle from my hands in the attic chamber, ,and carried them home. They are all there, now, unharmed. Oh, sir, do not blame Polly.” And Peggy wrung her hands entreatingly. “My poor girl,” Henry Caruthers exclaimed huskily, while his eyes looked moist. “You both have been more : sinned against than sinning. I will ' send some one to recover the articles, a»d will make this proposition to you: Peggy, I will take you back again into nay employ, and give your mute sister a home on one condition, and that is, that you swear here before a witness that you will never repeat the crime, but always strive to be honest.” Peggy was too much astonished for a time to answer. That any one should trust her after her acknowledged theft never occurred to her. She sprang forward , impulsively, and grasping her benefactor’s hand before he could restrain her, she covered it with her tears and kisses. “To provide for my sister was all that tempted me !* she exclaimed, brokenly. “Oh, sir, I thank you more than I can tell you. ” And Henry Caruthers never regretted the adoption of Peggy’s double.

She Was No Deadliead.

“Ma! I’ve made up my mind to marry Mr. Glibtongue, and I shall rely on you to win pa’s consent.” “Indeed, piss, and what reason have you to believe me equal to this reliance ?” “Well, ma, you see Glibtongue is the new coroner for our district, and as pa’s political aspirations are all dead, I can insure them a very quiet inquest if you humor me.” “I presume I’ll have to humor you, my dear.” “That’s a dear mamma! and, besides, you always said I had such killing ways, and it may be that a coroner in the family won’t prove such a deadhead to ua after all. n ~ Yonkers Gazelle.

The Use and Abuse of Fun.

What should we be without this gift to brighten our existence on our earthly pilgrimage? A love of fan is most often accompanied by a cheerful and lively cnsposition. We can imagine no drearier state than that of an individual who, during the whole of his lifetime, can obtain no fun or pleasure in the slightest degree, in his daily intercourse with his fellow-creatures. But it is a well-known fact that even of the best of things one can have too much. Even fun has its limit, and a more wearisome thing can scarcely be imagined than an individual -who, at the most inappropriate time, cannot refrain from turning the most commonplace of conversation into fun and ridicule. This is certainly a great failing; but of course there is a graver aspect under which it can be Regarded, namely, the love of ill-natured fun. A laugh raised at the expense of a well-meaning person is highly injudicious, and in many cases r itely forgotton. The turning into ridicule of another person’s words and ideas in a most uncharitable and hurtful habit, when long forgotten by the speaker, rankles in the mind of the 1 victim. There is nothing more disagreeable to a very sensitive nature than the fear of being made fun of or turned into ridicule, and the very slightest inclination toward this unchristianlike habit will cause the victim of it such pain and shrinking a less sensitive mind would scarce deem possi de. We should be especially careful of these sensitive ones, the more so as one can never tell the harm a careless word leveled in mere jest may do. It rankles in the mind of the sensitive one,and gives a pernicious precedent to the hearers, which happily is not general, and brings its own punishment; for those few who find real pleasure in giving pain to others by illnatured and personal fun are rarely well spoken of, even by those who profess to see no harm in it. A sarcastic person may have many admirers, but no real friends, as, directly personal intercourse with them ceases, and when one's back is turned, then one trembles for one’s own character. But this is a spiteful and uncharitable fun, only resorted to by those who, disgusted with and weary of the world, can find consolation only in the endeavor to convert others to their opinion. There is one more abuse of fun which is necessary only just to touch upon, and which, while the love of pure and holy things exist, can never become a habit—l mean the danger that one has to guard against of speaking in fun of sacred and holy things, or in any way bringing them into ridicule. It may be that, to a really witty person, the inclination to this irreverent practice has to be moie carefully guarded against than to those whose sense of wit is less keen. If a witty speech or joke is on our lips which would turn into the slightest fun or ridicule things only to be spoken or thought of with reverence, let the witty sentence be wasted, rather thambe uttered to fall perhaps on some untutored and wavering mind, and prove a stumbling-block in that mind for years and years after the words were uttered and forgotten. So much for the abuse of this gift. But, on the whole, much more may be said for than against it; for though it may prove a stumbling-block and “occasion of falling” to some few, it is an undeniable blessing to those who, with a constant and ever-ready source of cheerfulness and fun, can make lighter daily trials and difficulties, and even afford help to a less hopeful brother or sister on their earthly journey.— Harper’s Bazar.

Increased Duration of Life.

The stage to which we have at present attained may be stated thus: Compared with the period 1838-1854 (the earliest for which there are trustworthy records) the average of a man’s life is now 41.9 years instead of 39.9, and of a woman’s 45.3 instead of 41.9 years, an addition of 8 per cent, to the female life and 5 per cent, to the male. Of each thousand males born at the present day, forty-four more will attain the age of 35 than used to be the case previous to 1871. For the whole of life the estimate now is that of 1,000 persons (onehalf maels and one-half females) thirtyfive survive at the age of 45, twenty-six at 55, nine at 65, three at 75, and one at 85. To put the case in another way, every thousand persons born since 1870 will live about 2,700 years longer than before. In other words, the life of a thousand persons is now equal in duration to that of 1,070 persons previously; and 1,000 births will now keep up the growth of our population as well as 1,070 births used to do. This is equivalent in result to an increase of our population, and in the best form, viz., not by more births but by fewer deaths, which means fewer maladies and better health. What is more, nearly 70 per cent, of the increase- ©f life takes place (or is lived) in trhe “usual period,” namely, between the ages of 20 and 60. Thus, of the 2,700 additional years lived by each thousand of! ©ur population, 70 per cent., or 1,890 years, will be a direct addition to the working power of our people. It is to be remembered that there might be a great addition to the births in a country with little addition to the national working power—nay, with an actual reduction of the national wealth and prosperity—seeing that, regarded as “economic agents,” , children are simply a source of expense, ! and so also are a majority of, the elderily who have passed the age of three : score. On the other hand, as already said, only one quarter of the longer or additional life now enjoyed by our people is passed in the useless periods of childhood and old age, and more than one-third of it is lived at ages when life is in its highest vigor, and most productive alike of wealth and enjoyment. —Cornhill Magazine.

Modern Trial by Ordeal.

A gentleman who some years ago acted as a surgeon to several friendly societies in the county of Durham relates the following anecdote, which occurred between Jiim and one of his rusti& constituents. A member of an Odd Fellows’ lodge came one evening for advice at the fisual hour of consultation. The symptoms were duly detailed, and the surgeon prescribed a mixture which contained two grains of tartrate of antimony in eight ounces of water. The patient on arriving home

took a doee of his medicine, but was annoyed to find that it had so little taste, and that, moreover, it presented no solid material to be shaken up. On submitting the bottle to h.s wife she also, on tasting, pronounced it to be “nowt but wetter. ” He then took council with some of his brethren, who were not very favorably disposed toward the doctor, and, yielding to their advice, , entered a complaint to the lodge. In due time the doctor received from the Secretary a notice to attend and answer Brother Jones’ charge to the effect that he had been supplied with water instead of medicine. In reply to this notice, the surgeon asked the Secretary to intimate to the aggrieved brother that it would be necessary to have the medicine produced in order that he might Lave a fair chance of rebutting the charge. "When the night arrived, there w s a goodly attendance of members, and the lodge having been formally opened, Jones was asked to stand forth and prefer his charge against the doctor, which he did, alleging that the bottle produced was given to him for medicine, and contained nothing butwat;r. After he had finished his statement, the surgeon proclaimed to the meeting that if Jones was sincere in his belief that there was nothing but water in the bottle, he could have no objection to drinking the contents at one draught. The Chairman and brethren thought this a reasonable proposition, and put it to Jones aecordingly. Jones was evidently not quite prepared for this crucial test of his belief, but could see no way out of it. After a little hesitation he consented. The contents of the eightounce mixture were transferred to a tumbler, and he quaffied them off. The doctor then intimated to the Chairman that he might proceed with any other business, until the medicine had time to take effect. After the lapse of about an hour Jones began to exhibit signs of internal disturbance, and a basin was brought in for his convenience. It soon , became manifest to the brethren that there must have been something more than water in the mixture. The doctor submitted that he had effectually upset both Jones and his allegation, and quitted the lodge in triumph.— Chambers’ Journal.

Age in a Woman.

Age in a woman is a ticklish subject, and I have been talking with an expert about it—that is to say, a physician of heavy and long practice. I reminded him that we can judge of a horse's years by his mouth, and why couldn’t some rule be laid down, in a widely general way, as data to go on in estimating the age of a human being? “Do horses wear false teeth!” the man of medicine answered. “Do they dye their gray hairs, or putty up the wrinkles in their faces? Seriously, there is nobody so expert as to learn the age of a woman with anywhere near exactitude by physical observation. The uncertainty isn’t altogether due to deceptive practices, either, but to the widely varying effect of time in individuals. As a rule, brunettes look older than blondes at a corresponding age. As to the plumpness and the lack of it, fat may be said to increase the apparent age of a girl under 25, and to lessen it in a woman over that; and the reason is that slenderness is girlish as long as it does not produce wrinkles, while rotundity keeps the skin taut and smooth. “But these are mere generalities. In no gathering of women strangers to you could you guess the ages within five years on the average, and in half the instances you would be ten years out of the way. I know a woman of 35 with a son of 18, and when out together they are commonly mistaken for brother and sister. Popular ideas as to the ages of actresses is extravagantly erroneous. I could name several whom I know to be tremendously outraged by overestimates. Heal th is the only preserver of juvenility. Cosmetics, without exception, are injurious finally, if not at once. The skin is deadened by unguents and powders that fill the pores. But on the whole a woman can’t greatly alter her countenance as to its showing of her age, whether the exhibit be true or false.”— New York Cor. Chicago Herald.

Origin of the National Museum.

From an article by Ernest Ingersoll, in the Century, we quote the following : “In no single respect, perhaps, has the progress of the American capital been more striking than in the history of the National Museum. Originating in a quantity of ‘curiosities’ which had been given to the United States- by foreign powers, or sent home by consuls and naval officrs, old visitors to Washington remember it as a heterogeneous cabinet in the Patent Office. It included such diverse objects as the femur of a Missouri mastedon, Washington’s knee-breeches, and the Oriental spoils of the Wilkes expedition around the world. In 1846 a» step was taken toward something coherent and creditable, by an act of Congress establishing a N ational the precedent of a dozen or mor® other nations; but this intention took effect very slowly, though various exploring expeditions and embassies largely increased the balk of the collections. When the inventive faculty of this Yankee race had crowded the Patent Office with models, the ‘cabinet of cariosities’ was trundled over to the Smithsonian Institution.”

In the Wrong Line.

A father had obtained a place for his young son in a drug store, with a view to his learning the business. Meeting the druggist one day, he asked him how he was pleased with the hoy. “I am afraid he will never amount to much in the drug line,” was the reply. “He doesn’t seem to be fitted for it altogether. This morning when I came down after breakfast, the pavement in front of the store was very icy, and he asked me if he shouldn’t sprinkle some ashes over it. Your son, I fear, is not endowed with the necessary ‘grasp’ to succeed in drugs.”— New York Sun. Speaking of a commercial traveler who was arreeted for embezzlement, an exchange says: “He confesses bis guilt.” A drummer may own up to guilt, but to brass—never.

HUMOR

The song of the mill is always hop-per-tune. The latest returns—husband getting home from the club. Nothing is impossible to him who wills—unless he is a married man. It is because ignorance is bliss that courting is so much pleasure to young people. “Suites to the sweet,” as the man said when he took his young wife to live in a flat. A rural obituary relates that “the deceased had accumulated a little money and ten children. ” • When a boy of 18 runs away with a girl of the same age the proceeding may be called a verdant slope. A woman at Pekin, HL, has fingernails an inch long. Her husband goes creeping around as if he was walking on tacks. The reason that it is not good to borrow a husband is because “it is not good for man to be a-lone.”— Texas Siftings. Soft blue were her eyes and lustrous, Her breath was the breeze of the South. He kissed that flirt on the forehead. And got a bang in the mouth. *, “How does the milk get into the cocoanut ?” asks a subscriber. It does not get intoait at all; the cocoanut grows around the milk. Ask us a hard one.— Burlington Hawkeye. We are willing to take a certain amount of stock in the newspaper accounts of Western cyclones, but, when an Arkansaw paper tells about a zephyr carrying a bedquilt sixty-one miles and then going back for the sheet, we aren’t there.— Ex. Gentleman—Ah, Patrick I Warm this morning. Guess the young people won’t get much skating to-day. See how wet the ice is. Patrick—Never ye fear, sorr; jist wait till tlie sun gets a little hoigher and the oice will soon dry off. ■ , Passenger to conductor —Look here, aren’t we behind time ? Conductor — Yes, sorter. Passenger—Then why don’t you run faster ? Conductor—Because we are waiting for two men and a boy to catch up. Passenger—What for? Conductor—They are going to rob the train.— Arkansaw Traveler. An eminent savant wa introduced at an evening party to a rather pert young lady. “O, Mr. ,” she said, “I am delighted to meet you. I have so long wished to see you. “Well,” said the man of science, “and pray what do you think of me now that you have seen me?” “You may be very dever,” was the answer, “but you are nothing to look at.” Thebe’s the girl with the smiling face. The girl wltii the witching eye; There’s the girl with the stately grace. And the girl that ;s modest and shy; There’s the girl with the winning air, The girl that’s reserved and cold; T litre’s the girl with the curly hair, And the girl that is rather old; There’s the girl that is grand and tall. The grl with the dimpled chin; But the girl that beats them all Is the girl that has got the tin. A lady in Coseytown discovered a mouse in the family flour-barrel. She summoned her husband, and told him to get a gun and call the dog, and station himself near the scene of onslaught. Getting up on a high chair, she commenced punching the flourbarrel with a pole. The poor mouse soon made its appearance and started across the floor, the dog immediately in pursuit. In the excitement the man fired the gun, killing the dog, and the lady fainted and fell off the chair. The man, thinking that she was dead, and fearing arrest for murder, cleared out, and has not been heard of since. The mouse escaped. “What is the population of the world, papa#” asked 6-year-old Edith, who was making up sums for herself on a new slate. “You must not interrupt me now, Edith,” said her father, who was writing at the same table. “Go to Miss Smith,” referring to the governess. Her father was not so busy, however, but that he beard and was amused by her saying, in a low tone, soon after: “I know how I can find out myself. I’ll look in the back of the geography for the United States and for Europe, and then I can add Aunt Mary’s baby and Aunt Jessie’s baby, and that will give it to me exactly.” —Ex.

In one of the schools of this city a miscnievous young American of African descent got into trouble. He had violated one of the rules, and his teacher concluded that his offense was grave enough to merit discipline at the'hands of the principal. Taking a firm hold of the young gentleman, the teacher accordingly started for the room of the dread administrator of punishment. The young chap held back, began to cry, and finally cried out, in piteous tones, “Oh, Miss , don't take me up stairs; p-l-e-a-s-e don’t. If you don’t take me up there, I’ll pray for you tonight!” She didn’t take him up.— Altoona, Tribune.

All Down.

“Good morning, Johi ny,” said the Methodist preacher, riding up to a small boy sitting on the fence in front of a Kentuckv farm-house and whistling “Wait Till the Clouds Poll By.” “Mornin’,” replied the boy, eyeing the preacher’s scrub horse narrowly. “Are the folks all well £his morning?” “Naw." “Who’s sick?” “Jim, he’s down with the measles; Mary, she’s down with the mumps; Sal,she’s dbwn with the yaller janders; Bam, he’s down with the fever; Mordecai, he’s down with the chills,” and the boy stopped to take breath. “Why, my, Johnny, you must be having a hard time at your house.” “Yes, rather tough for good Methodists.” “Is there any one else sick?” “Yes, mother; she’s down, too.” “No, you don’t say so? What’s she down with?” “'Oh, she’s down with the neighbors in the front room helpin’ lay pap out.” “Ydur father dead?” “Yes, the old man gimme his last lickin’ yistidday morning. ” “This is terrible,” groaned the preacher: “is there anybody else down?” “Yes, Bob and Hezekiah’s down with the dogs m the woods behind the truck patch ketchin’ a coon for dinner. Mother’s expeotin* /er, au’ she told me to set out here an’ wait till you come along.”— Merchant traveler.