Democratic Sentinel, Volume 9, Number 2, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 February 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

“Won by a bare scratch!” as the hem observed when she turned up the worm. A peovision dealer in Washington street calls a fall in breadstuffs the cracker doom. Ethel: “O, mamma, I’ve got such a pain!” Mother: “Where, dear?” Ethel (a refined child): “Inmy sash, mamma.” “Robbie,” said the visitor, kindly, “have you any little brothers and sisters?” “No,” replied wee Robbie, solemnly, “I’m all the children we’ve got.” An Indian has just this advantage over a white man: when he chews tobacco, the nasty yellow juice don’t show on his shirt front. —Carl Pretzels Weekly. An Alabama negro was heard to soliloquize philosophically: “De sun am so hot, de cotton am so grassy, de work am so hard, dat dis darky feel called upon to preach.” When a Western man wants an excuse to go down cellar for a drink of cider he jumps up and scares his wife almost to death by telling her that a cyclone is coming. “Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them,” remarked a small man in the street-car as a fat woman sat square down on him. When Jimpkins got married for the fourth time, and his friends teased him about it, he said that he could not help it as he s Benedicted to it for some years. —Texas Siftings. There is this difference between happiness and wisdom: that he that thinks himself the happiest man really is so; but he that thinks himself the wisest is generally the greatest fool. — Colton.

Small Boy —“Mamma, I wish I had the moon.” Mamma—“Why, what would you do with it?” Small Boy (who has just demolished a toy balloon) —“Oh, I’d blow it up and bust it.”— New York Journal. “Don’t you skate, Mrs. B ?” “No, lam only looking oh. ” “Ever tried to skate ? You’ll enjoy it when you once learn.” “O, I take lessons at home. I roll down the basement stairs every day.” —Detroit Free Press. Me. Doughnut— “My daughter, the bride. ” “Most charmed, indeed. I have not met your husband-that-is-to-be—the —ah—groom.” “Groom, indeed! Sir, there’s no groom here. No, sir, my daughter isn’t marrying a coachman.” HER REASON. “Handsome?” No; nor clever even. “Kioh?” You ■wouldn't call him so. “Young, perhaps?'’ ’Bom. forty-seven. "Rove him?” Well —I hardly knowl "Cupid's freak, or whim fantastic?" No, indeed; my reason's clear; ‘Mamie Smith’ I change—ecstatic! For ‘Mrs. Harold Yere de Vere.’ ” — Jingo. In spite of all the inventive genius of this country, no one has ever succeeded in making a sleeve-button that will permit a young man to hug his best girl without tearing a hole in her dress at the point where her back bone saws into his arm.— Newman Independent. A greedy little boy bad been told that it was not polite to take the last biscuit that lingered on the plate; but he, being overcome by temptation, corraled the coveted object, remarking at the same time: “Pa, I’m almost starved. I guess I won’t be polite today ; I'll wait some day until I’m not so hungry.” A WINTER EPISODE. His brow was ftrmlv knit; His teeth were tightly clenched; His eyes were sternly set; His heart with grief was wrenched. Her mouth was pursed to kiss; Her hands caressed his cheek; Her ear was oped to list To words that he might speak; "Confound it atl--my wife. So ev’ry cent is gone To buy your new wrap?—while My Ulster’s yet in pawn!” —Jes Josiyn. Customer —“l understand that wheat is now very low.” Baker—“ Yes; so they say.” “And flour has fallen in price ?” “Yes. ” “But your bread is as high as ever.” “Yes. You Bee our expenses are just as high as ever.” “How can that be ?” “Well, of course, everybody wants bread light; and in order to avoid the use of unwholesome yeast, we aerate it.” “I know.” “Well, the streets are so dirty now that we are afraid to use town air, and have to import all our wind at a great expense from the mountain districts.” — Pittsburgh Gazette. BINKLEB. Adolphus wore his breeches tight; Of this he did not think, When he put on his roller skates To i-how off in the rink. His first adventure was his last—i e’lt put on skates no more; He tried to kick the roof all in. And sat down on the floor. When Dolphy dropped the girls all laughed, It was an awful fall; And when they had their bscks all turned He backed np to the walL He called a friend, took off the skates. And giving him the wink. Said, “Jim, lend me that long-tailed ooat— I want to leave the rink.”