Democratic Sentinel, Volume 8, Number 52, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 January 1885 — The Foundations of Michael. [ARTICLE]

The Foundations of Michael.

Union County, Indiana, numbers among its taxpayers a good-natured old granger who is one of the largest men m size ever seen outside of canvas, for nothing. He is also as big in heart as ha is in body, and would rather hear a good story than go to church. Another good thing about him is that he oen tube a joke as well as give one, and one on himself or his wife’s relations with as much zeal as he would an Unele Dick Haworth himself, or even Tom Burnside, his nearest neighbor; and, by the way, his name is Witt, and he has right, by the law of heredity, to be a witty fellow, and he is, in aty that the name implies. Amo>pg the good ones at his own expense which he hands around to the boys when he goes to a public sale, is one that cured Henry Hosted of dyspepsia and made Charley Stivers, the postmaster, smile fdr the first time since election. Being a large man, Michael is of course somewhat gifted in the matter of feet far above the common run of mortals. He wears a shoe that could in emergencies be utilized for either a trunk or a cradle, if the wardrobe was not an actor’s, or the baby overly large. It is a shoe that would gladden the heart of a oity editor, and take the melody out of a spring poet for life. It cofild give the Bogardus Kicker the choice of innings and break its back at the first lunge. It is a shoe that would bankrupt a bootblack and make him a gibbering idiot to the end of his days. In fact, it is a pretty good-sized shoe, not a great deal smaller than the foot of a St. Louis belle, when pinched up in pumps for a ball. In his younger days this massive man wore boots, but he is getting along in years now, and don't feel like walking to the forks of the road every time he wants to pull them off.

A good many years ago, so Michael told the scrivener, he had the misfortune to get his feet poisoned, and they began to swell so rapidly that the cook stove had to be got out of tloors to make room for them in the house, but Link, the longest of the four long boys in his giant team, was sent to town with utmost speed, for a keg of liniment, and by taking turns and working hard tlve piglxt, the long boys rubbed the swelling down somewhat and saved the house. Some days afterward, when the swelling had come down sufficient for a horse to bear the burden, without suffering incurable curvature of spine, Michael mounted his Norman gelding and went out barefooted to view the country and surprise the natives. He rode on for a time without having his thighs pulled out of joint, and finally halted in the creek to water his horse and soak his, inflamed bunions. While sitting there wondering if it wouldn't pay him to go into competition with steam thrashers and tread out the grain, a stranger rode up and gazed at Michael and his feet in speechless wonder. “i?ine day,” said Michael, sizing the stranger up, wibh the habit of a man who sometimes lends money. “Y-a-a-s,” replied the stranger, still keeping his eyes glued on Michaels feet, in a figurative sense, of course. “Live in these parts ?” from Michael came.

“No; and I’ll be hanged if I -want to,” came from the man of unknown name. “Not if you walk much hereabout in yoijr sleep. “I have done such things,” said Michael, as he spit into the creek, and raised the water; not very much, to be sure, but a little. “Well, no wonder crops are ruins&,” the strange man did reply. “But I wouldn’t a thought it, hardly. How in the name of shoe-leather you manage to carry them feet around without pulling your knees out ’o j’int is one of the things I don’t suppose I’ll ever know before I get bald-headed.” And the man took another look at the foundations of Michael, and then he mused and bit his nails, and mused again, and chewed his cud and ruminated for quite a spell, and then, says he, quite brusque like: “Well, well, how a body kin be mistaken sometimes,.can’t they?” “I don’t know,” says Michael. “How BO?” “Why, stranger,” said the curious man, with considerable emotion, “when I saw you coming on the top of the hill yonder, I looked at you kind o’ casual like, but I could ’a swore you was riding a mare with twin colts;” and then he took another look at the feet, wiped the gathering tears from- his eyes on his coat-sleeve, spurred his horse into a keen gallop, and was seen no more. Beader, our task is done, and you can fix up the moral to suit yourself. Still, if you are too thin-skinned to take this story without collateral testimony, you can send on a quarter, to cover cost of boxingv and be accommodated with a photograph of the shoes that Michael wears, by the first fast freight— Chicago Ledger.