Democratic Sentinel, Volume 8, Number 50, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 January 1885 — A PROMISCUOUS ADVENTURE. [ARTICLE]

A PROMISCUOUS ADVENTURE.

BY STANLEY HUNTLEY.

‘My dear.’ said Mrs. Spoopendyke. glancing nervously out of ths window and then timidly at her husband, ‘my dear, 1 wonder how that goat got into our yard?’ ‘W‘at goat?’ asked Mr. Spoopendjfke, looking up from ‘Why, the goat that’s out there.’ ‘Ohl’groaned Mr. Spoopendyke, approaching the window. ‘You mean thabone do you? The principles that generally regulate your conversation betrayed me into thinking that your mind might be fixed on some other goat. As for him, I suppose he broke through the fence from the back lot—or,’ continued Mr. Spoopendyke, hastily correcting himself, ‘perhaps he came to call on jou. Better ask him in.’

Im afraid of him,’ peeped Mrs. Spowndyke, drawing doser to her husband. ‘What do you think we had better do? If he stays out there he’ll eat up everything.’ v I believe Pll go and drive him out,’ said Mr. Spoopendyke f eyeing the brute with no particular amount of favor. ‘You come along to head hiih off, and you'll sobn see a goat begin to wish he had been born a girl that some one aright learn to love him.’ And with, this prognostication Ma Sppopendyke sallied forth fob lowed by his wife. ‘Be careful,’ she whispered. ‘When iroats get angry they butt, and that nurts.’ ,8 n owte commenced Mr. Spcooendyke. waving his hands and following the goat to a hole in the fence, where a couple of boards had been knocked c ut. ‘Shoo t here no w! Ski! Hold on! Head him, can’t ye? Turn him! Whoop!’ he roared, as the goat whirled suddenly and dashed to the other end of the yard. What’d ye come out here for?’ he demanded of his wife, who had made a little better time than the goat, and had reached the top of a step ladder. ‘Don’t let him come up here!’ she squealed, stamping hei feet on the top step, and trying to climb up the side of the house. ’Hold on to him and call a policeman!’ ‘Great rcheme!’ growled Mr. Spoopendyke, looking around for a stick. ‘But I haven’t made up my mind whether to call the do the holding on first.' What’re ye making stucco work of yourself up there for? Come down, and get behind that goat, will ye, while teach him the ways and admonition of Sp opendyke. If you ain’t mighty careful hell rub up again-t that step-ladder and you’re liable to come down in sections!’ This prophesy brought Mrs. Spoopendyke to the ground without much delay , ‘Say. dear,’ she suggested, 'suopose you should go to the other side of the hole, and cal i him. Don’t you think lied come?’

’Come in a minute, if 1 happened to hit his right name,’ retorted Mr. Spoopendyke, who had found a stick and was preparing for war. ‘Now, you edge around behind him, so as to give him a starter, and I’ll put myself in communica tion with tim as soon as he gets under way.’ ‘Go along, dear. Run through that pretty little hole in the fence, like a good goat'!’ faltered Mrs. Spoopendyke, aptistrophizing the animal in a purely feminine fashion. ‘Shoo, dear, now, and be real nice? The goat looked at her, thereby freezing .her blood, and started slowly for the , bottom of the yard. I ’Yes, love!’ ripped M n Spoopendyke, bringing his ’ stick down on the back of lhe

beast with a vindicative grin. ‘There’s a nice little opening for goats that’s awaiting for thee!’ and down came the stick once more ‘Whe-e-e-e!’ squealed Mrs. Spoopendyke, as the goat whirled around like a turntable, and faced all the points of the compass at once. ‘He must be looking for the place to get out, isn’t he? hat do you suppose makes him act that way ? Whe-e-e-e!’ The last yell was extracted by a sudden straightening up of the goat, who tore around the yard like a cat in a fit. ‘With that headway on, hs’ll be apt to go through the hole in the fence if he ever hits it,’ observed Mr. Spoopendyke, who had joined his wife in the middle of the circuit rather precipitously. I think I must have struck nim a little harder than he meant to have me. Now, you get behind him again, and we ll fix him so that the next time he sees a hole in our fence he’ll get a hammer and board up the temptation.’

Mrs. Spoopendyke eeled along the fence, and took her station with considerable perturbation. The goat came down on a trot, and finally stopped and looked a trifle bewildered. Mr. Spoopendyke grasped|his stick with a firmergrip, and, figuratively speaking, waited for his wife to deliver the ball. ‘Now start him.’ said be. Mrs. Soopendyke waved her apron, and the goat aiming straight at the hole in the fence bore down upon it with three hundred goat power. Mr. Spoop ndyke aimed a lick at him, missed him, and went tumultuously through the .fence and bounded back. ‘Great Gracious!’ ejaculated Mrs. Spoopendyke, swarming up the step ladder and squatting at the top. ‘Are you hurt, dear?’ ‘Hurt!’ howled Mr. Spoopendyke, peeping through the hole and couteinplating hi s wife with a savage glare. ‘Think I’m a nail, to come through a board fence and be clinched without feeling it? Can’t you scare that goat away from this hole so 1 can com’ back and commune with him once more? Come down off that dod-gasted stepladder can’t ye? Got a notion that measly goat is coming up here to be scared? Come down and throw a brick at him will ye?’ ‘I haven’t got a .brick,’ murmured Mrs. Spoopendyke, as she scuttled down the ladder, ‘but I’ll get a flat-iron,’ and having provided herself with a weapon the use of which she understood, she sallied forth to effect an exchange of situation between the goat aud her husband. ‘Now go long!’ she exclaimed, sternly, holding out her war material at arm’s length. ‘Ain’t you ashamed of yourj self, you nasty goat! Ow-w-w-! ; Look out, dear!’ But Mr. Spoopendyke, constant in his want of faith in his ’ wife’s suggestions, incautiously looked in, and h.j and the goat rolled, over ea'ch other in the vacant lot.

‘Did the whole business work in accordance with thesched U'ttf he yelled as he picked h mself up and shied the remnant of his stick at |the flying I foe. ‘Did the whole measly igoat get through or is there m re to follow? Don’t omit a i stanza in this refreshing season of v. ■ >rship! Let’s have the i whole hymn!’ and Mr. Spoopendyke rroiehted himself at the oj e; . the fence, with mudratroakuti face and tattered habiliments.

‘Come in, dear, said Mrs. Spodpendyke soothingly. ‘Come in, now. He’s gone.’. ; ‘I know he’s gone!’ howled 1 Mr. Spoopendyke, crawling through the hole. ‘I saw him when he went! Oh, you started him! when he saw that vigorous mind of yours backed up by a dod-gasted flat-iron, all he could do was to go!—

Another time, you see me scaring a goat out of the yard you let things alone, will ye?’ and Mr. Spoopendyke hobbled into the house to change his clothes. ' I don t care,’ murmured Mrs. Spoopendyke, dragging a barrel against the hole as protect?t j against further incursions. ‘1 don’t care. The way he was chopping at that goat with his stick, he wouldn’t have had him out in a month. You want to treat a goat like a crease, *and iron it out. or, she continued, referring to some previous experience, if you want to make sure of having it go out you might hire it as a servant girl.’ And with these luminous reflections, Mrs. Spoopendyke tore her skirt on a nail in the barrel and joined her husband with a hundred consolatory caresses.—Drake’s Traveler s Magazine.

Ihe respectable gentleman of the following anecdote was the victim of |a slight misunderstanding, and probably he did not forget it. He went to the train one day to see his favorite daughter off Securing her a seat he went to the bookstall and then returned to her window to say a parting word as is frequently done on such occasions. iVhile he was away the daughter left the seat to speak to a friend, and at the same time a prim old maid came in and took her place. Unaware of the important change inside, he hurriedly put his face up to the window and said: ‘One more kiss, sweet pet!’ In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the w4udow,-follt) wed by the passionate interjection; ‘Scat, yon gray-headed wretcel’ He