Democratic Sentinel, Volume 8, Number 49, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 January 1885 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he smiles very complacently on coachmen.

After a man has led a fast life for a while the fast life begins to lead him. The exultant exclamation of the chiropodist: “I came, I saw, I corncured.”—Carl Pretzel’s Weekly.

Variety may be the spice of life, but judicious and systematic advertising is the pepper and salt of a newspaper, and the butter of the advertiser. The customer, however, gets the best of the cream. —Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. A German newspaper contains the following advertisement: “If Charles Frankenberger will either call or write to Karl Schmidt, on the Kaiser strasse, No. 26, he will hear something to his advantage. His wife is dead.” “When I married Panl,” said the old lady, “he was made to say, ‘With my worldly goods I thee endow.’ Paul was keeping a dry goods store then, and I thought the goods belonged to me; but I soon found out the words meant only one calico dress a year. ” Did you give your mother that nice clabber I gave you for her yesterday ?” asked a man in a country wagon, of a small boy on one of the streets of Austin. “Naw,” replied Johnny; I thought it was too sour for her, so I put lots of sugar in it, and ate it myself.”— Texas Siftings.

Two friends who had not communicated for some time now met under circumstances not suggestive of gloom, and after effusive greetings: First Gent (loq.)—“And the good wife?” Second Gent (with due solemnity )“In heaven —two years.” First Gent—“My dear fellow, I’m shocked to hear it.”

He was reading a patent-medicine almanac. Suddenly he jumped up and shouted to his wife: “Somebody run for the doctor; I’m sick. I’m the sickest man on the footstool. There ain’t a disease known to medical science that I haven’t got pronounced symptoms of. I have reached the advanced stage of everything. Somebody run for the doctor quick!”— Detroit Post. While returning from school one muddy day Tommy fell into the gutter, with the result that it was difficult to decide which was mud and which was Tommy. When he arrived home the following dialogue occurred: Tommy—- “ B-o-o-o-o! I’ve fallen down!” Ma—- “ You bad boy! In those new knickerbockers too!” Tommy (never at a loss for an excuse) —“B-o-o o-o! I hadn’t time to take them off' when I felt myself going. The biggest bore on earth is the man who has just had a tooth drawn. He wants to tell the whole story, from the time the tooth first began to ache to the heroic manner in which he allowed it to be extracted. We have an old and valued friend in the office at this moment who is relating to us all the harrowing details of his dental experiences, notwithstanding that he knows we are ever head and ears in work, and going to press to-night. When he reads this paragraph we trust the awful extent of his guilt will appear before him in all its enormity. A lawyer took in a new boy, and, as he had suffered to some extent from the depredations of the former one, he determined to try the new lad’s honesty at once. He therefore placed a £5 note under a weight on his desk, and walked out without a word. Upon his return, half an hour later, the note was gone, and balf-a-crown in silver had taken its place. “Boy! when I went out I left £5 under this weight.” “Yes, sir; but, you see, you hadn’t been gone five minutes when a man came m with a bill against you for £4 17s 6d. I guess the change is correct.” “You paid a bill?” “Yes, sir; there it is, all receipted. The man said it had slipped your mind for the last four years, and so ” He didn’t get any further before he was rushed for the stairs, and he isn’t in the law business any more.

SONNET ON THE STEW’. Softly the evening star Was shining in the west. And Luna from her golden car Shed gracious peace and rest. A maiden, starry-eyed, Looked up with lashes wet; Her lover whispered—“ Stewed or fried?" She faltered, “Stewed, you bet!" —’Burlington Free Press. HOW HE SAW’ HIM. She raised her arms, soft shining links of love. And wound them round him; then, as rose sprays rear Their buds of morn, she rais?d her lips above Unto responsive lips that bent an ear. “What is the matter, sweet, my own?” she sobbed, And for an answer he but softly sighed— Sad sound to her in whose white bosom throbbed X£Tbe anxious heart of a half-frightened bride. Still, still she queried, then at last he said— His eyes refulgent with devotion’s light. His hand caressing her sunbeamy head—"My pet, I saw Tom Robinson last night." She, wondering, gazed upon him. "And does he Always cause you such woe?" He crushed a blush And answered, “When I saw him, dear, you see, I had four queens against his. straight club Hush!” Was/nngfon Hatchet.