Democratic Sentinel, Volume 8, Number 33, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 September 1884 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

If you would be wealthy, get upon s mule; you will soon find you are better off. A number of Pennsylvania speculators, having a taste for high art, have been done in oiL Said the dentist: “No doubt Without pain twill come out." Said the man with a min: “That remark la tooth in." Jules Verne’s next novel will probably be headed “The Adventures of Mr. Mike Kobe.” A war-horse is always spoken of as a heavy charger, and yet we never hear of a tailor being called a war-horse. A sculptor has just completed a statue called “Slumber.” It does not represent a policeman on duty, as many suppose. At a reception a young lady accidentally set her back hair on fire. When it was extinguished she said she was glad it wasn’t her best. Mr. Smith —“ Jones, I don’t object to music, but when that dog of yours barks all night I think it a little too much.” “Then you don’t appreciate Offenbach?” There is a clergyman in Australia who charges for the performance of ttfe marriage ceremony according to the weight of the parties—a penny a pound for the bridegroom and 2 penoe for the bride. In that parish it is not an uncommon thing to hear a young man remark: “No, darling, not immediately; you’re too fat. ” When lovely woman takes a notion With a brick to hit a cat, A burning bouse, a raging ocean, Were a saler spot than that! Seize her quick, secure and bind her. Ere the missile dire she throws; Or 'tis like some one behind her Gets it full upon the nose. —Free Frees. * ’ Fog & Mist were china-dealers in Warwick street; the firm afterward became Fog & Son, on which it was naturally enough remarked that “the sun had driven away the mist. ” Going & Gonne was the style of a well-known banking-house in Ireland, and on their failure in business some one wrote.: Going and Gonne are now both one, For Gonne is going, and Going’s gone. A lady called at a chemist’s shop, and, after examining one or two articles, remembered she wanted some cosmetic for the toilet, and, turning to the chemist, asked, “Have you any Bloom of Youth ?” The merchant, over whose head more than fifty summers had passed, turned to one of his clerks and asked, in a busy way: “Have I any bloom of youth left?” The clerk looked up with a quiet smile, and answered, “I believe not, sir. ” , An anecdote is related, illustrative of the slyness of the Bohemians, compared with the simple honesty of the Germans and the candid unscrupuloiftness of the Hungarians. In war times three soldiers, one each of these three nations, met in a parlor of an inn, over the chimney-piece of which hung a watch. When they had gone, the German said, “That was a good watch; I wish I had bought it. ” “I am sorry I did not take it,” said the Bohemian. “I have it in my pocket,” said the Hungerian. “Chicago is a great city,” remarked one traveling man to another, as they got off the train in that town. “Yes, it’s a big place. Did you ever see them raising houses and building the first story last?” “No; do they do that?” “Yes; all the time. Why, some time ago they raised the whole Tremont House, with4,ooo jacks.” “How many?” “Four thousand.” “Thunder! It didn’t take that many, did it? By gravy, I saw a fellow down in Cincinnati, aljbut a week ago, go into one of the biggest establishments there, and I’m a sucker if he didn’t raise the whole house with two jacks. Prettiest game of bluff I ever saw.” The other man gave Cincinnati the lead, and Chicago came in a very fair second.