Democratic Sentinel, Volume 8, Number 30, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 August 1884 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A deserted waste—the old maid’s.— Boston Post. The observed of all observers—the base-ball umpire.— Hatchet. Signs of spring—“Keep off the grass. ” —Philadelphia Call. In search of the spring lamb—the stock brokers.— Boston Courier. A well-paid barber—the man who shaves notes.— New York Graphic. The highly appropriate name of a Brooklyn beer-saloon keeper is Mugge. A Cincinnati physician being interviewed says that nearly all physicians are poor men. Perhaps so. Some of them are awfully poor doctors.—Hawkeye. Why isn’t a reception at the White House like a game of euchre ? Because, although there is a good deal of assisting, there’s no going it alone.— 'Hatchet. j Three million bushels is the estimate on the present peanut crop in the pouth. This is a sure guarantee of a good and profitable circus season. You can’t have a first-class circus without peanuts.— Peck’s Sun. “Can you paint me a sign at once?” “Yes, what kind of a sign do you want?” “A sign of rain.” A cloud lowered on the painter’s brow, and, fearing an immediate storm, the humorist left.— Philadelphia Call. A boy found a woman’s switch in the opera house and returned it to her. “Thank you my little man,” said the lady; “you are an honest boy.” “Oh! no, I’m not so very honest; but I know what J am.” “What are you, then?” “A hair restorer.” “Oh, yes,” said Mrs. Parvenu, talking about music at Mrs. Suddenriches’ reception, “I just dote on them sympathy concerts, and my husband insists on our prescribing for the whole series.. Ain’t them Beethoven rhapsodies real elegant?”— Baltimore Bay. Not long ago an advocate of female suffrage was asked: “How would you like to have your wife running for office against you ?” and the reply was: “Nothing would suit me better. The family couldn’t ask a softer thing than that.”— Salt Lake Tribune. A browbeatin ocounsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain place. “Just four yards, two feet, and six inches,” was the reply. “How came you to be so exact, my friend?” “Because I expected some fool or other would ask me; and so I measured it.” No, my son, prize fighters never go to war. They know that a cannon ball, bent on knocking a man out in one round, doesn’t stop and go back to its own corner* merely because a man lies down. You never heard of a prize fighter fighting anywhere unless there is lots of gate money behind the fight. —Burlington Hawkeye. If man could only realize what was true happiness. It is so simple,- yet so few obtain it. The philosopher says: “Happy is the man who eats only for hunger, drinks only for thirst; who stands on his legs, and lives according to reason and not according to fashion; who provides for whatever is necessary and useful, and expends nothing for ostentation or pomj). ” — Peck’s Snn. The standard sign of gentility in a married woman is, that her husband does not evince unmistakable evidences of pronounced baldness before they have been married twelve months. A man may gradually grow bald-headed in the second year of marriage, arid society will not certainly say that his wife pulled all his hair out by the roots.— • Chicago Sun.