Democratic Sentinel, Volume 8, Number 13, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 April 1884 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Never ride a nightmare with the spur of the moment. Perhaps it’s better to be right than to be President, but it is easier to be President Some people prefer death to marriage. That’s because they never tried death. As illustrated in insurance, a write np business is not always an upright business. A Burlington mother has miraculously cored her youngest hopeful of smoking by the laying on of hands. What is the difference between a swallow-tailed coat and a boot-jack? One catches the heel of a boot and the other the toe. One would reasonably suppose that it would be difficult to collect a bill from a leather merchant when he buys leather and hides. “No,” said the Chicago editor, of his rival, “I don’t think he was druuk when l.e that editorial; when a man’s drunk he speaks\he truth.” “Oh!” said the man who had traveled, “I didn’t mind having the delirium tremens. I saw snakes and alligators and things, but it merely seemed as though I was in Florida.” “Jury,” said a Western Judge, “you km go out and find a verdict. If you can’t find one of your own, get the one the last jury used.” The jury returned with a verdict of “Suicide in the ninth degree. ” Ah! neighbor Jones, why look so sad? Worse looks I never saw; Sure something’s happened very bad — Hast lost thy lnpsher'n-law? Thy mother n-law? Alas! friend Broun, great is my woe— Of trouble I’ve my Jill; I’ve passed my semi-annual throe— I’ve paid my water bill! My water bill! —The Poei of the Asfaltus. A man can brake on a Railroad for S4O a mouth all his life, hut if a man gets broken on one he wants $5,000 in cash, and if he leaves a widow she usually puts her figures as high as slo,ojo,— Texas Siftings. An exchange speaks of a “kissing bee” organized in a Western town. We would have no objections to the kissing if the bee would present itself according to the established rules of etiquette. —Newman Independent. His Mattie wai a pretty girl, As fa r as one could be; And every time he made a call He had a Mat on knee. —Merchant Traveler. And when he had no cash with which To go and see the play, He’d give no heed to her desire, But say to Mat, “Oh, nay!” Wash. Matchel. There was a game of poker once, With two m-gn at the table, Where each piled down his little ohips As long as he was able. “Alas!” cried he who got the scoop, (For short. I’ll call him “Ba'nty,”) “I’ll have to see my ‘uncle,’ now That you have ‘seen’ my ante.” —New York Journal They do things coolly down in Tennessee. It is said of a young lady that nineteen years ago her father refused to let her go to a candy-pull. She, however, disappeared. The other day she returned, lifted eleven children out of the wagon, went into her father’s house and took off her things as calmly as though she had only been absent an hour or two. —Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. BEAUTIFUL BELLA BARNEY. Bewitched bucolic Ben became By buxom Bella Barney; Ben being backward, better blame Blonde Bells, babbling blarney. Bothered by bashfulness—Ben’s blight— Blazing became Ben’s blushes; But blinded by Belle’s beauty bright. By Wfeleful ba ks Ben brushes. By blunders bashful beings blind Become bereaved; but orazen Boldness becomes best brace behind Beginners—blooming blazon. Brightly bedecked, by barber bland, Briskly beßet by brushing, Ben breaks beyond blank bashful band, Badgered by blazing blushisg. But hlissful, beatific browse. By brooding brought both—Belle Before Ben, braced by browsing, bows — Briefly, betimes, betrothal. —San Francisco Post. THE MAN WHO WAS LEFT. Ten maids there were, Each one as fair As the other nine. Ten stars as bright, In lovely light Each other did outshine. A tender swain, With puzzled bran, Lifts up his wailing voice; And in despair He tears his hair That he qan’t make a choice. "Wail not!” they cried; “Nor woe betide: But rather do rejoics That other ten Much better men Than you have made a choice." —Will J. Lamp ton. ODE TO A BABY. See the pretty babv, Eyes so big and blue; Knows a great deal, maybe. But only says, “00, oo.” Hands like balls of cotton, Feet so pink and fat; Where can the kid have gotten Hands and feet like that? Cheeks so round and chuffy, And such a—such a nose! Hair so short and fluffy, And, gracious, see those toes! Looks at everybody As if it knew them all; IJL Does it want some toddy? Is it going to squall? Yes, it’s going to do it. Listen how it hollers! Mamma wouldn’t sell it For $200,000,000.