Democratic Sentinel, Volume 8, Number 4, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 February 1884 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

If you wish to take care of your health, take air. “Even in death they had to tie her jaw up,” tearfully remarked a Minneapolis man when called in to look at the body of his deceased wife, who lay with a bandage around her face. In answer to his remark that she had ventured away from home on a bad day, she said: “It does look like rain, but I brought my gossiper with me, and I ordered John to meet me at the station with the phantom.” Is this your property?” asked the District Attorney of a lady who had been robbed of some jewelry, as he handed her a watch chain. “Yes, it certainly is mine. ” “But how do you identify it.” “How do I? By having bought it and paid for it.” A rather green looking young fellow —though he evidently lived in the city —wont into a dry goods store and walked up to one of the lady clerks and the following conversation occurred: “I want to get four yards of wide ribbon for a girl.” “All right, sir. What color do you want?” “I don’t know. I just want four yards of ribbon, that’s all.” “Yes, but we ought to give her some color that will suit her. Is she a blonde or brunette?” “She ain’t neither; she’s a hired girl Evansville Argus. “Moses !” he called out to his son, who sat reading the paper, “vhas a war coming in Europe?” “No, sadder; dot vhas all settled oop.” “Vhas der cholera coming?” “No, sadder.” “Do you read of a sheep epidemic dot kills ’em all off und brings under price of wool?” “No.” “Vhas der cotton crop all busted?” “No, it v ]jas fine.” “Vhas der ( some more earthquakes, floods or cyclones?” “Notone.” ’“Vhell, Moses, it was all right just ter same. We begin to-morrow to mark up all goods (twenty per shent on account of der shmall-pox, which may kill off all der ;beoples next winter!”— Ex. If the proposed plan of numbering (the hours from one to twenty-four is (adopted, it will sound funny to hear (such talk as this: “Here it is nearly (half-past nineteen! Yesterday night it was twenty minutes past twenty-one 'when you came home, and the night before you never came near the house till twenty-five minutes past twentythree. This is got to stop. If you can’t get home at half-past thirteen or a quarter to fourteen, I’ll let you have (the house to yourself and go back to mother.”— Ex.