Democratic Sentinel, Volume 7, Number 50, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 January 1884 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Jsbd up—A weather vane. The Indian ring—A war-whoop. News of the week—Health bulletins The chord of sympathy is often best expressed by a cord of wood. None but the most inhuman wouj<l think of pulling down the blind. "Twtnel.3, twinkle, little star. How we wonder wha: you are.” . Wand’ring trackless space about. Does your mother know your route? -■Somerville-Journal. A wife is called a better half because I a man had better half her than not half her. P. S.—ls you don’t get on to this at first you may do so halfterward.— Merchant and Traveler. A good sister was seen staggering home last Sunday night, and when asked, to explain it she replied, “We have all been taking a pretty heavy sacrament, but I didn’t get over a pint, as the preacher communed with the jug first. Talk about me being full 1 you ought to see Sister Humpier.— Arkansas Herald. Together they were looking over the paper. “Oh, my, how funny,” said she. “What is it?” he asked. “Why, here’s an advertisement that says, *No reasonable offer refused.’” “What’s so odd about that?” “Nothing, nothing,” she replied, trying to blush, “only those are exactly my sentiments.” “Pray, my good man,” said a judge to an Irishman who was a witness in a trial, “what did pass between you and the prisoner?” “Oh, then, plase your lordship,” said Pat, “sure I sees Phelim atop of the wall. ‘Pa.idyl’ says he. ‘What?’ says I. ‘Here,’ says he. ‘Where?’says I. ‘Whisht!’ says he. ‘ Hush!’ says I. And that’s all, plase your lordsnip. ” A lady subscriber wants to know how to catch a husband. We have had no experience in this kind of sport personally, as we are unmarried; but we have known a husband to be caught by his wife as he was leaving a bar-room. From the animated conversation that ensued it seemed to a casual observer that the catching was very exciting sport.— Oil City Derrick. Did you ever think that when we get to heaven—if we do get there—most professional gentlemen will be thrown out of employment? The doctor will have nothing to do, because everybody will be well; the lawyer will have to take his sign down and seek some honest employment, because there will be no quarrels and no litigation; and the minister can’t preach his old sermons any more, because the people will be too good to listen to them. Some writer recently said that women don’t make puns; but they do. A family bought an anti-clinker stove. Finding that it did not work well they exchanged it for some old china. A visitor, looking at the china, re narked that it was very fine, and that it must have been handed down by the family’s ancestors. “Y’es,” said the young lady of the family promptly, “it is some that came down to us from Aunty Clinker. ” An Irishman was once returning from a Donnybrook fair when his horse ran away, broke loose from the cart and pitched Pat into the ditch. There he slept until mprning, when a neighbor came along, who, waking him, said: “Is that you, Patrick Moriarty?” “I don’t know whither it be or not,” replied Pat, looking around. “If I am Patrick Moriarty, I’ve lost a pair of good horses; if I’m not Patrick Moriarty I’ve found a good cart.” “My son has the elements of a good business man in him,” said a gentleman to a friend whom he met on Fifth avenue. “How so?” “Why he can sign several men’s names so natural that they couldn’t tell them from their own.” “Indeed. By the way, here is a note against you which I wish to collect.” “I never gave it.” “But your son sold it to me.” “oh, yes.” (Sotto voce) — “The scoundrel’s getting too dog-gasted smart. ” — Gilhooley’s Etchings.