Democratic Sentinel, Volume 7, Number 46, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 December 1883 — Page 6

A. MEKB OVTLINK. vt jambs ymncoHß mu. Ah, help me! but her face and brow Were lovelier than lilies are Beneath the light of moon and star That smile as they are smiling now— White lilies in a palid swoon Of sweetest white beneath the moon; White lilies in a flood of bright, Pure lucidness of liquid light That overflows some night of June, When all the azure overhead Blpoms* like a dazzling daisy-bed. So marvelous her face and brow. Their beauty blinds my fancy now. And there—the oval chin below, Carved like a cunning cameo. With one exquisite dimple, swirled With swimming light and shade and whirled The daintiest vortex poets know— The sweetest whirlpool ever twirled By Cupid’s flnger-tip—and so The deadliest maelstrom in the world. And oh!—bewilderment gone mad And riotous!—what eyes she had! Let any dew-drop soak the hue Of anv violet through and through. And then be colorless and dull Compared with eyes so beautiful! I tell you that her eyes were bright As noonday and as dark as night— As bright as are the burnished bars Of rainbows set in sunny skies, * ' , And yet as deep and dark—her-eyes— And lustrous black as blown-out

A “BUSINEŚ ARRANGEMENT.”

BY M. C. FARLEY.

She was tall and strong and resolute looking, with a handsome da?fk face that somehow impressed the beholder with the feeling that the owner .was a person of very high courage, and of more than average strength of mind, j She stood leaning lightly against one of the big stone pillars of the veranda, carelessly pulling off the tops of the long grasses that grew about her, the clinging cloth dress revealing the fine outlines of a figure that was almost statuesque in its elegance. She was saying in a tranquil tone* to fief small audience, consisting of one person only, as she scattered the heads of grass in heaps about her trim feet, that she hated lovers, and that marriage was only another form of slavery scarcely less obnoxious than that annulled by the Emancipation proclamation. “All of which I grant you, but which still doesn’t change the present circumstances,” placidly remarked her 1 ' interested auditor, as he calmly life's fresh cigar and changed his position on the garden bench. “Though I mjist confess Miss Renfrew that to my mind there is a ‘distinction with, a differ-

ence.’” , r ... The young lady frowned. “In this case it is a moneyed ‘difference’ and a moneyed ‘ distinction’ Capt. Hazard,” said she', pointedly. . “You are a great flirt, and I have heard ‘you declare a hundred times that matrimony is a folly you would neveri)4 guilty of.« “To be sure*!’; assented the Captain, lazily blowing the blue rings of smoke upon the air. “But cumstances alter cases, particularly in the presefit instance.”’ “But I do übt. cheerful sflwkfe that enragwi his fair. companioJK(tore than wqjrds omßd.have done. “But you know the terms, of. the, will as well ‘as E It is unfortunate that, while our ihutual friend' adored us both, and with her worldly goods in her last whl and testament, we'find it so hard to comply with the obligations it imposes upon us. However, you dan Tenoqjice your share of the fortune, Miss Renfrew, “by refusing to become my wife. That alternative is always left you.” She shut her teeth tightly together, and looked defiantly at her companion. She saw a tall, slightly-stooped figure, clad in the undress uniform of a Captain of the Guards. The sun that now threw his slanting beams .through the foliage of the s old elm tree shone on a face that had seen a hundred battles, and that was, aS proud and cold and resolute her own. “I am too poor to throw away my inheritance,” said she, haughtily, pulling at the grass again. “And you know that I am poor; too “For W | he. : ; And you are faking ad vantage of my poverty-/^’O >UF * & “Indeed, no,”/disclaimed the Captain, hastily; “you can always refuse to comply with the obligations laid down in the angrily. ref Wee. 31 ark that dovxn. Ca< W* **•'■ A dark bmiihdiiX.tho Cap* tain’s pale* cheeks’for an instant- afid-J he • sighedßkfMplyh But' the

sigh was cwuse by a feeling of relief Or disappointment was impossible to determine. * “Then be my wife?” “I will naarry yoii to secure my share in the estate of the late Mrs. Ford, and. for that only,” said . she, slowly, and scornnilly. 4 You. are not to suppose that Hove “Thank suppose*an& thing, «’ '?f?r. ? “It is tolia..paMlyabu!<*SssarFaiyge> ment,” shs* coh'tfhued,’ with' an angry stamp. •*— “Oh, certainly! A business arrangement only—l understand you, ” assented he, politely. “Viewing marriage in the light of a business relation will enable us to manage the whole affair with a circumspection and precision that might be wanting were we prompted by other than mercenary motives.” “I shall continue on flirting after -we —that is—l shall do exactly as I please after—” She choked and hesitated. “After we are married,” said the Captain, quietly, finishing the sentence for her. “That is to be expected, and, ’pon my word, I think I will, too. None of those hum-drum lives for me, where Darby and Joan seclude themselves from the world and its fascinations, for each other. No, Miss Renfrew, we’ll each have a hundred strings to our bow—if we can get ’em, and we will manage to spend our late friend’s money in decent though good style and have a pleasant time while it lasts. We will look upon this marriage from now on in the light of a business affair—a sort of partnership, as it were, which does not limit either one of us to any certain and circumscribed round of duties. By the terms of the will, we shall have to keep the house on the avenue open a certain portion of each year, and do some entertaining. But that is easily managed. You can have your great friend and adorer, Jackey Littlefield, at the house as often as you

like, and I hope you won’t forget to invite a few of the young ladies whom you know I have a preference for. I’m certain that we’ll get along famously in thia way.” * Miss Renfrew stared hard at the Captain. yfas there the faintest, almost imperceptible, ring of sarcasm in his words and tone? But no, that could not be. Capt. Hazard had been a flirt and lady-killer from his youth up, and the sentiments he now expressed were, of course, his real ones. Both the Captain and Miss Renfrew were the proteges of one who, though now removed by death, seemed to reach out to them her protecting arms from the grave. Both had been very distantly related to the late Mrs. Ford, though they were in no wise connected by ties of blood to each other. They were the only relatives Mrs. Ford had left in the worjd, and as a conseqttencb were her natural heirs. It had been Jier favorite plan fit life to see thosertwo obdurate people each other! and thus keep her fortupe united in the family. But, as they disappointed tier in this, and each ohe seemed to in an opposite direction as.-if anxious to conquer worlds for Mrs. Ford had given up* in despair, and in a fit of chagrin made her last will and testament after-a fkshion , peculiarly her own. foytune, valued in stocks and bonds, besides the elegant residence on the avenue,- ran up into round numbers. All this she left unreservedly to the Captain and Miss Renfrew, providing they married each other in a given length of tune. .Tailing to do this, the property whs to go to the State, the exception Eof a few hundreds.

It had been difficult, to conjecture what the Captain’s thoughts were as he listened to that. singular will. 'As for Miss Renfrew, if she was veXy liigli and mighty before she found out what the wifi was, she became twice as high and mighty afterward, and it did seem for sofne time as if the State would actually be the beneficiary after all. Neither the Captain npr Miss Renfrew were in the first fltish of youth. The Captain was 40 yfears old, if a day. H 6 had endured the hardships Wwar, and bad-come home while yet a ' very youift man, a sorf of battle-Worn hero, with a halting step that seemed the perfection of grace to the women, who immediately set him up as a god of war; and worshiped at his shrine accordingly. It’s of no use to deny but that the Captain took kindly to this Soft Of treat-* ment —men invariably do. But it -spoiled him all tile same, and he developed by degrees into one bf the most coh- • Bummate and skillful “coquettes” that ever graced or the male pert suasion. Stillthe yomen like hini all the better for this, and he went on his way fbnqrfering all before t and that exception was Miss Renfrew. When the Captain came home from the' wars, he had found, domiciled under the

at Miss Ford’s, a thin, angular gfrl t of 16, dap i phinfulbr shy and plain as.. he | waste any of his ammunition in that direction. So he had boldly carried on his manifold flinations under her keen and scomfiil eyes, and boasted of his conquests, and laughed under his breath at the readiness-with which women fell in Jove with him, and otherwise chaffed and tormented her, until the chrysalis gradually emerged from her husk of reserve and diffidence, . and developed, to the gallant Captain’s unbounded amazement, into a full-blown butterfly, capping the climax by picking up the Captain’s own weapons and turning them full upon himself. It had been said that Hazard was the greatest flirt iu; the city, but Miss Renfrew soon wrested this doubtful honor from him, and 'people now declared solemnly that, in the light of her performances in that line, the Captain’s efforts paled into insignificance. . ' The angular girl of 16, with her deep, dark eyes, and a mouth, aS Hazard ungallantly assured her, as big M her hiit, and that covered an acre—she affected the Gainsborough style and he hated it—bloomed into a magbi&c,£ut ‘woman at 26. perhaps nobody was more surp’fted than the,- Captain was himself onfPfeay, to' discover a certain party—fii& bwn exaci pattern at that—violently Renfrew *in the back |nd making certain,. Tyild and somewhat incoherent offers of*» heart, hand, arid pocket-book to that young lady. He had a dihr remembrance that these offers of himself and his possessions had been treated with scorn and contumely, and that he had bedri then and there so awfully “sat upon,” metaphorically speaking, that life, in consequence, seemed a howling wilderness IfbWome time afterwar'd. this was a long time ago. The 'Captain apparently did not take his •'disappointment • vdrj*’ much' to heart, though he. refraiped. .from '.offering the remnants of his hffefe’tions to ariybody rind' Miss Renfrew waxed, fatter /and* handsomer and wickeder, and counted Jier conquests as the Captain had done his afc^the 1 yeigs roMed . on Until ndw WsrisisTin their lives in the shape of Mrs. Ford’s will that neither one could avoid. Without this iponey they were both poor as church inice. The Captain had a beggarly pension and expensive habits, afid Miss Renfrew had the expensive habits » without the beggarly pension, and neither of them had ever earned a cent of money or did a day’s work in their •' lives. This simplified matters, and brought the obdurate couple to a focus. Not long after a wedding ceremony was celebrated with great eclat in the most fashionable church in the city, and the Captain and his wife entered at once into the full enjoyment of what Mrs. Hazard was pleased to call a “business arrangement.” Six months passed. In this short length of time, and while in the full possession of his old-time liberty, the Captain had become moody and morose, and Mrs. Hazard developed a tendency toward hysterics that even her best friends had never suspeeted her of before her marriage. She had everthing she wanted, even to the presence of Jacob Littlefield, who danced attendance - upon her whims, even more patiently and attentively than

fie ever had done before her marriage. Indeed, Ims made love to Mrs. Hazard in such a brazen and confident manner, that the Captain's hands itched to take Mr. Littlefield by the nap of the neck and the slack of the pants and pitch him head and heels out of the house. But this he dared not do. He remembered, with a feeling es burning rage, that Mr. Littlefield was a part of that “business arrangment* which we had so blindly entered into. A thousand times he cursed his mad folly in making such a bargain. A blind fool, he thought, would have known better than to do as he had done. Miserably jealous, and unhappy in the bargain, the Captain gradually withdrew from his own flirtations in order that he .might better, watch his wife. Matters went on in this way from bad to worse until one evening he discovered Mrs.'Hazard and Littlefield in the conservatory, and surprised the quondam: lover making a very frenzied declaration, and urging an elopment. “ I will that trouble/’ said the Captan turning upon his heel. Mrs. Hiteard gave a little frightened scream, as she saw her husband’s determined face. “Perhaps that last was a trifle too much,” said Jacob, hurriedly, as Mrs. Hazard left the room in pursuit of the Captain. “By jove! he looked as if he meant murder.” • ‘ Impelled by 'Some undefinable fear Mrs. Hazard hurried tq her private sitting-room. A folded paper lay qn the'table. Tremblingly she opened it. Ms Deab Wife: When j’ou read thisi' trie hateful bonds that bind us together will be broken. 1 only hope when you look down on my dead face that you may feel at least one ping of sorrow for one that has loved you, not very wisely; perhaps, but at least very well. You must certainly know that it wasn’t the money alone which prompted me to urge our marriage, for I should have urged thfe marriage if neither of us had gained a cent by so doing, because I'loved you. Hazard.

She flew rather than ran into the Captain’s apartments. As she pushed open the door, the smothered report of a pistol struck her ear; The room >as in darkness. Turning on the gas qhe saw extended on the couch before Her the body of Capt. Hazard, apparently lifeless. She was not a woman to faint, or to suddenly loose presence of foil®, ij time of a crisis. Quickly directing the servant, who answered her ring, to fetch a surgeon and .to make haste about it, »he stooped over her husband and put her hand upon his heart. He was alive though unconscious. When he came to himself again, which he did presently, he found a light bondage wound about hid head, and the first person his eyes rested upon was Jack Littlefield. . t. “I you’ll pul! through/’ said Jack. “You here,” gasped Hazard, “but 1 might know you would be. I shall look for you to follow me down to purgatory.” “Ob! But you needn’t though, if the court knows himself, and he thinks he does, you know, he never intends to bring up at that stopping place, ” said Littlefield cheerfully. “By gad, Littlefield,” panted the Captain, “if I were myself just now I’d pound the ground with you, you infernal scoundrel.” “And a blooming fine time you’d have of it, I fancy,’’retorted Jack, with a laugh. “Look here, Hazard,” he continued seriously, “If you suppose that I really wished to elope with your wife then I want to undeceive you now. That little scene in the conservatory was planned expressly for your benefit, as many others have been. Your wife never cared a silver rupee—that’s 46 cents worth, you know—for Jack Littlefield nor for any other fellow except Capt. Hazard. If you hadn’t . been blind as a mole and jealous as a Turk, besides being stuffed full of conceit in the bargain, you’d have found this out for yourself long years ago. Btefore you came home from the wars she heard your praises sounded so Continuously that she sekyou up apedesteLin her dipagination and worshiped you.’ But when you. came back rind fbok to flirting and to boasting how easy it was to make the women adore -yoti, she voWed to herself that come what would she nefiet would admit that she cared a straw for ycu. Years ago I discovered her secret and lrave helped her keep it by carrying on this tremendous flirtation that has nearly killed you, though I never had the remotest idea that you’d get so desperate over it as to make a corpse of yourself. But I’m free to say that you deserve all the bad usage you’ve had, for wheq a man marries as a dernirfr resort, he must expect to have unpleasant things happen. Still, since I find that youTdo actually care more fortyhur wife than you do for the belles and the actresses and the ballet girls who have claimed so big a share of yotir attention, •! promise -you that in future Mrs. Hazard and I will quietly fold up our weapons and flirt no more.” “The campaign seems to be over and I think the enemy is ‘ yours,’ ” gasped Hazard’; fainting dead away.

Hazard came partly back to consciousness again shortly. Littlefield was gone, and he could feel some slow, hot trs dropping on his Uncovered hands. d he hearopas in a d'team, the remembered voice of his wife calling his name in such accents as he had never heard her use before. It produced in his mind an exquisite sensation. And as. he tried, though vaguely, to collect his wandering senses, he thought vaguely that “if he ever got well and she should freeze him away, by gad, as she had done before, why, by gad, he’d shoot himself again just to hear that ridiculous but delightful nonsense repeated.” And then he dropped oft into an insensibility that lasted for days. And weeks went by before Capt. Hazard realized anything that was going on in the world about him. Eventually he recovered, though a purple scar ever after marked his forehead, which he parried to his grave. But with his return to health there was no return of that liking for belles and actresses and ballet-girls that Littlefield had complained of. Neither did Mrs. Hazard go back to her ball-rooms and her flirtations, and never after did she count her conquests on the tips of her white fingers. Indeed, even to tftis day, for all this happened long ago, if you should chance to ask Jack Littlefield what about that couple who perpetrated

matrimony as a “business arrange ment," that worthy will make a sudden grimace, after the spasmodic fashion of a sea-sick person, and belch forth “It’s a dear case of spoons—spoons on both sides, bloomed if it is isn’t.” — Chicago Ledger. _____________’

Composing in Bed.

Men have done good work while lying in bed. Their minds were stimulated by the restfulness of the bedchamber. In fact there is no telling how much of the World’s literary wealth has been accumulated between the sheets, by those who, though not “watchers and weepers, ” turn and turn again, But turn and turn, and turn in vain. With an anxious brain, ▲nd thoughts in a train That does not run Upon sleepers. Though we should not advise an imitation of the illustrious examples set forth in the following anecdotes, collected by a writer in Chamber’s Journal, yet they illustrate the penchant which certain writers and composers have had for doing their work abed: One of the best known lines in English poetry came into its author’s head when he was actually asleep. While at Minto, Campbell one evening went to bed early, his thoughts full of a new poem. About two in the morning he suddenly wakened, repeating, “Events to come cast their shadows before. ” • Ringing the bell sharply, a servant obeyed the summons, to find the summoner with one foot in bed and one on the floor. _ ■ “Afeyou ill, sir?” inquired he. “III!” cried Campbell. “Never better in my life. Leave me the candle, ■and oblige me with a cup of tea.” Seizing his pen, he set down the happy thought, changing “events to come,” into “coming events;” and over the non-inebrating cup completed the first dr aft of ‘‘Lochiel’s Warning.” Longfellow’s" Wreck of the Hesperus” erme into his mind as he was sitting by his fireside, the night after a violent storm.

He went to bed, but could not sleep; the “Hesperus” would not be.denied; and as he lay the verse flowed oh withot4 let or hindrance until the poem was completed. Wordsworth used to go to bed on returning from his morning walk, and, while breakfasting there, dictate the lines he had put together on the march. One, at least, of Rossini’s operas was composed in bed. It was in the days when he was young, poor and unknown, and lived in wretched quarters. After writing a duet, the manuscript .sbppfid off the sheets and found a rest-ing-place under the bed. Rossini was too warm and comfortable to get out of bed to recover it, and, moreover, believed it would be unlucky to pick it up, so went to work to rewrite it.. ~ . To his disgust, he could not remember it sufficiently, so he set about writing a new one, and had just finished when a Jriend came into the room. “Try that over,” said he, “and tell me what you think of it. ” The piece was pronounced to be very good. “Now,” said Rossini, “put your hand under the bed; you’ll find another duet there; try that.” His instructions were obeyed, and the original composition declared the better of the two. Then they sang both over, Rossini in bed, his friend on its edge, and arrived at the same conclusion. “What will you do with the worse one?” asked the visitor. “Oh, I shall turn that into a terzetto,” answered Rossini; and he did. Macauley read much in bed, anjJ, anxious to keep up his German, imposed upon himself the task of perusing twenty pages of Schiller every day before getting up. Maule won his senior-wranglership by studying hard, long after ordinary folk were up and about, cozily esconced under the blankets. John Foster thought his sermons out in bed. Methodical Anthony Trollope regularly read for an hour before rising. Mary Somerville made it a rule riot to get up till 12 or 1, although she began work at 8; reading, writing and calculating hard—with her pet sparrow upon her arm—four or five hours every day, but they were spent abed.— Youth’s Companion.

Values of Foreign Coins.

The following table gives a list of foreign coins and their values, as proclaimed by the United States Treasury department for the guidance of Custom House officers: Standard mone- Value in Countries. tary unit. U. 8. cur. Austria—Florin, silvt-r 40.6 Belgium—Franc, gold and silver 19.3 5, 10 and 20 franc coins* Bolivia —Bolivians, silver 82.3 Brazil —Milris, of 1,000 reis, gold 54.5 Canada-Dollar, gold s, 1.00. Central America—Peso, silver 83.6 Chili—Peso, gold 91.2 Condor, doubloon and escudo. Denmark—Crown, gold 26.8 10 and 20 crown pieces. Ecuador —Pesso, silver 82.3 Egypt—Pound of 100 piasters, gold 4.97.4 5,10, 25 and 50 piastres. France—Franc, gold and silver 19.3 5,10 and 20 f ranc jieces. Great Britain —Pound sterling, gold 4.86.65$ Sovereign and half sovereign. Greece —Drachma, gold and silv r 19.3 5, 10, 20, 50 and 100 drachmas. German Empire—Mark, gold 23.8 5,10 and 20 marks. India —Rupee of 16 annas, silver....' 39.7 Italy—Lira, gold and silver 19.3 5, 10. 20, 50 and 100 lire. Japan—Yen, gold and silver 99.7 1,2, 3, 10 and 20 yen. Liberia —Dollar, gold 1.00. Mexico—Do lar, or peso, silver 89.4 Dollar, 5,10, 25 and 50 centavo. Netherlands—Florin, gold aud silver.... .40.2 Norway—Crown, gold 26.8 10 and 20 crowns. Peru—Sol, silver. 83.6 Portugal—Milreis, 1,000 reis, gold 1.08. 2, 5 and 10 miireis. Russia—Rouble of 1,000 copecks, silver.. .63.9 Rouble, % and J$ r üble. Sandwich Islands—Dollar, gold 1.00.Spain—Peseta of 100 centimes, gold and silver 19.3 5, io, 20, 50 and 100 pesetas. Sweden —Crown, gold 26.8 Switzerland—Franc, gold an I s Iver. 19.3 5,10 and 20 fiance. Tripoli—Mahbub, 20 piasters, silver 74.3 Turkey—Piaster, gold 04.4 25. 50, 100, 250 and 500 piasters. United States of Colombia—Peso, Biver. .83.6 Champagne is said to be slowly going out of fashion in London. A Gotham brunette, says blondes are always selfish and affected. ApAMS county, Miss., has 1,303 more females than males.

Writing and Printing.

This is an age of writing. Paper k cheap, pens are good, lamps and spec taeles make night work possible anil* and comfortable. Postage is but a tenth of what it was a half a century back. Everybody writes letters either to his 'friends or to his paper, or in the interests of his business. In earlier days the teacher of English wore one pen in his cap, if of penmanship two, if of Latin three. But now children in the primary schools write with either pencil or pen, and to make one’s mark is sufficient evidence of. illiteracy. It would seem that nothing is easier than to learn reading and writing. Such is not the case. In our best elementary schools from three to five years are occupied in acquiring these simple elements of education, and if the spelling is mastered, as many more. Beading opens the door to all knowledge, and a child that can read, write and cipher is fairly well educated—at least such can amuse themselves and do business intelligently and successfully. By the phonetic method of spelling, by shorthand writing, and by the introduction of better kinds of type there is no doubt that the three B’s could be much easier acquired, and their use made much more general and efficient than by the present spelling and type. The English is a hybrid language. Its pith and core is Anglo-Saxon; Latin and French have been molded with it; its scientific and technical terms are many of Greek origin. There is, of course, a benefit in the present style of spelling which preserves and suggests the origin and etymology of the roots and prefixes which compose English words, but its spelling gives little insight as to proper-pronunciation. Over forty different sounds are represented by about half as many letters, many of which do double or even quadruple duty.

As to types and printing, these are the outgrowth of handwriting. They reflect the progress of later centuries, and have retained many useless vestiges. No doubt a far better system of type could be devised, and shapes of letters introduced, which could be easier read and less trying to the eyfe. French type is proverbially harder to read than English or American. This is due to the narrowness of French letters. In reading, no letter is examined in all its parts. The eye travels a horizontal line, cutting all the short letters at a point just below the top, as can readily be proved by covering with a cord the upper half of the short letters in a line of print, when it will be found impossible to read the line. If the upper half is left exposed and the lower covered, the line can be easily read. The eye takes the upper traek, because, including capitals and accented letters, rise above the upper part of the short letters. The letters, then, should have shapes which vary greatly in the- part along which the line of. vision passes; but type founders, on the contrary, for the sake of uniformity, have flattened the round letters —as a, c, e and o—and have rounded the corners of the Square letters. Dr. Joval, of Paris, who has published a work on the physiology of reading and writing, suggests that the letters which stand above and below the line be shortened, and, in short, that a return to the characteristics of the old types may properly be made in the interest of legibility. Putting spaces between the lines adds little to the legibility, yet much to the expense; but the spaces between the letters of words is of the greatest importance, and should be increased. —IndianqpoH* Journal.

Had the Proofs.

A hopping mad man at the Union depot wanted to see the President, Superintendent and Treasurer all at once, and it would have done him a heap of good could he have got within striking distance of even a $20,000 stockholder in any of the railroads entering Detroit. To the several queries as to what was on his mind, he finally replied: “I was coming in from Dearborn this morning, a walking on the track. My dog Bombo was with me. I’ve had that dog five years, and have been offered SSO for him. He was a little green about railroads, but on everything else he was as sharp as a razor. We had got down about a mile this side of the village when I saw a train coming.” . “And stepped aside?” “Of course I did. I own 160 acres of land and am a Highway Commissioner, but I ain’t fool ’nuff to think I’m bigger’n a railroad train.” “But the dog?” “He stopped, too. I reckon it was the fust time he ever saw a train, but he’d have bin all right if the engineer hadn’t begun to toot. The minit he heard that tootin’ Bombo began to bristle, and while the train was 500 feet away he started down the track to meet it.” “Then—- “ Wall said the man as he mopped his forehead, “it was a leetle too much fur him. An engine and five curs ought to git away with a dog any day in the year. He riz about twenty feet high, I reckon, took a slant to the left, and when he come down he broke the top oft a small tree.” “Well?” “I motioned fur the engineer to stop the train as soon as |h§. dog started. He/could have done it, but wouldn’t. Indeed, when the train* went past me he leaned out and 1-atfed —yes, sir, laffed in my face. ” “And you want damages?” “I do! I want the worth of that dog aud SSOO for the shock to my nervous system. ” “Have you any proofs?” “I should smile! Even when I’m all brake up I don’t try to put the right, boot on the left foot; see that!” And he drew from his pocket a hind leg, two paws, an ear and a piece of the lost canine’s tail and spread them on the bench. There was an expr&ssive silence in the crowd, and then the Highway Commissioner called out: “P-roofs! P-roofs! If them ain’t p-roofs who be they? Gentlemen, I never had a lawsuit nor struck a man 'n my life, but if I don’t take home a wad of greenbacks to settle this case the Michigan Central road will want a hull new board of officers to-morrow.”—-Detroit Free'Press.

HUMOR.

[From Carl PreUel’a Weekly.] . Something on foot—Socks. Did you ever hear a stove pipe ? What is the use of thinking right and doing wrong? A young man in this city said he shaved off his mustache because in drinking it got in his whey. Thebe is but little difference between a chiropodist and a farmer. They both cut the corn. In all human probability there never was a man who would acknowledge the fact that he was born in the minority. An old colored man entered a store with an old rooster spur in his hand. On being asked why he had it, he replied : “I carries dis in mem’ry ob my pet rooster 1 killed last Sunday. You know dar was some preachers at my house and I set de chicken ’fore dem an dey just Jeff me dis much." “Youb pup has just bitten me, sir” angrily exclaimed a man to his neighbor, “and if it oc-curs again I’ll be dogoned if I don’t shoot him...” “Men who stood by this Government in the hour of peril,” are still standing, but those who sat during the performance are still occupying comfortable berths. Great poverty, great riches, nor a newly-elected President can listen to reason. Don’t yield your better judgment to other people, they may forget to return it.

[From the Norristown Herald.] „ The divorce lawyer Should advertise: “Misfit marriages % specialty.” Chryssipus, the philosopher, died from laughter at one of his own jokes. Chrys was not a contributor to a London comic weekly, The ‘ididn’t-know-it-was-loaded” joke is about the only kind that kills iurthis country. * > It is said that at a recent Boston wedding the six ushers were chosen from rejected suitors of the bride. It was a grateful act to give the unsuccessful suitor an opportunity to witness the life punishment inflicted upon their suc•eessiul rival.;J | / The Princess of Wales looks lovely on horseback,fldetf'lffrer a bird.— Exchange. Those t>f our readers who iliave seen a bird ride horseback will now know just how the Princess rides. We have never witnessed such an equestrian Exhibition. A man. going home late at night saw a bayonet in the moon, and immediately predicted a war. His prediction Was suddenly verified, for as soon as* he reached home his wife; “Drunk again, eh ?” and then the war commenced. It was short, sharp and decisive., Hii ”is Chinese for “America.*” As ’‘spelling reformers,” the Chinese are away ahead of this country. None of our spelling reformers, who spell facts “fax,” would think of spelling America with only two letters. “What is slang?” asks a Boston contemporary. Well, we should remark, it is something we don’t indulge in, you bet. • A few nights ago a young lady of Pottsville, who had long suffered of spinal disease, dreamed that her health was restored, and, upon waking, she found the dream realized. This is much cheaper and more pleasant than paying doctor bills and swallowing bitter medicine; and yet there are invalids who cling to the old school treatment instead of dreaming themselves cured. They may have no faith in the dream cure, but it costs nothing to try it.

A Heavy Motive.

“I want a warrant for the engineer of No, 5.” exclaimed an irate farmer to the local Justice. “ What Jias he done ?” asked the Judge. “Run over my pig, and I’m going to send him to jail!” “Wtodon’t you see the company!” inquired the Judge. “You can collect for that pig. You can’t send the engineer to jail unless you can prove that he did it intentionally.” “I know he did, and I want a warrant !” protested the farmer,, - “The only thing I can issue a warrant for is for .a crime. Before you can convict this man of erime, you must show somd*motive. ” “Then I’ve got him!” roared the farmer. “I can show the 'motive and it weighs ten- tons! It didn’t leave enough of that pig to make a sausage skin of, and I’m** going to have that ingineer in jail, if it takes the last bristle in tlie sty and the last feather in the barn yard ? Going to give me a warrant, or are you going - to wait until next election for Justice in this county-to find out who can issue a warrant and who can’t?” And the Judge being busy, had no time to wait, but issued the documents without further . delay. Perhaps he thought a ten ton “’motive” the heaviest that had ever been before him in a criminal examination. Travelers Magazine.

Not Exactly the Location.

“Right this way here for the Bangup hotel on the European plan," vociferated a hotel runner at the depot, and then tried to grab the valise of a verdant looking granger who had just arrived with his better half on the train from Squeequnk. “Hold on there! Drat your hide, jest drop that air grib-sack will ye!” yelled the excited countryman, and, then turning tc his companion, with a knowing air said: “I know, Sally, that sounds some like the name of the hotel cousin John said we wair to go to, but he didn’t say it was on the European plan; he said it was on the corner of Main street. They arn’t a-going to fool me with enny of their city tricks, I tell you!”— Carl Pretzel's Weekly. M. Pivion defeats one of the favorite arguments of the anti-cremationists, if his statement is founded on well-ascer-tained facts, by declaring that all poisons which can be detected in a body can be as readily discovered in the ashes, so that, in cases of suspected crime, the ends of justice would not be prevented by cremation. Nature is the master of talent; genius is the master of nature.— Holland.