Democratic Sentinel, Volume 7, Number 42, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 November 1883 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

[From Texas Siftings.] Strength and health go together—with the exception of butter. Beecher allows the use of his autograph on a soap advertisement. That is one the cleanest things Beecher ever did. ' There is a marked similarity between a beefsteak and printer’s “take.” At times both are unusually “fat.” M. Worth, the Parisian fashion king, is bald-headed. That’s what happens to a man who makes so many feminine misfits. Rev. Db. Talmage says the sermon of the future will be sensational. If Talmage’s sermons of the present are not sensational, heaven help posterity in the future. A Texas horse-thief is said to have recently been riddled with shot. Speaking from pure, personal experience, we candidly declare that this is much better than being shot with riddles. If a man in Pennsylvania says: “This is my wife,” the law considers him married. So if a married actor pranoes in from left-second entrance, and wildly shrieks, “S’death, villain! This is my wife!” he commits bigamy. Traveling troupes, and other barn storm ers, now en route for Pennsylvania, will please take notice and govern themselves accordingly. The Pinchbeck family, of Austin, is considered one of the meanest, stingiest and close-fisted of any in Texas. One night a new baby made its expected appearance in the Pinchbeck family, and when Johnny Fizzletop heard the news, he said: “Golly! won’t that baby be surprised when it comes to find out what kind of a stingy crowd he has got in amongst!”

(From Carl Pretzel’s Weekly.] Something to Altar—Girls. Something to halter—Horses. A carpenter had his chest cut open by robbers. They hammered away at it until they saw it successfully accomplished. It was plane that their efforts would augur no good, as there was nothing in it. An officer had riveted his eyes on them, and when he axed them what they were doing they attempted to file off in different directions. He caught them and put them under lock and key, and the next morning the Judge chiseled them out of all the. money they had. Patient to a physician— “Can you relieve my suffering?” “I can cer.” “Why do the wild wavdb murmur?” We suppose,it is becouse they run up against the “bank” and get broke. A hard-hearted landlord took the bones away from a delinquent boarder. The bones belonged to an end-man in a minstrel show. John Henry first grazed on a gas-light jet. When he entered the hed-room assigned him. He blew from his lungs a farm-yard blow, And now is a blight little cherubim. (From Peck's Sun.] Some people never lay by anything for a rainy day. They can’t even keep an umbrella. They used to call it matrimony, but a crusty, disappointed old bachelor calls it “Matter o’ money.” Well, it may be, sometimes. A Muskegon young man has married his aunt. Now let some paragrapher begin calling the man uncle to himself, brother-in-law to his own mother and son-in-law to his own grandmother. That will do as a starter to a family complication. An exchange says “the Prince of Wales is learning to play the bones.” Wonder if the Prince is going into the minstrel business and coming over to this country to reap American sheckles to help liquidate his $3,000,000 indebtedness ? A man in Winchester county, N. Y., aimed a gun at a rat, and riddled his 300 pound wife with shot. If that man had only aimed his gun at his wife, the rat would have been sent to kingdom come. It is strange how persistent some guns are in shooting in some other direction than that which they are aimed. Yale college has added a course of 3tudy relating to railroads, and all about them. This is unfortunate. The graduates will now expect to take positions as general managers of railroads as soon as their time expires at college, and they will find it is necessary to commence pumping*& hand-car, be promoted to shoveling on a gravel train, and work up gradually to a freight and passenger train before they can run a railroad. A Yale graduate wonld mix up a narrow gauge railroad twelve mile# long so it would take a good railroad man a year to straighten it out.