Democratic Sentinel, Volume 7, Number 40, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 November 1883 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

[From Texas Siftings.] Ah exchange says that Vanderbilt grows gross. His father used to grow cabbages. A young girl in Missouri, crazed by religion, imagines herself an angel. Her case is not quite so bad as that of the young Austin dude, who, crazed by the girls, imagines himself a devil of a fellow. A Texas local reporter described a young lady’s costume, worn at an evening party, as a “rose-colored dress. ” The paper appeared the next morning calling it a “nose-colored dress,” and the young lady’s admirers are now anxiously inquiring “who’s nose?” “Aw, can you sell me, aw, a blue necktie to match my eyes, you know?” inquired an Austin dude in a gentleman’s furnishing store. “Don’t know as I can, exactly,” replied the salesman, “but I think I can fit you with a soft hat to match your head.” Then the dude withdrew from the store, a crushedstrawberry hue suffusing his effeminate features. “Going to visit Germany this winter, I hear,’’-said Mr. Plimsoll to old Uriah Pettigrew, whose reputation for -stinginess was almost sublime. “Yes, I thought I would go over in about two weeks.” “Don’t believe they will let you go ashore,” observed Plimsoll. “Why won’t they let me go ashore?” anxiously inquired Pettigrew. “Why, you know Bismarck has declared against the importation of American hogs.” [From Peck's Sun.] The contribution-box alt least welcomes liberalism in the churches. It’s suggested that Private Dalzell be put in command of the next Arctic expedition. Well, as he is an Ohio man there is a fair prospect of his “getting thay.” By all means make out the commission to Dalzell. Let no Ohio man escape. The strike that generally results in good to all parties concerned is that made by the mothers on the bosom of the boys’ pants. The boy don’t like it any more than wealthy corporations, but it does him good in the end. A health journal says: “Too thick underclothing causes unnatural redness in the face and nose. ” If a person buys his underclothing by the gallon, and puts a tumbler-full into his vital parts too thick, it probably does have that effect. Beware of underclothing that comes in jugs. A telegraph dispatch conveys tno intelligence that a young man in Texas who had been missing for several days “was found dead under a tree with a rope around his neck.” The dispatch don’t give any particulars as to how the rope came there, but as it happened in Texas it’s surmised that it’s an ordinary attack of the committee on strangulation. A common disease in that State. They are getting awful nice down in Vermont. An editor in quoting from one of Byron’s poems, in which the words “Oh, gods!” occurred, changed them to “Oh, gosh!” According to the Vermont idea, Mars, Jupiter and the rest of them were {joshes. [From Carl Pretzel’s Weekly.] Bread-makers are not loafers. Almost every -parlor in the land is a court-room. A “draw game”—The cart horse’s. Man born of woman is of a few days and full of hay fever. Lottery men are square. They Want every man to have a chance. “I’m always troubled with a lack of nerve when I think about going to the dentist’s,” said Smitherkins; “but when I get in the chair and he commences to bore around in my tooth with his drill, I find I have altogether too much of it.” It is an old saying that to make a goose nature requires considerable time and a large number of quills. Just so with a man. He can make a goose of himself with one quill in a short time. When a negro is poor and worthless we are content to call him a negro; when he is respectable and well-to-do he is an African; and when he amounts to something he is a colored gentleman.