Democratic Sentinel, Volume 7, Number 36, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 October 1883 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Am egotist’s story extends as far as the I can reach. “Look before you leap,” said the man who brushed a bent pin off the chair. The man who makes a motion to adjourn is not necessarily adjournalist. A lady writer is out with an article entitled “How to Catch a Husband." But her theory is all wrong. Ask any married woman how to catch a husband, and she will reply, “By the hair.” Clara (looking at the bonnets, etc.) — “Don’t you think they are very handsome?” Amy (whose thoughts are on the other side of the street —“Very; ’specially the one with the black mustache.” We are asked the question if water does not sometimes intoxicate. It frequently does. We have often seen barrels that were water-tight.— Drake's Travelers' Magazine. A medical journal devotes a whole column to explaining what causes cold perspiration. Any one who has gone up a dark alley and stepped on a dog would be wa sting valuable time reading it. Self-preservation is the first law of nature: “What makes chickens cojne out of their shell, they must Le so nice and warm and comfortable inside?” “P’r*aps it’s because they’re afraid of being boiled. ” Somerville takes the first prize for a tender-hearted man. He is so sensitive that he can’t bear to see or hear his wife saw wood, and when she tackles the bucksaw in the cellar he puts on his hat and walks out of the house. “I am trying to break myself of slang phrases,” said the Centralville girl, “and have been fA- some time. But actually I used the word ‘racket’ to-day before I thought, and I’m so ashamed of myself. You won’t give it away, will you ?” A CELEBRATED physician advises plenty of sleep as a means of increasing physical strength. Perhaps he is right, for a vegetarian informs us that the strength of an onion increases the longer it remains in its bed.—Sofnerviftd Journal.

A cucumber five feet long is exhibited at New Orleans. It isn’t size that counts in a cucumber, however. A little, stubby fellow, three by two inches, has proven enough to expand an ordinary sized stomach to an aches. —Pittsburgh Telegraph. the ebrand. What she said at home: "The color of your mustache,' said she, "Is just the same shade as my hair I So please go down to the store for me. And purchase a net for me 'there." What the shop girl said: "You wanted a net like your mustache I Oh! yes Your idea I get." And then to the window she went with a dash And Brought —an invisible net! —Life. , It was so natural for Dr. Watts to speak in rhyme, that even at the very time he wished to avoid it he eould not. His father was displeased at this propensity, and threatened to whip him if he did not leave off making verses. One day, when he was about so put his threat into execution, the o hild burst into tears, and on his knees said: "Pray father, do some pity take, And I will no more verses make." PROGRESS OF THE PRECOCIOUS “KID.* I. V. IX XHL One Shakes Pa Kills, Morn, School, Whales Steals, Babe’s Plays Ma “Pal” Born, Pool. Wails. Squeals. IL VI. X XIV. Time More No JailecM Goes, Years, Use, Where, Boy Drinks Gone Tears Grows. Beers. Goose. Hair. hl vn. xi. xv. All Lies, Is Soon While, Beats, Ted, Young Gets Swears, Wick- Man's Vile. Cheats, ed. Hung. IV. VTH XIL XVL Age Mid Leaves Then Ten Pa Home, Sees, Bad’s Sad To HaMen. Ma. Roam. des. —Carl Pretzel's Weekly. An American young lady singer went to Europe bearing the name of Mary Jane Boggs, and her cognomen is now Miss Nina Lafonti. It does twist some persons? names most terribly out of shape to travel across the ocean with them. It must be in the saline qualities of the water.— Norristown Herald. Oswego Times: There are few things too mean for a stingy man to do. We know of one who married a widow before her dead husband’s child was weaned, thinking she was rich. After marriage he discovered that most of the property was willed to the baby, so he had himself appointed its guardian that he might handle the money. When he went to settle his guardianship account he filed a claim of $37 against his infant ward’s estate for a wet nurse for the child. On investigation it was found that the wet nurse for whose services he charged was his own wife, the child’s mother.