Democratic Sentinel, Volume 7, Number 34, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 September 1883 — Topnoody. [ARTICLE]

Topnoody.

Mr. Topnoody was in a moral humor the other evening at supper and he introduced the subject of temperance. “My dear,” he remarked to his wife, “did it ever occur to you what a vast field of good is afforded the temperance workers ?” “Well, no, Topnoody, I can’t say I have; I’ve been so busy in the kitchen and getting my fall sewing done that really I have not considered the question,” she responded at more length than usual. “You should do so, my dear, because it is a glorious work, and woman can do more good there than in any other field.” “But how can a woman do work she doesn’t know how.” “Easy enough to learn, my dear. There is not, I presume, any woman but who knows somewhere a poor weak brother to -whom she could come as a minister of grace, and by her kindly questions, get from him his story and pour into his wounded heart the balm of Gilead.” “Does she just have to ask questions, Topnoody, and find out?” “That’s all, my dear. After that she can strengthen the poor fellow, and assist him by her counsel and more substantial means,” “If that’s the way Topnoody, I guess I’ll begin on you. ” “What, my dear? You surprise me!” “I thought I would. Now, Mr. Temperance Topnoody, tell me what is the difference between drug-store whisky and saloon whisky, and tell me again what different brands you take, that one makes ycu smell of coffee, another of cloves, another of cardamon seed, another of orris root and another of lemon peel?” “But, jny dear—” “Hold on, T. T., I’m asking questions now of a poor weak brother, to whom I can come as a minister of grace, and I’ll pour in the balm later. The next question is, why did you try to sign your name to a milk bill the other evening with your night-key, and also what principle of temperance prompted you to fill the coal-scuttle with water instead of coal, and then put the fire out and raise a frightful dust when you poured it into the stove? Yes, Topnoody, and I’d like to know, before I shake up the balm of G., to pour it into the wounded heart, why you—” But the lady was interrupted by a door slamming, and Topnoody had disappeared.—Merchant Traveler.