Democratic Sentinel, Volume 7, Number 34, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 September 1883 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

[From th? Burlington Hawkeye.) Capt. Webb was liki a great many other men who go into business on the trust-to-luck principle. He got sucked, in. King Kalakaua doesn’t want any, more Chinese immigrants. We don’t kno w just how ths Chinese feel about going to the Sandwich Islands, but w» think if they can stand it, the most certainly could. In Michigan a citizen is allowed by, law to have his will probated during) his lifetime. What that State needs is, a society'for the prevention of cruelty to lawyers. • New Hampshire records one divorce 1 for every ten marriages, and in five; terms, covering fifteen months, the St.! Louis courts granted 1,000 divorces. It looks as though it was only a question of time when this great land would get itself most successfully married. ' Last year 910 lowa mothers gave birth to twins. And yet’ the Presidential lightning hasn’t struck this State once, although two or three great and good men have been walked about in the storm, with umbrellas, and holding itheir lightning rods high up in the disturbed atmosphere. [From the OU City Derrick.) “How to Attain the Life Beyond” is |fhe title of a 50-cent book. We don’t iWant to disturb the author’s right to a monopoly of the book; but, as he failed to mention the toy pistol and the early ppple, we think he did not exhaust his subject. A sign at Titusville reads, “Buffalo Meat Market.” Investigation proved that there was no buffalo meat in the shop, never had been and never would be. This is another instance of the failure of signs in wet weather. “My first-born has gone into the fish business,” remarked a man who is in the habit of carrying a 6-months’-old child around the room from dark to daylight. “How so? asked his friend. “He was raising wails all last night,” was the reply. The Petrolea Topic sighs for a brass band. The Topic man knows not what he asks. The next thing he will cry for will probably be a visitation of the cholera. The present style of beginning advertising paragraphs with quotations from standard poets is real cute. It quite upset us yesterday to begin to read: “To him who in the‘love of nature holds communion with her visible forms, she speaks a various language,” and to find a recommendation right there to get our cigars at Daubenspeck’s. An iron manufacturer, speaking of the state of the market, says that there is a better feeling in pig. He neglected to mention it, but there is also a good feeling in sheep, lhey feel more comfortable this hot weather, since shearing. [From Carl Pretzel’s Weekly.] * Close quarters—Those in the hands of a miser. The place of eternal rent —The unadvertised store. A MAN in search of a whisky factory is on a still hunt. ; When is a man’s head level? When his legs have been knocked out from under him. The man who is always on time is prompt, but the drum-major of a baU is prompter. When a man spells cucumber with a q it cannot be said that he has lost his Cue even for a spell. Goods that have remained on hand until the cost mark is obliterated, are remarkable goods. Why is a Chinese gong like some of our big men? Because it makes a frightful noise, and that’s all there is of it. The parrot is said to be a great talker, bnt our barber can discount him. The loafer can shine in society if lie will continue .to wear his 3-year-dld broadcloth clothes.