Democratic Sentinel, Volume 7, Number 34, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 September 1883 — Page 6

THE DUDE. BY H. C. DODGE. A is the actress this dude so besets. B is his billiards, bills, bouquets, and bets. C is his cheek, cigarette, cane and collar. Dis his drinks on another man's do lar. E is his eye-glass and English airs. Fisth? free lunch Xhat he never spares. G is the girl he endeavors to mish. His his bat. just as flat as his cash. lis his ignorance, always dis- played. J is the jewelry on him arrayed. K is his knowledge of folly and sin. L is his legs that are crooked and thin. Mis his mustache, nine hairs toa side. Nis his neck- tie, a soil- ed shirt to hide. O’s his old man.whcmh; will not indorse. Pis his pocket-took, empty, of course. Qis his quarrel when he gets a kick. R is the racket that makes him so sick. 8 is his sh es very sharp at the toe. T is his tailor, who Alls him with woe. U i s his uncle, who pays ante’s . bill. Vis 'his vice that * makes him le ok so ill. W’s his washwoman scolding the beat. X is Xer. tion to keip on his feet. Yis his yawns, for he’s tired out quite. Zis the Zigzag he walks when he’s tight. —Norristown Herald.

UP THE FLUE.

u H.ovl must have some rare experiences to tell us, Mrs. Boswell,” said persuasive Lieut. Russel, while we waited for the mail stage. “You have been at this frontier post ever since Capt. Boswell was stationed here ?” “Yes; we have been here eightyears,” she replied, with the rare smile that glorified her face. “I have passed through many trying ordeals here, but I really think that I had an adventure in the East, before I married the Captain, equal to anything that I have experienced.” “Will you relate it and oblige us?” urged Russel. • . “Mrs. Boswell,” said Dan, the irrepressible youngster of our party, “Jim,” jerking his thumb toward the Lieutenant, “is out West here on purpose to spill ink for the New York papers. You can become a heroine of romance if you will.” “Thank you,” said our little hostess. “I don’t mind accepting the honor.” Three of us were sitting in an inner apartment of the small frontier'hostelry. The bar-room was packed with miners, and we had chosen to have our supper served by ourselves, as we had appointed to go on to Custer City in company. Mrs. Boswell was much below the medium size, quick of speech, light of movement as a bird, and graceful as a fawn. “It was in 18—,” she began; “I had J'ust made the acquaintance of'Capt. Jos well, he having some business matters to arrange with father, had called at our place several times. Finally, there came a rare day in autumn, and he and father were closeted the greater part of the day, overhauling papers, memoranda, deeds and receipts. My father at that time was doing a great deal of business as an attorney. “At tea-time father said to me: ‘Bess, you won’t mind an evening alone, so long as Thomas is about, will you?’ “I said no, for, although there were many robberies being committed in the neighboring cities, private families in the suburbs felt ho fear. Our house was a mile from the city proper, and a half mile from neighbors either way. “ ‘We find,’ he continued, ‘ that the Captain has got to hunt up some papers concerning the estate before he can give Barron a satisfactory title. We shall go to Judge Whitcomb’s offfice, and our search may be so successful that 11 o’clock will find us home again. Still, we may be detained .longer. Shan’t I stop and tell your cousin Milly to come down and spend the night with you ?” l^“‘No —yes,’ I contradictorily answered. ‘Do as you please; lam not timid in the least, wifli Thomas about.’ “ ‘But Capt. Boswell is going to leave $5,000 here until he returns.’ “ ’Does any one know about the money ?’ “ ‘Only ourselves.’ f “ ‘Then lam not afraid. Beside, you are likely to be back before graveyards yawn and thieves do walk abroad.’ “Thomas brought the horse round, and, while father spoke to him, I touched the Captain’s sleeve: “ ‘Where is your money left ?’ “Tn your father’s desk in the library.’ Then he looked with a tender, inquiring glance into my face (how the little woman’s cheeks flushed at the memory), and said: ‘Little girl, if you are in the least afraid, we will not go to-night, although it is absolutely necessary,’ “I told him, honestly, that I was not afraid. I never had that strata of timidity tin my make-up, peculiar to womankind; and so they rode away. “I sang about my work, as I put thjngs in shape around the room, and viewed the brilliant sunset, without a fear of care. “Thomas, our new man-of-all-work, was very busy puttering about the grounds, tying up grape-vines and mulching evergreens. I knew there was some coarse aftermath upon the hill, that father was anxious to have put on the strawberry beds, and, seeing Thomas go up there with his basket, I tied a scarf over my head, took another basket, and went up to help him. “As I passed up the hill, I saw a man in the highway speaking to him. I Jiestitated about going on, but the man made only a moment’s pause, and then went down the the hill, and was soon concealed by a turn in the highway. “ ‘Who ; was that Thomas?’l inquired. “ ‘Oh, miss, it was a man from the mills, saying that my brother has had a bad fall on the dam, and is bellowing for me to come and see him. His legs be broke entirely.’ “ ‘What will you do?’ * ‘I told the man I could not come to to see him to-day—but if I went, miss,

I would be suro to be back by 11 o’clock, if not earlier.’ “‘You may go, Thomas, if your brother is hurt so bad. Papa will not be away long.’ “‘.But, my young lady—■’ “‘Never mind me in such a case as this.’ I always was very tender-heart-ed. ‘ You may go, and 1 will njn right back to the house.’ “He talked a few moments more, was profuse in his thanks for my kindness, and then started down for the city. I took up the two baskets, and went singing to the house. “1 sat an hour by the open window, enjoying intensely this being alone, and the quiet beauty of the cool, autumn evening. “Perhaps you will wonder at this, ” and the dimples played about her pretty mouth, “but little birds were singing a new song in my heart, and the quiet let me hear the sweet echoes. “But directly I chided myself for being rather careless, as the road was a thoroughfare, and a chance straggler might-surprise me. I arose, closed my window, and, obeying some strange, impressive power, I walked through the hall into the library, took my father’s key from the accustomed place, unlocked bis desk, found the 'package of $5,000, and, placing it in my bosom, -re locked the door, and returned to the sitting-room. I did not light a lamp; I had no need'of a fire, as that from the kitchen stove warmed., the sitting-room sufficiently in this mild weather.“The house was old-fashioned, very, with a fireplace in the sitting-room opening up into a chimney of capacity sufficient for a foundry stack. We had cheerful open fires later on; but the house, being an aiffiestral pile, was getting somewhat dilapidated, and the partition separating the flues in the large chimney had fallen in. Men had been set to "clear out the riibbish and make repairs, but the work, half done, was suspended on account of the arrival of Capt. Boswell and this important business affair. “I would have enjoyed immensely to kindle a sparkling fire in the huge, wide fireplace, but as affairs were I could not. So I mused in darkness for hours. I really took no heed of time, until my quick ears caught the sound of a foot-fall approaching, close up to the doorstep, I could have taken my oath. It was so light an echo that I sprang to my feet, thinking that my cousin Milly, absent when my father called, returning later had come down to stay with me. I sprang up with a smile to answer her knock, albeit I was a bit jealous of her pretty face; but no knock came, and the echoes died out, and altogether I concluded that I had deceived myself in regard to them. Anyhow, I would light the lamp. I did so, and was startled to find it past 10 o’clock. I had gotten sufficiently aroused from my reverie now to want a book from the library shelves. I took up my lamp and went'singing into the room. “I obtained the desired volume, stepped down from the stool, and—“lf ever any one felt themselves dying I did at that moment. My song died on my lips, while a thousand thoughts seemed to flash into my mind in one instant. Involuntarily I gasped, and then with a strong effort of the will power, for which I am famous, I took up the song again and sang it to the close. “Among other things, I remembered that the lock was off the library door for repairs. I remembered the lateness of the hour and the probability that all the people were in bed and asleep. I remembered the footsteps in the dooryard, and—there was a fresh, pungent smell of tobacco-smoke in the room. A scent of smoke that was not in the room when I was there and placed the package of money in my bosom. “Do you wonder that my brain reeled and my heart stopped beating for an instant? Beside, whoever the robber was, he would soon begin work, not knowing how early my father and the Captain might return. And I should be murdered. Somewhere within a few yards or a few feet of me, the robber assassin was concealed—either in the recess behind the cabinet, or under the long, draped, paper-strewn table. “A faint sound outside nearly made me drop the lamp from my hand; still I had unconsciously left my first song and was singing: For his bride a soldier won her. And a winning tongue had he. “I knew that temporary salvation — power and liberty to leave that room even—depended upon my appearing unconscious of the robber’s proximity. “I got out of the library and found myself in the sitting-room. A hasty glance at the door showed the key allsent from the lock. “Treachery! “I wonder that this new revelation did not suffocate me. The man on the highway—the injured brother —Thomas has betrayed us. He had overheard about the money. A robber was in the house and another was outside. My retreat would be cut off. How thoughts ran riot through my mind. How would they kill me? "Would I suffer long? At that instant I was sure that I heard a faint creak of the library door at the far end of the long hall. “One swift, despairing glance around me, one wild idea of escape, and I extinguished the light upon the table, and, crouching in the fireplace, I rested one foot upon the andiron, swung out the iron crane, stepped the other foot upon the strong support, and rose up into the flue. Something touched my head. Thank God' it was the rope with which the dislodged bricks had been hoisted out. Grasping this carefully with my hands, I held myself like a wedge in the opening. If I had envied large, noble-looking women before, I now had reason to be thankful for my diminutive form and ninety odd pounds of avoirdupois. “I had little time, however, to consider anything excepting the imminent danger of dislodging a fragment of brick or mortar, , and thus discovering my hiding place, for the clock began with sonorous peals to strike 11. Under cover of its echoes there were swift, soft steps in the hall, and the bolt of the outer door was withdrawn. The huge flue must have acted like a telephone, for I heard every sound with fearful distinctness. First, there was a pause by the door of the sitting-

room, then breathing in it, then whispering. “I heard Thomas distinctly, when he said: “ ‘She isn’t here; she’s gone' to bed; but the money is in the library.’ “ ‘Be cautious,’ advised a strange voice, ‘and we may not have to hurt her.’ “They carefully retreated, and my heart struck off the seconds against my ribs, in a wav that was suffocating, for I knew that their search would soon be over, and what then ? “In less than five minutes they were whispering in the room again. “ ‘Curse her!* aspirated Thomas, ‘she took the money with her.’ “ ‘Then we’ll have it if— ’ “The pause- meant all that words could convey. “The cold sweat was coming out of every pore of my body. The dust of the creosote had penetrated my mouth aqd nostrils, and I' had to take one hand from the rope in their absence, and place a finger upon my lips to prevent sneezing. “ ‘Come, hurry!’ was the angry watchword exchanged between them, and I'heard the stairs creaking as. they ascended to my chamber. Thomas was familiar with all the house. “Why did I not drop down now and escape outside? “First, then, they had locked the outer*door and withdrawn the key, to prevent a surprise from without. Second, there might by a third‘con federate outside. But the most important rea-son-of all was, it seemed to me that I never could get out of the aperture that had allowed me entrance into the chimney. I ran the risk of discovery and death in any case. “Oh, why did not my father and his companions return ? It might be hours first. “They had found me absent from my chamber and the adjoining rooms. They no longer used extreme caution. They hurried from one apartment to the other. I could feel the jar of moving furniture, and closet doors were opened hastily. The upper* part of the house was ransacked, and then they came down tffie stairs upon the run. Time was precious to them now. With direful oaths they rummaged the lower floors, and finally returned to the sitting-room. “‘I saw the light here last,’ said Thomas, moving with Iris lamp across the room, ‘and here is the lamp on the table.’ “ ‘She must have got out.’ “ ‘No; I watched for her; and every window is fastened on the inside.’ Then he continued: ‘Curse her! she’s a witch 1’ and baffled they stood and poured volumes of oaths after me. ‘l’d like to catch and knife her myself now.’ How he ground it out between his teeth. “ ‘Shall we search more?* “‘lt’s no use; we’ve turned over everything under which a mouse could hide.’ “ ‘What, then? Shall we waylay the old man and fix him ?’ “ ‘They haven’t the money; it was left here.’ “ ‘The cellar,’ suggested the voice. “Once more they dashed out only to return in hot haste now, for there was the trot and rumble of a horse and carriage on the bridge between us and the city. “ ‘Stay,’ urged the stranger, ‘trump up some kind of a story, and we may secure the money yet. ’ “ ‘I would,’ replied Thomas “but the girl’s a witch, and lam just as sure that she is somewhere near us all the time, and would hand me over to justice’— “There was a scamper outside and the sound of feet running toward the river came down the wide mouth at the top of the chimney. Father and Capt. Boswell drove in the yard and up to the door, just as the clock struck 12. “‘Thomas!’called my father, in his ringing tones, ‘come and take care of the horse.’ “Receiving no response from his us-ually-punctual factotum, he sprang up the steps and uttered an exclamation of horror at finding the door open. “ ‘Boswell,’ said he, ‘we certainly saw a light here when we came dewn the hill.’ “ ‘Quick, Jason,’ said the Captain, ‘there has been foul play here.’ “‘Foul play? My God! my poor little girl.” “ ‘Father,’ I strove to call, but the first attempts, choked in dust and soot, ended in a hysterical hiccough. “ ‘Where is that? What is it ?’ called my distracted father, and both men dashed for the library. “I now strove to descend, but the movement brought down bushels of mortar and broken bricks from all sides, and closed up the flue. I bethought me of the rope, and by sticking my toes in here and there, I went up the chimney hand over hand. “Agile as a cat, when I reached the top of the low chimney I sprang down upon the roof and began calling loudly for father. “You should have heard " them run through the hou-e and halloo before they located my voice. At last the Captain came out of doors. “ ‘Will you get me a ladder, please,’ said I, ‘I want to get down from here.’ “‘A ladder, Jason,’ shouted the Captain, ‘the little girLis on the roof.’ “ ‘For the love of Heaven, girl, how came you there ?’ said my father, as I landed upon the ground and began shaking the soot from my clothes. “ ‘I went up there through the chimney, papa. But you had better put up the horse —you will have to groom him yourself to-night—and then I will tell you all about it.’ “The Captain led me into the house, for I was trembling violently. “ ‘Now,’ said father, being absent only a moment or two without letting me have time to mop the smut from my face and hands, ‘now tell us whato this means—my little girl climbing the ridge-pole like a cat at midnight ?’ “In a few moments matters were explained. “ ‘Thomas, the villain!’ ejaculated my father. ‘l*ll have him if I have to hunt the two continents for him, and he shall have his deserts.’ “Hte kept his word. Thomas got a term in the State’s prison. “When I gave the-Captain his money I should have burst out into hysterical sobbing, only I remembered the soot

in time to prevent shading myself in black crayon; and Capt. Boswell believed that stature and bulk xyere not always certificates of the best materials, and”— “And," finished Dan, our jester, “it may be .paid, Mrs. Boswell, that you actually flue to his arms.” She smiled and bowed, as the sonorous tones of the driver came in among us: “Stage ready, gentlemen.”

Mr. Topnoody’s Wife.

When Mr. Topnoody • came hime to •tea he found his wife in a new calico dress and looking quite tidy, says the Merchant Traveler. “Aha, my fair one,” he said, gallantly, “you look charming.” “How?” she asked, looking at him closely. “You look charming, my deary.” “Been drinking again, have you?” “No, my dear; but you do make a fine appearance this evening, and if there is one thing I admire more than another it is a handsome, well-dressed woman.” “In a 5-cent calico, yes. I suppose . if you had paid $5 a yard for this you wouldn’t be so complimentary. That’s men’s ways. ” “But, my love, a dress need not cost much money to be becoming, and that one makes you really pretty. A friend to-day down the street was complimenting’ you on your good looks.” “Is that so? Was he after you for a subscription of some sort?” “No, my dear; it was a case of spontaneous admiration.” “And I received a compliment for you also.” “No?” said he, with an inquiring smile and a smoothing out of his face. “Yes; a lady told me she thought you were such a good man, and that when she looked in your face she could see in it evidences of a kindly spirit, a good heart, a generous nature, a manly courage, a noble soul, and all the other evidences of a model husband.” “Ah. my dear,” and Mr. Topnoody’s face was one broad expansion of •selfsatisfied smile, “that was delightful to you, wasn’t it ? And what did you say ?” “Oh, nothing much. ” ’ “But, my dear, you should have at least thanked her. ” “Well, I did thank her.” “Nothing else?” “Yes; I told her that appearances were always deceitful, and that ( it wasn’t a good thing to judge of a last year’s corpse by the fragrant flowers on the grave.” Topnoody ceased smiling.

Cooling Off a Composing-Room.

The composing-room of the New Orleans Picayune is situated in the upper story of its publication-house, just under the roof, and in summer is exceedingly hot. Last season an inspiration seems to have come to one of the oppressed occupants, and in accordance with it a vertical wooden box was constructed in the corner of the room, .with openings at the floor and ceiling, and furnished with a pipe for supplying water at the top and a pan and drain at the bottom for receiving and carrying it safely away. The supplypipe was bent over the upper end of the shaft, and fitted with a nose like that of a watering-pot, so as to deliver a shower of spray instead of a solid stream. On connecting it with the service-pipe, the movement of the water was found to cause an active circulation of the air in that part of the room, which was drawn in at the upper opening of the shaft and issued again, cool and fresh, at the floor level. The most surprising thing about the experiment seems to have been the effect of the water in cooling the air to a degree much below its own temperature. With Mississippi water, which when drawn from the service-pipe indicated a temperature of 84 degrees, the air of the room, in which the thermometer at the beginning of the trial stood at 96 degrees, was cooled in passing through the length of the shaft to 74 degrees, or about 20 degrees below the temperature at which it entered, and 10 degrees below that of the water which was used t© cool it. Of course the absorption of heat by the evaporation of a portion of the water accounts for its refrigerating effect, but the result seems to have been so easily and inexpensively attained, that the experimen t would be wor th.repeating.— Helen Campbell, in The Continent,

“The Specter of the Brocken” in America.

Mr. R. A- Marr, of the Coast and Geodetic Survey, reports that he has -witnessed this atmospheric phenomenon in the Tonjabe range, in Nevada. In describing its appearance he says: “Suddenly, as I stood looking over the vast expanse beneath me, I saw myself, confronted by a monster figure of a man standing in mid-air before me, upon the top of a clearly-defined mountain peak, which had but the thin air of the valley below for a resting-place. The figure was only a short distance from me. Around it were two circles of rainbow light and color, and the one faintly defined as compared with the inner one, which was bright and clear and distinctly iridescent. Around the head of the figure was a beautiful halo of light, and from the figure itself shot rays of color normal to the body. The sight startled me more than I can tell. I threw up my hands in astonishment, and perhaps some little fear; and at this moment the specter seemed to move toward me. In a few minutes I got over my fright, and then, after the figure had ‘faded away, I recognized the fact that I had enjoyed one of the most wonderful phenomena of nature. Since then we have seen it once or twice from Jeff Davis’ peak, but it never created such an impression upon me as' it did that evening when I was doing service as a heliotroper all alone on the top of Arc Dome.” Paris has twenty-three libraries, which it is proposed to increase innumber to forty. More than one-half of all the books read are novels. In Virginia they are making flour of peanuts, and it is praised. It is customary in Georgia to pound the nuts for a pastry.

Mean People.

One of the oldest things in the world is the fact that mean people do not know that they are mean, but cherish a sincere conviction that they are the souls of generosity. You will hear them inveighing loudly against a neighbor who does not come up to the standard of a generous man, and decrying the sin of hoarding and withholding, without being sensible in the least that they are condemning themselves. They are usually people who are not in the habit of self-criticism, and if they were not amusing they would be the most aggravating class alive. Moreover, they are generally people who are not only willing to receive, but who demand a great deal at the hands of others; yet the example of their friends jin giving and lending never seem to strike them as at variance with their own line of conduct, and if by any chance they part with a farthing, it appears to them a more magnanimous act than the founding of a hospital by another. The mean person must be brought to a lively sense of the need before opening her purse; as for beggars she disapproves of them altogether ; they are as pestiferous as the mosquito in her eyes, and ought to be .legislated out of existence. We do not, however, always find the mean person among the rich; ahe’is quite as likely to be poor; indeed; one of the great advantages of poverty is that it often obliges one to seem small, obliges one to think of the candle-ends when one would prefer to think of better things. jMoney does not make a person mean ■necessarily, or we should not all be struggling so desperately to obtain it; Kt ought rather to be a preventive. .The disease lies in the disposition of (the individual, and it is doubtful if any circumstances can eradicate it; and, while in this view we may easily iforgive her, we find her vastly inconvenient to deal with. If she is the employer, the mean woman is apt to get As much work from her servant as possible. On some pretext or other she Retains her seamstress after her regular /lay’s work is over, underpays her wash-er-women, or exchanges old c uds for clean linen; keeps the servants’ fires low, or pays their wages with cast-off jfinery. Sometimes indeed, it is the who gives poor work for liberal payment; sometimes it is the husband ■who dines sumptuously at his club, while his family sit down to spare diet; Sometimes it is the landlord who obliges Jthe tenant to make his own repairs or go shabby; sometimes it is the neighbor who borrows but never lends; the manufacturer who adulterates food or drugs; the step-mother who feeds children on skimmed milk; the mother-in-law, who grudges her son’s wife the fallals she Jias not been used to, or the daughter-in-law, who makes her husband’s mother feel like a stranger in her home. Indeed, meanness is such an unloyely trait that it is no wonder we all disown it.—Harper's Bazar.

Buffalo Bill’s Duel with Yellow Hand.

! One of Bill’s comrades told the story of the scalping: “It was just after tne massacre of Custer,” he said. “Bill was with Gen. Miles at the head of the scouts. They were trying to cut off Yellow Hand from Sitting Bull. Early in the morning Yellow Hand rode up at the head’of a war party and challenged Bill to an open combat. Gen. Miles ,and others tried to dissuade Bill from accepting the challenge. He replied that a refusal to accept it would ruin his prestige among the savages, and that was something he could not afford to lose. He told Yellow Hand that he would fight him. The two armies were ranged less than a mile apart. Six mounted scouts accompanied Bill and six mounted Brule Sioux rode forward with Yellow Hand. They were ijp open the fight on horseback with rifles. Their escorts drew aside, and the combatants dashed forward. Yellow Hand began to spin around Bill in a circle, and Bill began to circulate on a circle himself. Around and around they went like swallows in the air. Both*white men and savages were eager spectators. Each combatant had his leg over his horse’s fqre shoulder, and each was swinging head .downward, awaiting an opportunity for a fatal shot. They fired so close together that it sounded like the crack of one rifle. In a twinkling both horses were biting the dust. Bill was as spry as a cat. He was on his feet before his horse struck the ground. Yellow Hand was partly pinried to the earth by the of his pony. The two men were not over seventy feet apart. Before the chief could extricate himself Bill had shot him through the body. ■lt.was, however, a flesh wound. Yellow Hand gained his feet, drew his and went for Bill like a demon. The Indians were yelling like hyenas, and Miles* troopers were rendJing the air with their shouts. Yellow Hand’s knife went through Bill’s hunt-jing-shirt, barely scfaping the hide. (There was a quick struggle, some labored breathing and gritting of teeth, jand Bill’s knife slid between the chief’s 'ribs and pierced his heart. He fell lifeless on the plain.. In a second Bill his topknot and yanked the scalp from his head. With fiendish l screams the Indians poured down on him. But old Miles’ troopers were there on time, and there was as lively An Indian fight as was ever seen in the Big Horn country. Yellow Hand lost his scalp, as well as his life, and his soul never reached the happy huntingground.”—New York Sun.

Selfishness.

' Poor human nature, which viewi the universe from the standpoint of its own interests, is illustrated in this anecdote: ' A Scotch farmer was greatly exercised regarding the safety of his haycrop. The weather, though often threatening, favored his efforts till he succeeded in getting it safely gathered in, being in this respect more fortunate than several of his neighbors. After seeing the last wisp of straw tied round his stacks, he exclaimed, with a pelfsatisfied air: “Noo, sin’ I hae gotten my hay a’ safely in, I think the warld would be greatly the better o’ a guid shower.” It takes a sledge-hammer to “strike it right.”

HUMOR.

[From th? Burlington Hawkeye.) Capt. Webb was liki a great many other men who go into business on the trust-to-luck principle. He got sucked, in. King Kalakaua doesn’t want any, more Chinese immigrants. We don’t kno w just how ths Chinese feel about going to the Sandwich Islands, but w» think if they can stand it, the most certainly could. In Michigan a citizen is allowed by, law to have his will probated during) his lifetime. What that State needs is, a society'for the prevention of cruelty to lawyers. • New Hampshire records one divorce 1 for every ten marriages, and in five; terms, covering fifteen months, the St.! Louis courts granted 1,000 divorces. It looks as though it was only a question of time when this great land would get itself most successfully married. ' Last year 910 lowa mothers gave birth to twins. And yet’ the Presidential lightning hasn’t struck this State once, although two or three great and good men have been walked about in the storm, with umbrellas, and holding itheir lightning rods high up in the disturbed atmosphere. [From the OU City Derrick.) “How to Attain the Life Beyond” is |fhe title of a 50-cent book. We don’t iWant to disturb the author’s right to a monopoly of the book; but, as he failed to mention the toy pistol and the early ppple, we think he did not exhaust his subject. A sign at Titusville reads, “Buffalo Meat Market.” Investigation proved that there was no buffalo meat in the shop, never had been and never would be. This is another instance of the failure of signs in wet weather. “My first-born has gone into the fish business,” remarked a man who is in the habit of carrying a 6-months’-old child around the room from dark to daylight. “How so? asked his friend. “He was raising wails all last night,” was the reply. The Petrolea Topic sighs for a brass band. The Topic man knows not what he asks. The next thing he will cry for will probably be a visitation of the cholera. The present style of beginning advertising paragraphs with quotations from standard poets is real cute. It quite upset us yesterday to begin to read: “To him who in the‘love of nature holds communion with her visible forms, she speaks a various language,” and to find a recommendation right there to get our cigars at Daubenspeck’s. An iron manufacturer, speaking of the state of the market, says that there is a better feeling in pig. He neglected to mention it, but there is also a good feeling in sheep, lhey feel more comfortable this hot weather, since shearing. [From Carl Pretzel’s Weekly.] * Close quarters—Those in the hands of a miser. The place of eternal rent —The unadvertised store. A MAN in search of a whisky factory is on a still hunt. ; When is a man’s head level? When his legs have been knocked out from under him. The man who is always on time is prompt, but the drum-major of a baU is prompter. When a man spells cucumber with a q it cannot be said that he has lost his Cue even for a spell. Goods that have remained on hand until the cost mark is obliterated, are remarkable goods. Why is a Chinese gong like some of our big men? Because it makes a frightful noise, and that’s all there is of it. The parrot is said to be a great talker, bnt our barber can discount him. The loafer can shine in society if lie will continue .to wear his 3-year-dld broadcloth clothes.

The Mosquito at Close Quarters.

Viewed through the microscope the mosquito presents a picture of mechanical ingenuity' as marvelous in execution as it is devilish in design. In the bill alone, which seems so fragile to the unaided sight, there is a combination of five distinct surgical instruments. These are, a lance, two meat saws, and a suction pump. The fifth instrument I have forgotten, but labor under the impression that it is a portable Corliss engine to run the rest of the factory with. I know that the hum of the mosquitoes in the cottonwood thickets along the Lower Mississippi reminded me constantly of the hum of a manufacturing village, and 'several times I walked back several miles looking for a town before I could convince myself that the buzzing I heard was made by mosquitoes/with their engines running to sharpen their saws. When the insects operate on a man the lance is first pushed into the flesh, then the two saws, placed back to back, begin to work up and down to enlarge the hole, then the pump is inserted, and the victim’s blood is syphoned up into the reservoir carried behind,' and finally, to complete the cruelty of the performance, the wretch drops a quantity ,of poison into the wound to keep it irritated—Forest and Stream.

A Novel Fire Escape.

The last invention for the protection of theater audiences is a “penetrable safety wall,” which has been patented by an engineer at Kottsbus, Germany. iThe plan is to make the interior walls in all parts of the theater of papier mache, made after a certain method. Such a wall will have the appearance of massive stone, but by pressure upon certain parts, where the words are to be painted in luminous letters, “To be broken open in case of fire,” access to the exterior corridors is to be obtained, whence escape to the outer air can be made.— Popular Science Monthly. There are said to be 676,250 Presbyterians on the long roll of the Gen--1 eral Assembly of Canada.