Democratic Sentinel, Volume 7, Number 33, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 September 1883 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

[From the Burlington Hawkeye.? Lower California is said to be full of gold and copper. So is the United States Treasury. That is all the good it does us. “Prisoner, it is charged that you have three wives.” “Taint so, Judge. I an’t so unhappy as I look. I alus wuz a disconsolate-lookin man, but I hain’t got nary one.” A West Hill man refused to buy a velocipede for his son, because be said the boy didn’t know how to take pictures with one if he had it, and he would poison himself trying to learn. W. F. Grant, of Harmony, Me., says he has a horse which has killed and eaten several of his lambs. Probably he turned the animal loose in a Maine pasture and the poor horse had to eat something. The Government of the United States does not own one acre of land in Tennessee. We understand that the Government, as soon as it found that it owned some Tennessee laud, gave it away. It had to be quick about it too, or the State Treasurer would have got hold of it. [From the Aakansaw Traveler.] In de eyes ob do worl’ luck makes a smart man outen a fool. Dab’s only a mighty short step ’twixt selfishness and dishonesty. It is strong selfishness flat makes a man steal. De man wid a thinkin’ mind is neber alone ’cept when he’s in company, an’ is neber in company ’cept when he’s alone. De man what doan care ter be credited wid de work what he himself does ain’t keen ter gin credit ter oder people fur what da do. Too much ’portance can be laid ter de openness ob de qye. De owl is got a heap bigger eye d'en de fox, but he ain’t got half as much sense. De dishones’iman often looks up while de hones’ man looks down. De smtit head ob wheat stan’s up straight, but de real head ob grain bends ober. When a man prube eberything what he says I’se sorter ’spicious, but when he wants ter bet on eberything he says I knows dat "he’s a liar. When a rich man is short in his accounts folks says, “what a pity,” but when a po’ man is short da say, “what a rascal dat feller is. I al’ers know’d dat he was a thief.” Imitation is sometimes prized higher den de ’riginal. De mockin’ bird what crows like de crow fe more ’spected dan de crow, but he suffers on dis account, fur de white folks put him in a cage. It is a pity dat all imitators ain’t shet up. “Snow me a sensible man who is opposed to capital punishment!” exclaimed a lawyer, while in conversation durihg a recess of court. “I am,” replied a gentleman sitting near. “And why so, sir? give your reasons.” “Because I am sentenced to be hung next month.” [From Carl Pretzel's Weekly.] The only way some editors could get out a gritty paper would be by printing it on sand-paper. Jay Gould may not count his friends by the thousand, but they count him by the million. The gray dawn of an intellectual revolution sticks out like the cellar door of the corner gpocery. Be not ashamed to shed an honest tear. If tears are a sign of weakness, it is a noble weakness. An editor who lives three miles from his office, and has to foot it, has no trouble about his circulation. If black is an absence of all colors, we can’t imagine what fun there is in attending a minstrel show. “John,” said the foreman, “where is that article about ‘ Dried Apples ?’ ” “I made ‘pi’ of it,” was the answer. The reason that women operators cannot work as fast as men is probably due to the fact that they sit down and wonder all about the dispatch before sending it, and then keep half of the message to talk about during dinner hours.