Democratic Sentinel, Volume 7, Number 29, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 August 1883 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

A household pet—A car-pet. Tax hire class—All sor ts of laborers. The man who offers you counterfeit coppers shows bad cents. The Brooklyn bridge caused a good deal of "wire-pulling” in New York. The leather dealer does not insist upon harmony of opinion among his customers. He likes to have them take sides. “God vas gif a mans a oonbles eyes,” says Carl Pretzel, “und one tongue, on ackound to look a couple of times out before you speaks once.” “Is that dog mad?” he asked the boy as the animal dashed by. “I reckon he is!" replied the boy; "I just see a butcher take a piece o’ meat Eway from him and kick him six feet into the air. Wouldn’t you be mad if that was done to you ?”—Boston Post. The high-school girl explained to her particular friend that “He kicked the bucket” was slang, and that the polite expression was “He propelled his pedal extremeties with violence against a familiar utensil used for thp transpor- , tation of water and other fluids.”— OU City Derrick. From the French: Young B. carried a piece to Gondinet, and asked him to note with a cross the scenes that appeared to him to be defective. Some days afterward Gondinet returned the manuscript. “Not a single cross, dear master!” “No; your comedy would look like a cemetery.” “Did you see that big meteoric display last night ?” asked Gus De Smith of Gilhooly. “When did it come, Off?” “About 9 o’clock Didn’t you see it?" “No, of course I-jdidp’t. I Jive out in the suburbs, and never get a chance to see anything that i» going op after dark in the business portion pf th a. city. ” Texas Siftings? * A Milwaukjsk'. lawyer, .has. been disbarred because,, da order to. -induce a. man to became his client, he made a ridiculous prrmuse & frig verdictof damages, when infacihe knew there was no possibility of recovering a dollar. SlieuM'tjiiP l/eeoniqT £pidenu£ what are vte tb do’ fbr'lawyers to law for us ?— ‘Chicago. Cheek. ... “Charlie is -a. brave fellow,” remarked Brown. “Few men would care to go about at night as he does, unarmed. I should think that he would be afraid that pomebody would take his life.” “Nonsense!” exclaimed Fogg; “robbers never take anything that is utterly worthless. They might take his money, but his life, never.” The latest anecdote about the old lady who thinks that she “knows everytliing” is about hoW she went to a church sociable, and as she entered the room the young ladies said: “Good evening, auntie, wo are glad vou came; we are going to have tableaux this evening.” “Yes, I know, I know,” was the reply; “I smelt ’em when I first came in.” Once, when Judge Story was called upon to defend a woman accused of murdering her husband, he adduced as one of the proofs, of her innocence the fact of her having attended him on his death-bed, and said to him, when he was dying: “Good-by, George.” The counsel for the plaintiff declared this ought rather to> be taken as a proof of her guilt, and that the words she had used were: “Good, by George.” JONES. AN©' GRACE. A witch, A switch, * And a gay deceiver: A dash;. A crash — O, why died he leave her? A groan, A monni, And: an exctamatioa; Once more. Fresh gore, With reiteration.. She cries, He flies, For she's gettimr balky. Good-by. Dude fly. Sinner from. Milwaukee. —New York Morning Journal). He wanted to be a humorist. He went out into the woods to draw inr spiration from nature, was gone- two days; at the- end of the second day, feeling as if the divine afflatus had descended and. crowned him king of humorists, he came back and perpetrated a joke on his mother-in-law.. Her sob was so well pleased with it that ho kicked him all over town, and then telescoped him. He now feels as if, m a well-stuffed reclining chair, he might be umpire for a prize-fight.—fSiirZ Pretzel's Weekly. Not long ago, as aof elderly couple were out walking, a lady on the opposite’side of the street tripped and fell down. The old gentleman: rushed across- the street, raised his hat, and offered to assist her. in any possible way. His wife followed him across at a slow pace, and witnessing his devotion to the stranger, she got mad, and shook her fist at him. “It’s all right—it’s all right,” he whispers 1. “Yes, I know* it is*,” she hotly exclaimed; “here an unknown woman hurts her toe, and you plow across the street to eat her up with kindness. • The other day when L fell down-stairs you stood,and laughed, and chuckled, and tickled your ribs, and wanted to know if I was practicing for a circus.”