Democratic Sentinel, Volume 7, Number 14, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 May 1883 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

Woman’s sphere—that she will never get married. Hint to a lazy man —Endow a free bed in a hospital and occupy it yourself. Mexico must be a slippery place—on account of the number of “greasers* there. Way is a fishmonger the most prudent of merchants ? Because he always sells c. o. d. No matter if the postage is reduced, it is just as much trouble to lick a2-cent stamp as a 3-cent one. A poet says: “Can not a man be wise without a beard ?” The old Hairy; he beard-arn fool if he couldn’t. “Thank heaven!” exclaimed a fond father as he paced the floor at midnight with his howling heir; “thank heaven you are not twins!”

A debating society will tackle the question: “Which is the most fun —to see a man try to thread a needle or a woman try to drive a nail ?” A New York man committed suicide in sheer disgust. A Pennsylvania backwoodsman asked him if New York had ’got big enough for street cars yet. It has been discovered by a localphilosopher that “taken from life” and . “kicked by a mule” are synonymous expressions ; they mean the same thing. Young ladies who are pining to paint “flower pieces” are reminded that the flower piece that is the most attractive to the marrying man is a batch of good bread. “The best thing I ever read!” exclaimed a book reviewer, as he perused his uncle’s will and found that the sensible lamented had left him a snug bequest. It has been remarked that every miner knows his lode, but the history of the rise and fall of the toy pistol has proven that every minor doesn’t know bis load. Telegraph wires are so numerous on some of the streets in Chicago that people living on a fourth-floor flat can sift their ashes by merely throwing them against the net work. A Philadelphia man who has tried it tells us that the only reason why a sufferer’s head don’t come off when having a tooth pulled is because the tooth gives way first. Fogg had a tooth which troubled him exceedingly, but he wouldn’t have it out, not because he was afraid to, as some of his detractors affirmed, but because he wished to retain it as a keeps ache. “Why,” asked a governess of her little charge, “do we pray to God to give us our daily bread. Why don’t we ask for four or five days a week ?” “Because we want it fresh, ” replied the in-, genious child. -An Elmira man has contracted to supply an Eastern firm with 1,000,000 broom handles. And yet it is necessary to introduce the whipping-post in several States for the punishment of wife-beat-ers!—Norristown Herald. “Yes,” said she, with tears in her eyes, “in his qualities of head and heart dear George is always the same. ” Then, after a moment’s lapse into dreamland, she added; “He is so soft-hearted, dear fellow.”— San Francisco News-Letter.

An English Bishop querulously remarked to his servant that he was dying. “Well, my Lord,” said the good fellow, “we are going to a better place.” “John,” replied the prelate, with an air of conviction, “there is no place like old England.” A lecturer, discoursing on the subject of “Health,” inquired: “What use can a man make of his time while waiting for a doctor ?” Before he could begin his answer to his own inquiry, some one in the audience cried out: “He can make his will.” A New Hampshire .wildcat sprang from a tree at a boy and landed in a kettle of boiling sap. The disgust Which the animal felt over its faux pas (and the rest of its body for that matter) entirely took away its appetite.— Boston Post. “Without joking, will you tell us what kind of a thing a ‘dude’ is ?” asks a lady correspondent. Certainly. A “dude” is no thing. It is merely an apology for a human being, and is too Weak to be bad and too tame to be wild. —New York Advertiser. A Western colporteur was once conversing with an Illinois man on his religious duties. Said he: “Do you attend church regularly?” “O, no; I never go to church, but I alters make it a p’int to attend all the funerals. They be jest as solemn, and thar isn’t no kerjections.” “Betie,” is scrutinizing intently a business card. Underneath the name is inscribed: “U. S. Marine Corps.” “Mamma, ” she says, suddenly. “Does Col. B. make corpses?” “I suppose so, dear, ” says mamma, “when he goes to war.” “That’s the reason he has corpses on his card. It’s his business card; I see.” —and Betie was satisfied.