Democratic Sentinel, Volume 7, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 March 1883 — HUMOR. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR.

The first theft: The baby’s crib. A friend every man turns his back on: His bed. An obscure, but yet not wholly unintelligible joke in regard to the mule is that “though he cares very little for precious stones in general, yet he generally affects topaz.” Canal mules do so? Con. by a wandering Briton: What is the difference between the City Fathers and the front benches at a burlesque show? One is a Board of Haldermen, and the other a horde of balder men. The man with a cheap Derby hangs it on the peg; but the man with a Derby lined like a coffin, and bearing the imprint of the swell hatter, always lays it down so that he who runs by may read the legend of its maker.— Puck. “How interesting these men of letters are, Susan!” “Do you think so?” replied Susan. “Now, I think the letters of men are more interesting,” at the same time holding up a dainty looking epistle she had received from “somebody.” That was a frank reply to a friend’s intimation of his approaching marriage: “I should make my compliments to both of you; but, as I don’t know the young lady, I can’t felicitate you, and I know you so well that I can’t felicitate her.” —Paris Figaro. ON AN OPERA COUPON. A bit of card that's black and blue • Remindethme, also, of you! It shows me, as this cola world goes, How Heaven opens, then comes to close. You Smiled, and I, in glances caught, For thee and me two tickets bought. The opera o’er, a smile for me— This coupon’s all that’s left for thee. When Mrs. Fogg asked her lord and master for a fur cloak and he replied that, really, my dear, I cannot fur get you, she did not feel so bad because she couldn’t get the cloak, but was quite broken down by the heartless manner of a man who could make a pun on a matter of such transcendental importance. • . „ Amkie was 6 years old, and was going to school with her sister of 9. One afternoon when school was near its close, her uncle came by and proposed to carry them home. The elder girl was at the head of her .class, and would not leave, but Annie said: “All right, Uncle Buck! I’ll go. lam foot, and I can’t get any footer?”— Youth’s Companion. A gentleman living in Austin is in the habit of receiving every year a venison ham from a friend living in the country. The Austin man desired to convey the gentle hint to his friend that two venison hams would be more acceptable than one, so he wrote: “Has your friendship for me grown cold, or the deer, in your section only have one hind leg?”— Texas Siftings. The Medical and Surgical Reporter is authority for the assertion that headache can be cured by wearing spectacles, and cites several instances where the experiment has been successful. We believe the statement implicitly. The homoeopathic principle is that like cures like. We all have heard of the adage that a hair of the dog will cure his bite, and as headaches are frequently brought about by glasses, it is not at all improbable that they can be cured by the use of glasses. Spectacles, therefore, will cure the man who makes a spectacle of himself.— Texas Siftings. “Would you object to a piece of criticism ?.” said a planter to an Arkansaw state official. “Oh, no,” replied the official. “It is the privilege of every one of my constituents to deliver a criticism. An officer is only a public servant, you know.” “Won’t object, then, if I criticise you?” “Certainly not.” “Won’t get mad if I tell you what I think ?” “No, sir.” “Well, then, what I wanted to say is that you are a fool.” Afterwards, while at the doctor’s office he referred to the official by saying: “He told me he wouldn’t get mad at criticism, but he is a liar. — Arkansaw Traveler.

Ma was out on one df her professional engagements, and I got in bed with pa. I had heard pa blame ma about her cold feet, so I got a piece of ice about as big as.a raisin box, just zactly like one of ma’s feet, and I laid it right against the small of pa’s back. I couldn’t help laffing, but pretty soon pa began to squirm and he said, ‘Why’n ’ell don’t you warm them feet before you come to bed,’ and then he hauled back his leg and kicked me clear out in the middle of the floor, and said if he married again he would marry a woman who had lost both her feet in a railroad accident. Then I put the ice back in the bed with pa and went to my room, and in the morning pa said he more’n a pail full in the night.— Peck’s Sun.