Democratic Sentinel, Volume 5, Number 43, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 December 1881 — John’s Little Joke. [ARTICLE]

John’s Little Joke.

‘ Well, I snum 1” exclaimed Uncle Phil Wheeler, in his characteristic way, linishing the speech with a prolonged whistle. “ What’s the matter, Unole Phil?” “Hey?” “ What’s the matter ?” “ Why, your Aunt Susan just bought another bureau 1” The speakers were Mr. Philip Wheeler, commonly called Uncle Phil, and his handsome, devil-may-care nephew, John Langdon. Uncle Phil was standing under the big brown horse-chestnut tree, whittling a new handle for his hammer, when a hay-wagon, containing a bureau, stopped before the gate. “ Whose bureau’s that?” demanded Uncle Phil. “It’s for Miss Wheeler,” was the answer. “ Sho bought it down at Squire Thomas’s auction.” “ Well, I snum !” John Langdon, just coming from the wood-house, armed cap-a-pie, with rod and lines, heard the exclamation and inquired the cause. “So Aunt Susan has bought another bureau, has she ?” he remarked, after a moment’s scrutiny of that awful piece es household furniture. “ I say, Uncle Phil, where is she going to pui it?” “ Hey ?” ejaculated Uncle Phil, staring hard at 4js nephew over his silverbowed specs. “ Where is sho going to put it ?” Uucle Phil shook his head and renewed his whittling. “ I’m blamed if I know,” he said al last. “ I reckon ’twill have to set atop of sumthing, for I don’t believe there’s floor room for it in the house.” “ I’ve got three in my room now, and I shall protest against a fourth,” laughec John. “Aunt Susan,” addressing thal lady, who appeared on the piazza tc superintend the removal of her newly-ac-quired treasure from the cart to the house, “where are you going to pul that thing ?” “Well, John, if you want it, why o) course you can have it; but I did think I’d put it in the buttery, it would be so handy—” “by all means,” interrupted John ; *“ the buttery is just the place for it; three are as many as I can occupy, inasmuch as 1 only brought a hand-bag along On my little visit. If you were to give me a fourth, I should be reduced to the necessity of remaining in bed in order to use it.”

“ Oh, go away, you rogue,” cried his aunt, looking lovingly at him; “and stop laughing at your old auntie. Here you,” in alarm to the driver. “Tak< care, there, you’ll have that leg oil I Hold on to the glass! My Imy ! How careless you bo !” After much anxiety on Aunt Susan’s part, hair-breadtli escapes on the bureau’s and a good deal of harmless swearing, such as “I snum !” “by golly !” etc., on Uncle Phil’s, the old bu reau w as at last deposited in the buttery, where it took up just three inches more room than it could with any degreo of propriety bo accommodated with. Consequently, being of a firm and unyielding nature, a sharp and uncompromising corner was thrust obtrusively and offendingly out, against which unwary toes and unfortunate shins would in ail probability be frequently punished. But Aunt Susan was not the woman to go forth to meet trouble, and no shadow rested upon her placid brow, nor misgivings annoyed or made afraid. The bureau was a bargain, arid that sublime fact shed such a halo of glory over its somewhat battered surface as to completely put to rout the inconvenience of its position. Next morning Aunt Susan rose betimes, sent for the woman who lived on the back road, and enjoyed a day ol “putting to rights.” Those clays, in which she caused to be brought forth from garret, cellar and hidden store rooms treasures collected from auctions innumerable, were dear to her heart, though abominations in ilie eyes of Undo Phil, who wandered around amid the household gods in Bitterness of 6pirit. John watched the “cleaning” operation with an amused smile curling the corners of his handsome mouth, till at length a bright idea struck him. “By Jove,” he muttered, “ I believe we might do it!” Five minutes later he might have been seen in earnest confab with Uncle Phil, who grinned and nodded, liis head in evident satisfaction and full approval of the plan, whatever it was. The day ended with great success in the cleaning line. Before sundown an array of spotless mahogany brass, china, britannia, etc., etc., might have been seen ornamenting Uncle Phil’s front yard—articles which the waning rays of the siyi touched and caused to reflect ,ike polished mirrors. Soon everything was replaced, the old woman departed, and quiet brooded over the old farmhouse once more. Next day John was to return home to 0 , and Aunt Susan was to accompany him, "for the double purpose of paying her sister—John’s mother— a visit, and witnessing the ceremony which should give to John a wife.

This wedding was very near to hei heart; first, because she loved John very dearly, and second, because he had bought a lovely little nest of a home close by her house and was, after a reasonable trip, to bring his young wife here, under Aunt Susan’s motherly wing, while he began his career as a lawyer in the brisk little village near by. Nothing short of the immense importance of this event could have induced the good woman to commit the daring act of risking her neck upon a railroad ; for the twenty-mile journey was as formidable to her, with her old-time notions, as would a visit to India be to a town-bred man. The morning arrived, and Aunt Susan, with many injunctions and cautions, at last took her place in the wagon which was to convey her to the depot. JohD delayed a few moments to take special parting with Uncle PhiL Whal was said no one heard save the partiee interested ; but John’s low words called forth a series of energetio words from his uncle, and a dry, hard chuckle, betraying an unusual amount of interest. The journey ended safely, and Auni Susan was beginning to feel at home on springs, and to sleep in spite of the noise on the street, when a letter from home pompletely upset the good womsn, and

threatened to start her on her homeward track without delay. “ The house has been robbed,” wrote Unde Phil. “ I was down to see Marthy”—his sister—“ and it sot in tc storm so hard I stayed alt night. Wall, when I got home I thought things looked sorter qneer, and sure enough, I found lots of things gone. The bureau in the buttery, and all the things outen the summer kitchen, a whole lot of brass things from the stairway closet, and nc end of fixin’s all o7er. I can’t see,” wTotie the old gentleman, “as any close or silver has been took, and I guess the thieves must hev knowed of your bargains and come for them special. I’ve heard they set stores by them in big {daces. I reckon at a rufT gess we’ve ost about five burows, three sophiea and six or seven parlor stoves, to say nothing of cliiny nn>l brass tilings.” To say that Aunt Susan was stunned would be but faintly to express her state of mind; but she determined John’s happiness should not be dimmed by her anxiety, and so by a great effort she succeeded in overcoming her despondency and assuming a cheerful face. The wedding day came . and passed. John and Mary were bound in the holy bonds of wedlock, and had departed on their bridal trip. Aunt Susan lingered a few days to complete some purchases, then returned to the even tenor of her quiet home, and waited with what patience she could for John’s return. Unde Phil was waiting too—silently, but no less anxiously. In fact, a little air of mystery hung over the old house and hid shyly away amidst the wrinkles of the kindly old faces of its excellent owners. Uncle Phil had some secret he did not tell Aunt Susan, and Aunt Susan had some secret sho did not confide to Uncle Phil, and, stranger still, each was so engaged with his own as to be perfectly oblivious of the other’s possession. Only one person saw, understood, enjoyed and remained silent—LJncle Phil’s sister, Martha. _ The summer’s heat slowly died out, and autumn was beginning to paint the tree-tops in the glories of red and gold, when John wrote that he was coming with his wife to take up his home in the little house. They were to remain at Uncle Phil’s till their house was ready. Of course everything was on tip-toe. Aunt Susan caused a supply of pies and cakes to be baked that would have victualed a man-of-war; while Uncle Phil spent the entire day skaking out buffalo robes, and polishing up the old carriage and wagon. Train time came; so did John and Mary, and the old people drove them home from the depot with great pride, under the scrutinizing gaze of the entire village eye, so to speak. Tea was soon ready, but not so soon but Uncle Pliil had found time to divulge his secret to John, for from the woodhouse* came a low murmur of voices, with now and then a hearty peal of laughter in John’B clear voice mingled with Unole Phil’s low guffaw. Twice did Aunt Susan call out and demand to know the joke, and twice did she get her trouble for her pains, for no hint was given. After tea the whole party strolled down to the new house. Now it was Aunt Susan’s turn. With a proud step she marched ahead and opened the door of the house, a faint flush on her withered cheek. Mary followed closely, but Phil and John stood rooted in the hall, staring blankly and stupidly into the little parlor. Certainly there was nothing there which ought to frighten two full-grown men—only four or live bureaus of somewhat antique design, several tables with massive pedestals and claw feet, two sofas large enough to accommodate the “ pre-historic man” we hear about, and a goodly assortment of clocks, andirons, shovels, etc. “ You don’t seem to be pleased,” said Aunt Susan in a crestfallen manner, her kind old voice trembling a little. “Now I thought you would bo tickled about to death with them. I found them all in C (Uncle Phil and John exchanged guilty looks), and I was so took aback at losing mine, and I noticed you looked kinder red and ext up the.morning the news come, so I thought to myself, Now l’il just buy those for you, John. This here burow”—placing her hand lovingly on a large and imposing piece of furniture—“ did look so exactly like the one I bought of Squire Thomas and had in my buttery, that I couldn’t help getting it. You know you kinder vyanted it, John, the night it came home, and I ulus felt sorter mean that I didn’t give it to you then; so as soon as I sot my eyes on this one I up and bought it and sent it down with the rest, unbeknown to anybody, so as to surprise you. You didn’t suspect, did you, Phil ?” But Uncle Phil was still speechless, and even John’s ready tongue refused to Jo its work. While they yet stood, a silent and crestfallen group, a shrill, high treble broke upon the silence, and Aunt “Murthy” came walking in. “ Wall! I do say you look meccliing enough ! 1 told you, Phil, that Susan would find you out! I thought I should bust when Susan went to Caleb to go down to the depot and haul up these things just ten days after he hauled um down, though, as fur that, ’twas dark enough when he took um clown, being night—”

At this awful stage John recovered himself sufficiently to confront Aunt Martha and by dint of winks and nods make her understand that she was mak ing a mess of it. Poor “Marthy” stared, a 3 openmouthed as the rest; but the warning had come too late ; Aunt Susan was by no means slow, and the whole plot was as plain as daylight to her. “ And so, Philip Wheeler,” she burst out with withering scorn, “you thought ’twould be fine fun to deceive me with your trumpt-up story of thieves that has made the shivers run down my back every night since I came home! Oh, you needn’t say nothin’ ” —as Uncle Phil attempted to speak—“ it’s mity nonest, tnebbe, and does great credit to your profession. As fur you, John, I wouldn’t have bel’ved you would hev treated your old auntie in such a way. You ken take them old things and send um back to 0 ; I hate the sight of um ! ” And Aunt Susan fairly broke down, and, bowing her head on Mary’s shoulder, burst into a shower of tears which caused Uncle Phil and John to feel not only like sneaks and scoundrels, but like midnight assassins and burglars as well.

There was not much to say, but what could be said John said; lie explained that no harm was intended, and that it was but a foolish, boyish trick. And Uncle Phil scratched his head and tried to look boyish, and failed utterly, because he already looked so sheepish and mean. But Mary did just what a warmhearted, clear-headed woman should have done. She kissed Aunt Susan affectionately, and said: *“ Uncle Phil and John meant to play off a good joke on you, but you have turned the tables finely, and I am doubly glad—first, because I do love to get the best of a joke, and secondly, because I doat on these dear, quaint old things. Why, aunty, you have given me treasures ! Just wait till you see how sweet I’ll make this little place look.” And so she did, so quaintly sweet, and altogether charming did the little house grow under her skillful fingers that it became the rage, and the demand for old things was almost as high in the village as it was in our big city, where something always rages. John became a convert at a very early day, and even Uncle Phil said : “ I snum! I didn’t know the o}4 truck could look so kinder soratio.”

To which Aunt Susan would reply : “I- allurs knowed ’twas ’ristocratic, Philip.” They are all very happy, and Aunt Susan has long since forgotten and forgiven John’s little joke.