Democratic Sentinel, Volume 5, Number 33, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 September 1881 — HOUSE HUNTING. [ARTICLE]

HOUSE HUNTING.

Mrs. Fleshly very much wanted to let about six rooms in the house to some small and respectable family, and Mrs. Prod very much wished to hire six rooms in some house, with a small and respectable family in the other part; but, as both had lived long enough to understand the hazards of moving, and what it was to dwell under the same roof with disagreeable tenants or landladies, they thought it wise to be particular when they met for the first time, and enter into details before they made a bargain, and thus lessen the possibility of future regrets on account of it. The terms having been stated, as they went about the premises Mrs. Prod proceeded to give some idea of her family : ‘ ‘ We are five people, I would wish to state, in the first place, to avoid all misunderstanding. We are Mr. and Mrs. Prod—that is, my husband and myself—and he is a few years older than myself, and in the flour business; and my brother, Joseph Squeams—l was a before I was married—and he is 25 afa'd clerking it—and that is three ; and then there is my son James, who is 12, Hud that’s four ; and my son Samuel, who is 8, and that’s five, and they go to school.” “And in our family there are four,” returned Mrs. fleshly. *‘ We are Mr. and Mrs. Fleshly, with no children ; Mr. Fleshly being in the boot and shoe business, and a little older, like your husband. And then there are my grandmother, who is eighty, she being a Fleshly, as she married my husband’s father’s father ; my maiden sister, Rebecca Tiddy, who is—ahem !—a few years older than I am, and as I was a Tiddv before I was married.” “ The six rooms which we wish,’’continued Mrs. Prod, “are to be a parlor and a kitchen, one chamber for Mr. Prod, one for my brother Joseph, and one for James and Samuel together, and one spare.” “We have all them,” said the equally precise Mrs. Fleshly, “ and when we can agree as to front and back, I have no doubt we may make things agreeable,

if we should agree upon other things.” “J. am glad you spoke of that, for I wished to questiou you myself about the other things, for, after all, it may be the*otlier things which will be the most important. How is your water? Is it good and handy ?” “Croton in both kitchens, as you may now perceive, and both in wet sinks, as you perceive ; and I am glad you spoke of the water, for Rebecca is nervous, and can’t bear to hear the water running all the time, and I presume that your boys are not rude and won’t let it.” ‘* I shall see that they do not, Mrs. Fleshly ; and now, as we are speaking of water, how is it about coal? ” “ 1 will show you the coal-holes myself, Mrs. Prod. There they are. Two holes in the sidewalk, and you may have the right or the left, and I caji put an F over mine or a P over yours, to prevent mistakes ; or we can have it distinctly understood among us all which hole belongs to your family and which to mine. ” “ I will speak to Mr,. Prod about that. I think he will have no objection to doing whatever you think is right.” “ I suppose not. Ha, ha ! the gentle men are always easy to get 'along with.” “ Too easy sometimes, and that’s the reason why I go house hunting myself. Nobody but a woman know's what a woman wants in a house.” “That is very true,” agreed Mrs. Fleshly, in a business-like tone. “And how are you about visitors ? Do you have very many to keep the door-bell ringing much of the time ? Rebecca is very nervous about bell-ringi'g. She says it pierces her head through and through, and makes her afraid that somebody is coming to see her.” “We have but very few visitors,” answered Mrs. Prod ; ‘ ‘and, speaking of annoyances, I was going to ask you if you have any objection to our burning fluid in the house instead of gas. My brother, Joseph, prefers gas, but Mr. Prod insists upon fluid. ” “I don’t see how he can insist upon fluid when we have gas in all the rooms.” “But we have so many lamp 3 to be put in use, and Mr. Prod has a great many gallons of fluid, and thinks it more wholesome and portable.” ‘ ‘ And very dangerous to be carried about the house by boys, Mrs. Prod, to be dropped and set us all on fire. I don’t tliiuk Grandmother Fleshly nor Rebecca neither would consent to the risk. Don’t you think Mr. Prod would agree to gas ? ” “ I think I will try and see, as you so much wish it. ” “And that reminds me of another thing, which is, that I should hope that your brother, being a single young man, keeps good hours, and also your two boys. ”

“ They are always in, if notin bed, by ten o’clock.” “ And I suppose your husband is, too ? ” “Most generally, Mrs. Fleshly, for he is a religious man. And lam glad you spote ot that, for 1 was about to wish to ask you the same question myself, for I hope your husband don’t come late; as Mr. Prod has an idea that it isn’t respectable for a person to be seen entering at an unreasonable hour.” “ Mr. Fleshly always comes home fatigued, at supper time, and nothing could persuade him to stir out of the house till morning.” * That reminds me that I would wish to -walk out back and see what kind of a yard or garden you have got, before we make a division of fronts and backs. A back kitchen or a back parlor is often more pleasant than the front, if there is something green to rest the eye upon.” ‘ * That is very true; but we have nothing green here at present, ” replied the landlady, leading the way majestically to the small and barren area in the rear, where there was a crop of clotheslines, but not a blade of grass, nor even a sickly tree. “ But you are at liberty to plantand cultivate whateveryou please, except vegetables and sunflowers. We shouldn’t wish to have it look like a market garden, and Rebecca has a particular dislike for sunflowers. You might make it look a perfect paradise, and then, perhaps, you would prefer to have all the back rooms you could get. They would be away from the noise of the street, and a back kitchen is handiest in several r§iyeoW i

“ I will speak to Mr. Prod about it,” said Mrs. Prod, turning her back upon the gloomy prospect, which lent no force to the argument. “And, now that you speak of the kitchen, how will it be about washing and sweeping the stairways and entries? ” “We will take our turn, of course; butl suppose that as yon have four men folks —for the boys are worse than men, in respect of wear and tear and dirt—yon would not object to doing about two-thirds instead of one-half the cleaning, we having but one male person to three women.” “I will speak to Mr. Prod about it,” was the faint and evasive answer. “It seems reasonable, but my boys are very clean and orderly, always scrape their feet before they come in, and are careful not to injure carpets, paint or paper.” “I am glad you have spoken about that,” proceeded the landlady, “font reminds me of #hat I was going to ask y OU —whether ypu pay much attention to dress, as a general thing, or merely dress tidily, or don’t care much if you go slip-shod and anyhow. Some of the best people, to be sure, go slipshod and anylipw; but Rebecca is very particular about appearances, and I think myself, and so does Mr. Fleshly, that it is best :ur people to be always respectably clad.” “ You will have no cause to be troubled on that score,” replied Mrs. Prod, with a proud smile. “As for James and Samuel, they always dress as if they were going to Sunday-school. They take sifter my brother Joseph, who is a regular dandy. As to my husband, there is no end to the clothes he has ; and for myself, this black silk dress hasn’t a spot nor a rip in it, and yet it is the meanest one I have. lam very glad you spoke of that, for I was going to ask you the very same question—whether you and your husband, and your sister Rebecca, and your grandmother observed neatness and the fashions ; for it would be quite mortifying to us if you were not scrupulous in that respect.” “ Then we shall get along delightfully,” returned Mrs. Fleshly, apparently much pleased at this homage to dry goods, “ if we agree upon other things. I have known two families to live in the same house for twenty years, and hardly know which family they belonged to, if they had a good understanding with .each other and agreed upon all the little points.” , ‘ ‘ There is one little point I should like to inquire about,” said Mrs. Prod. “ We are a very happy family, and the boys will laugh and talk, and Joseph is a great singer. He has a splendid bass voice, and when I play and he sings, and Mr. Prod is telling funny stories to James and Samuel, perhaps we might disturb you.” “I am glad you spoke of that,” exclaimed Mrs. Fleshly, “for I forgot to ask you-if you made much noise. Now, Grandmother Fleshly is pretty deaf, but she is often in dread that the house is on lire ;• and if your brother Joseph has a very bass voice, she might hear it and think it was an alarm of fire, and it might cause her death. We have to be very caieful about grandmother, as she is 80 years of age, and we wouldn’t wish her to die prematurely. So don’t you think on her account, if not for Rebecca, you would prevail upon Joseph to dispense with his singing, and induce Mr. Prod and the boys to speak in a low tone and laugh mildly ? ” “I will speak to Joseph, and Mr. Prod, and James, and Samuel about it,” said the obliging Mrs Prod, “ and perhaps they will. ” “Mr. Fleshly is very fond of his pipe,” said Mrs. Fleshly, wishing to suggest a recompense for the sacrifice required, “ and perhaps your husband and brother would like to pass the evenings and smoke with him occasionally.” “Smoke! Oh, no, indeed! Mr. Prod can’t bear the smell of tobacco, and it a! ways makes Joseph sick. Don’t you think—l am very glad you happened to speak of tliat—that you could persuade Mr. Fleshly to give up his pipe ? ” * ‘ He always smokes down in the kitchen,” suggested the landlady, with a look of dismay. “But that would make it still more unpleasant to Mr. Prod and Joseph, for the smoke would ascend and smell all over the house.” “ Perhaps Mr. Fleshly might arrange it so as to keep his pipe over the range, and let the smoke go up the cliimuey ; or perhaps Mr. Prod or Joseph might be willing to bear what little scents they got, till they were used to it. I think that we will be able to overcome the annoyance, Mrs. Prod, if we can agree upon other things. And I would like to mention something about sickness. We should hope you are a healthy family. My sister, Rebecca, is very much afraid of contracting some disease, and if a sickly family should come into the house, I should never hear the last of her complaining. Besides, she thinks doctors’ visits unlucky.” “She may rest her mind upon that score, then, for if a doctor waits till we are likely to need one, it will be after our lease is up. We haven’t had a doctor in our family since Samuel was born.”

“ How fortunate !” said Mrs. Fleshly. “ And 1 hope you are all pretty sound in body, too. “I thank you, we are extremely so, because we are so careful. And now there is another thing. May I ask how you obtain your supplies—whether principally by a good many errands daily, seeing that you have two boys—which would cause much disagreeable going to and fro—or would your goods mostly come by weekly, monthly or yearly replenishment ? ” “Of course our fresh meat, milk, bread and newspapers do not come yearly, but by the day,’’said Mrs. Prod, with a blush and a smile, under the close catechism ; “but I’m proud to say that Mr. Prod has both the will and the way of a good provider, and buys his family stores by the hundred and two, and sometimes S3OO worth ! ” Mrs. Fleshly seemed overjoyed at this piece of intelligence, as indicating some degree of solidity in the family of her proposed tenants ; but still she felt the necessity of being cautious. What were dry-goods, provisions and groceries, after all ? What were health and neatness ? What was everything else, if manners should prove disagreeable ? She felt the necessity of enlightenment in that respect, and so cautiously felt her way into the Prod family with continued persistency. “ You will find plenty of store room,” declared she. “Full half a dry cellar and spacious closets.” “I hope you are not troubled with rats—l am glad you happened to speak of the cellar and closets, for they remind me of rats and mice. ” “ Not a mouse, nor a rat, nor a roach —but I was about to observe that some tenants, irreproachable in other respects, are sometimes over-sociable, and running into each other’s rooms all the time; and some are so reserved that they hold as little interjyiurse with those under the same roof as if they were enemies.” “ I think you will find, Mrs. Fleshly, that, if we agree upon other things, we shall observe a happy medium, from Mr. Prod down to Samuel. We shall never mistake our apartments for yours, nor allow you to lose sight of us altogether. ” ?. “That’s a good answer, and very satisfactory, so far ; but permit me to say one or two things more, by way of interrogatory. I have no doubt your boys are orderly for boys, but I am aware there is such a thing as unintentional rudeness, arising spontaneously from the natural exuberance of youth, and I should hope that your boys, in tpe overflow o t their animal spirits, would never

so far forget themselves, and what is due to the dignity of age and the delicacy of our common womanly character, as to salute Grandmother Fleshly by the title of ‘ granny, [or call my sister Rebecca an * old maid. ’ ” “I should hope to be by and box their ears if they did,” replied Mrs. Prod. “ But I never have occasion to correct them for their deportment to their elders. They are much like their Uncle Joe, who never tears around much, and is a model for emulation, especially, I may say, in regard to the ladies.* But then, let me see. What was I going to ask you? Oh, about borrowing, Mrs. Fleshly. lam glad Sou happened to call up the subject of abits, which, innocently intended, sometimes cause considerable discomfort. The habit of borrowing. Our family is provided with everything necessary for housekeeping, and we like to accommodate, but are much opposed to the common habit of lending and borrowing. I suppose, as your family are so particular in regard to others, that you never indulge in the custom of running in, every now and then, to Dorrow a dish, or a pan, or a towel, or a little lard, molasses, meal or salt, do you ? I feel sure you do not; but, as you say, it is best to have these things agreed upon and perfectly understood beforehand. ” Mrs. Fieshly assured her that she never borrowed, and was now contented to ask but a few more cautionary questions ; and then, with smiles and courtesies, Mrs. Prod withdrew, declaring that she had little doubt that Mr. Prod ■would take the rooms. Mrs. Fleshly, waited and wished in anxious expectation for several days. She was very eager to let those six apartments, she little cared which six; but Mrs. Prod never came back. Mrs. Fleshly, when all hope was gone, was sorry that in her craving to be safe she had lost her surety. She felt that she had been much too overnice. Then she wished and now she wanted. She tried to console herself by the supposition : “ That minx was too perfect to be real!” _ But, on the other hand, Mrs. Prod scornfully related the interview to her husband, glad of the timely inquisitiveness which had led them to look elsewhere for parties not too exacting to prove agreeable. “ I saw that she was very particular, Prod,” she concluded, with animation ; “ but I think I gave her about as good as she sent.”