Democratic Sentinel, Volume 5, Number 15, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 May 1881 — HUMORS OF THE DAY. [ARTICLE]

HUMORS OF THE DAY.

Bad buy words—“ Charge it to me.” Men who work all night getting out morning papers are well posted on the snooze of the day. An aged Philadelphia colored woman has been married seven times. She is a sad example of how a woman can black male. The maple tree in an emblem, of Christian forbearance. The more it is bored, the more sweetness it exudes. —• Boston Transcript. For music by the glass or keg, Well malted, not too vatiy. Or bottled for the export trade, Apply to Cincinnati. _ Murat Halstead. The Tombstone Gossip, printed at Unlucky Cuss, Arizona, is sending polite requests to its esteemed contemporaries to “exchange or else gravitate to Old Nick.” Now doth the busy funny man Improve each stolen squib, And gather humor all the day, And dip, and paste, and fib. —Central City (Arb.) Item. The Legislature of Michigan will make hugging a girl against her will a penal offense, but will say nothing about hugging her against the front gate.— Boston Globe. The new settlers in Texas will find plenty of elbow room, if nothing else. One of them writes that he has “the Rio Grande for a bath-tub and all Mexico for a back-yard.” A Philadelphia woman asked another for charity, and when she opened her purse to give her some assistance she knocked her down. It is very hard to please some people. A double experience: “Shall I read you a pretty story, Effie?” “ Has it got a moral to it?” “ Yes, darling. ’’ “Then, Mumsey, I’d rather not. A story with a moral is like jam with a powder in it. ” “ I declare, John, I never saw such a man! You are always getting some new wrinkle. ” And the brute calmly replied, “Matilda, you are not, thank fortune. If you had a new wrinkle, you would have no place to put it, dear.” “The thruble wid the counthry, sor, is absenteeism,” said an Irish car driver to the tourist. “But there ore not many absentees in this part, I hear,” was the reply. “Not many absentees, is it? Well, thin, let me tell ye the counthry’s jistfullof absentees!”— London Punch. The process of depriving a tuber of its cuticle differs according to the manner of of cooking. If it be baked, you take the potato from the skin; if it be boiled, you take the skin from the potato; if it be hashed, you take—no, you don’t take any!— Danbury News. A story is told of an old gentleman who always took notes of his minister s sermons, and on one occasion read them to the minister himself. “ Stop, stop!” said he, at the occurrence of a certain sentence; “I didn’t say that.” “I know you didn’t,” was the reply; “I put that in myself to make sense. ”

Possibly a mistake: “James,” said a motherly woman to a young man whose first sermon she had just heard, “James, why did you enter the ministry?” “I had a call from the Lord,” said the young man, and then came the reply: “But are you sure it wasn’t some other noise that you heard ?”— Hartford Courant. If a young man in a street car gives up his seat to a pretty young lady he will be accused of partiality; if he gives it np io an ugly old lady, it will be said ho does it for effect. The average mean plan for him to adopt is to keep the seat himself, and see nothing but the paper he is reading.— New Orleans Picayune. “You ain’t taking any stock in woman’s love, eh?” “No,” he answered, despondently, “it’s all flummery.” “Very strange,” added his friend; “you didn’t use to talk that way. ” “Perhaps not,” he replied, “but I’ve been married nearly two years and there are four pairs of trowsers hanging up in my closet waiting to be patched, and not a stitch taken in them yet. ” — Brooklyn Eagle.