Democratic Sentinel, Volume 4, Number 52, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 February 1881 — JOKES FROM HARPER. [ARTICLE]

JOKES FROM HARPER.

He was an Episcopal clergyman, and a great lover of the great American game, who inadvertently remarked, at the end of that portion of scripture appointed to be read, “ Here endeth the first innings. ” A clerical' friend who had just re- ' turned to town from the country was I speaking of funerals, and eaid : “We ! had another evening funeral service at 8 ' o’clock.” This being the second occurI rence of the kind a 10-year-old boy ini quired, with a keen sense of the slowness of country funeral processions, “ Pupa, what do they have ’em at night for ?—so as they can trot ?” Elder George Champlin, preached many years in Rhode Island. He was a colored man, but sharp and witty and withal of good sense, though not without some failings. At one time some of his ‘ hearers complained tjiat he was perI sonal and severe in some of his remarks. ! Elder C. replied, “ When I am preach--1 ing I shoot right at the devil every time, : and if any one gets between me and the ; devil, he will be liable to get hurt.” I A good old Presbyterian elder, living : at M ,111.,. as a minor part of his 1 business, sold the cobs which came from ! his steam-sheller. One day he received I a note from a minister known for his close ideas of economy, asking that a i load of cobs might be sent to his house, I signed, “Yours, in the blessed gospel of ! our,” etc. The old elder, not fancying this sanctimonious mixing up of religion ' with cobs, sent the cobs, with a little ! note Signed, “Yours, in the cob busi--1 ness.” Besides, cobshad “riz.” The poems of “ Uncle Remus” are i among the best, if not the best, that the i South has contributed to our “cullud” literature since the war. The hymns especially beathe the genuine air of de- ■ votion which is characteristic of the negro when he gives himself up to psalmI ody, as, for example : ■ Oh, whar ahlll we go w'en do great day comes, Ui<l do blowin’er de trumpits eu de bangin’ er de drums'! How many po' sinners ’ll lie kotchud out lute, . Eu fine no latch ter de golden gate I No use fer ter wait twel tcr-morrer; De sun mustn’t set on yo’ sorrer; Sin’s es sharp es a bamboo brier—- “ O Lord I fetch de mo’ners up higher! At a Baptist School Union, in Providence, R. 1., Dr. Gordon, a guest from Boston, related the following : “A colored brother from the South rei cently came to his church to solicit money in behalf of some interest with i which he was connected. After the brother had made his appeal, one of the members of the church arose and ‘wished to know why everybody seemed to come to their church to beg money. ’ Dr. Gordon said he feared the remarks would be very discouraging to the colored brother, and regretted they were uttered. Whereupon the colored man promptly rose and said he could explain the matter. Said i he, “ Wen I goes shootin’"duck, I goes whar de ducks be.” The objector gave him SIOO. A correspondent at Akron, Ohio, ■ sends us the following hitherto unpublished anecdote of Ben Wade : A negro of the blackest type was one day intro- : duced as a witness in a case on trial be- , fore that statesman. He was incompetent as a witness under a statute of Ohio, and an objection was made on that ground. After a brief argument Judge Wade said : “Have you anything further to suggest?” “No.” “ Have you anything further to produce?” “No.” “ Well, then, your objection is overruled. That statute is a disgrace to Ohio. It is opppose'd to the common law. I shall construe it strictly. You • have offered no evidence that the witness i’ fs a negro. Proceed with the examination.” j The Discovery of Counter-Irritation. But few people now living are acquainted with the theoretical idea of counter-irritation, which has been so much admired in the practice of medicine. It had its origin in the following manner ! A shoemaker living in Barnsley, in Yorkshire}' England, called in Dr. Fellows for advice. He gave a hisI tory of his case, summing it all up in ! these words : “In short, doctor, I can’t I stand sitting.” . “Then,” replied the i doctor, who was somewhat famous as a wit, “you fool, why don’t you sit standing.” This so enraged the cobbler that he left the physician and sent in a bill for a pair of boots. The doctor paid the Lili, gave a fresh order for another ! pair, and soon gained the confidence of his patient. Learning that tlic cobbler had vilified him, he determined to make him suffer. He prepared a machine which, by means of a fly-wheel, threw forward and backward a board like a weaver’s shuttle. Beneath this board were placed large pebbles. When the cobbler applied again for treatment for I the nervous prostration with which he was suffering, he was strapped by the doctor to this board and the machine put in motion. The poor cobbler gtoaned in agony and suffered as if upon the rack, but the doctor put on all the power until the cobbler yelled for help. The next day the patient had so much improved that he applied for another trial of the machine. It effected a com- ! plete cure, and the doctor became fa- ! mous throughout Yorkshire as a curer ! of nervous debility by his “counter-ir-i ritation machine,” which was invented ! as a joke.

The East Indian Clerk and Bad English. One of the members of <,>e local bar having on behalf of a client obtained a decree against a certain individual, set about attaching his property, as that appeared to be the only way of getting the claim satisfied. Among the defendant’s belongings were three crab winches, and the lawyer, in drafting the application ' for an attachment, entered “three winches.” His clerk, in tilling out the draft, not knowing what a winch was, and being under the impression that his master had made a mistake, innocently entered “three wenches.” This got into the hands of one of the Small Cause Court clerks, who, thinking the word “wenchi es” too slangy, altered it to “three ' women,” when it was passed on to j another clerk, who, priding himself on I his just appreciation of the general frt- [ ness of things, altered the “women” to “wives.” The feelings of that advocate, when the Judge sweetly asked him why he wished to attach the defendant’s three “wives,” expressing at the same time his doubt to issue such an attachment, may be better imagined than described. The advocate has bought a rhinoceros-hide whip, and is trying to discover which clerk played such a trick upon him. — Moulmein Advertiser. Ireland’s Great Land-Owners. The following figures in regard to the ownership of Irish land-are interesting : One man owns 170,000 acres ; three men own 100,000 acres each ; fourteen men, 50,000 acres each; ninety men, 20,00;* acres each; and 452 men, 5,000 acres each. Jhe Association pf Salters own

19,000 acres; the Drapers, 27,000 acres ; the Merchants, 21,000 acres ; the Skinners, 24,000 acres; the Fishmongers, 20,000 acres ; the Ironmongers, 10,000 ; and the Grocers, 10,000 acres. It is not, therefore, any exaggeration to say that, of the £21,000,000 which is annual Irish rental, at least £12,000,000 is spent out of the country; and where, as in the case of Ireland, the country is not wealthy, and has no other industry except agriculture, this state of things, nntil remedied, ’ will be productive of want and misery.— London Truth.